The term “semi-final” implies two contests, but MasterChef is such an iconoclastic piece of television that it defies language itself by only having one semi-final, and that is why this semi-final is so incredibly exciting: society’s rules mean nothing here.

The challenge today is to create a three-course meal for 20 diners, plus the judges – or to put it another way, to create a three-course meal for the judges, as what they serve to the other diners will have no impact on the result whatsoever. The worst cook who isn’t Nat will be eliminated.

Even more exciting, the three amateurs will have the assistance of Curtis Stone, the friendly giant who legend says visits people of pure heart to reward them with affordable cuts of beef. He will be shouting at the cooks and damaging their self-esteem throughout.

Nat begins the cook by revealing, to the astonishment of all, that her menu is a reflection of who she is as a cook. This bombshell shakes everyone up and will take some time to process. The eliminated contestants up on the balcony gasp as Nat sets timers with the skill and precision of a veteran timer-setter.

The judges gather. “This competition isn’t called Mastercook, it’s called MasterChef,” says Curtis. A quick fact check confirms this to be the case. Curtis wants to see that the amateurs are capable of working as chefs, which will be difficult as they are all by themselves in the kitchen and by definition a chef is in charge of others, making this challenge meaningless for Curtis’s purposes.

“This competition isn’t called Mastercook, it’s called MasterChef,” says Curtis. A quick fact check confirms this to be the case.

Sav is making a love letter to Sri Lankan cuisine, which is a real departure for her. Curtis tells her she’s doing too much. “It’s like getting dressed,” he says, challenging Sav to not just cook a Sri Lankan feast, but to wear it.

Josh, on the other hand, plans to steam some abalone, as a warning to others. He is also going to turn out some panna cottas. Curtis subtly implies that
this is the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. “If you set it in a cup, it’s the same dish,” he says. “It doesn’t look as good,” says Josh. It’s a fascinating exchange, especially if, like me, you have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Curtis walks away, having achieved his prime objective of making Josh panic, and checks in on Nat to see if she’s written her victory speech yet.

Sav is feeling confident, so Andy and Jean-Christophe come round to put a stop to that. She admits that she’s finally accepted the message of “more is not more”, but for the moment can’t think of a pithier way to phrase that.

Meanwhile, Josh’s abalone have turned out more tender than Curtis thought they would, teaching a valuable lesson about underestimating the emotional intelligence of gastropod molluscs. Josh begins to prepare his sauce, expressing a desire to capture “that taste of the ocean”, which is a pretty awful idea, because I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed but the ocean tastes horrible.

Meanwhile Nat is 67 minutes behind, which doesn’t seem possible because I’m pretty sure we’ve only been going for 15 minutes. That just shows why Nat is such a unique talent. “You need to make decisions on what to edit,” Andy tells her. Nat decides on Vogue Australia.

Sav’s pork belly is dry, forcing her to go out to buy moisturiser. Curtis advises her to cook the whole belly. Sav gasps at his audacity. Does she dare? He suggests she score the pork. She gives it an eight. Having solved Sav’s problems, Curtis returns to Josh, to tell him more about why every instinct he has ever had is wrong.

The judges gather again. Curtis tells them that Coles brand fresh pork is 100 per cent Australian and carbon-neutral. The judges are amazed at the unbeatable value of Coles brand fresh pork. Everyone takes a few minutes to sit and think about how great Coles is.

There’s only an hour to go, and if the amateurs aren’t ready for service when the time arrives, they will be serving their food late, which will in no way affect their chances. The diners are entering the room, looking forward to their opinions being irrelevant. Up on the balcony the eliminated amateurs watch on, wondering if they’ll be fed today.

Nat begins her entree service. She has cleverly chosen a cold scallop for entree: it is easy to plate up as it requires little preparation and is revolting.

“Five minutes to go!” yells Poh, resplendent in her Glinda the Good Witch of the North costume. Sav has no time to worry about whether her pork belly is even: she must simply start shovelling it into the gaping maws of the diners.

The judges sit down to eat the entrees. Nat’s scallops are first. They agree that Nat’s entree has satisfied every necessary criteria for being an entree made by Nat. Josh’s XO Abalone (ie abalone with hugs and kisses) is second. “He’s blown me away,” says Andy. “He’s abalone you away!” Jean-Christophe cries, and everyone collapses into joyous puddles of mirth. Sav’s pork belly is third, in more ways than one. The pork is slightly undercooked, a sure sign of immorality.

It is time for mains. The diners tuck in, as the people on the balcony watch their stomachs bloat. Nat’s main is poached marron with tom yum sauce, and on tasting it nobody can deny that it was made by Nat. “If there was ever a dish that could get someone into the finale, that is it,” says Andy, which is an odd thing to say, because every year there are several dishes that get someone into the finale. Surely he knows this.

Josh’s main is steak and lobster. “I think the cook on the lobster is Mickey Mouse,” he says, refusing to elaborate. The judges love it so much that they give up all their worldly goods and build a church to the dish. Sav’s main is ghee poached lobster. It’s fine, but you can’t help feeling the judges aren’t exhibiting the signs of physical arousal that Josh’s dish triggered. “It’s a little bit combative for me,” says Sofia, who objected to the lobster punching her in the face.

Dessert time. To save time, Nat has cut her tarts. “If I’d continued with the pastry, I wouldn’t have been able to have breakfast,” she says, succumbing finally to madness. The judges, tasting the bisected tarts, are forced to call for industrial machinery to break up the six-inch pastry, but despite all its flaws, they can’t deny that when it came to the crunch, it was made by Nat rather than someone else.

Josh’s dessert is panna cotta. It is perfect apart from the bad bits. Sav’s dessert is tropical jelly preceded by an amuse-bouche (French for “funny bush”). The judges agree that it is essentially western civilisation’s crowning achievement.

The judges have a very difficult decision to make. The eliminated amateurs stand by, watching the announcement with the eager anticipation of people who will very soon pass out from hunger. Josh is declared the best cook of the day, due in no small part to the fact his food was nice to eat. So it is between Nat and Sav for the second spot in the finale. It’s an incredibly close call, with only the barest margin between them and it’s practically impossible for anyone to predict, okay just kidding, obviously it’s Nat.

And so Sav is eliminated for the second time in the series, proving that nobody matches her ability to be the worst on any given day. The final will be Josh, with his simple Tasmanian take on cuisine, versus Nat, with her modern sophisticated approach to being Nat.

Who will win? Tune in tomorrow, and pretend you don’t already know.