The White Lotus recap: Full-frontal nudity, a gun appears and a very fun boat trip

You’re stressed, I’m stressed, let’s be stressed together and do The White Lotus Wellness Check!

Warning: These recaps, where we rank which characters are having the most relaxing stay, are packed with spoilers. Only read if you have watched episode four of season three of The White Lotus.

MOST RELAXED

Belinda: As the season progresses, the definition of “most relaxed” is relative to “Are they stealing guns or not?”

Belinda is very excited her son is on his way but is so confused about Gary/Greg lying about knowing her that she does some high-level sleuthing (Googles him). She discovers that Tanya is dead – sad! And her assailant was never found – perplexing! And Gary/Greg never responded to questions from the police – less than ideal!

Belinda does what any concerned citizen would do and frowns at him while walking in slo-mo in the hotel’s foyer. That’ll do it, nice work Belinda.

Chelsea and Rick: It’s quite relaxing to get exactly what you want! Before Rick jets off to Bangkok, he tries to brush off the concerns of the much nicer women around him.

Amrita, the hotel wellness expert, is like, “I really, deeply think you need more stress sessions”, and Rick explains he cannot because he’s going to Bangkok to exhume his trauma. Amrita wishes him well.

“You are so stressed that I’m surprised that all the blood vessels in your eyes haven’t burst, have fun in Bangkok though.”Credit: HBO

Chelsea, perhaps thanks to the emotional support of her best friend of two days, Chloe, realises Rick kind of hates her and tells him he needs to either start being nicer or tell her what’s going on.

Rick: “OK, fine, ask me anything! I will talk about anything! What do you want to talk about!”

Chelsea: “Why do you need to go to Bangkok?”

Rick: “Oh, no, I don’t want to talk about Bangkok.”

Maybe he just wants to see the temples.Credit: HBO

After a while, Rick confesses what we all guessed: he thinks this Hollinger guy murdered his father, and he wants to track him down. Rick’s dad was a good guy who helped local Thai people stop “shady Americans” from taking their land, but then he disappeared. At least that’s what Rick’s mum told him. Must be true!

Chelsea is full of compassion until she realises “going to see” the man who murdered his father likely means “going to murder”, so she decides she’s better off staying on the boat with her best friend, Chloe. What’s the worst that could happen on a boat?

NOT TOTALLY RELAXED

Gaitok: Gaitok didn’t get a promotion after enabling an armed robbery at the resort. He got a gun!

Gaitok is like, “Wow, I promise I will learn to use this gun and remember to do more shooting and less waving, I promise I will guard this gun with my life”, and then leaves the gun unattended, and it is immediately stolen.

Oh, well.

All 4 her.Credit: HBO

Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie: Jaclyn’s trophy husband isn’t replying to any of her texts, which fuels a desperate energy in her to do something “crazy” like have a cocktail on the beach.

She asks Valentin to come, grasping at him like she’s drowning, and he’s the only rescue boat to come to the Titanic, and he’s like, “Ah, no thanks”.

“You ladies make me sad, enjoy your silly fruit drinks.”Credit: HBO

The fun place Valentin sends the three friends to is, unfortunately, some sort of pool resort for seniors, which makes Jaclyn panic (what if she catches old age!) and furious. Valentin doesn’t think of her as a young, potent firecracker of a woman. In retaliation for sending them to the old lady soup, Jaclyn drags Valentin out with them.

They go to a club as soon as it opens (very cool!), not before being “attacked” by local children with “guns” (walking through a water pistol fight and then being absolutely flummoxed when those children thought it would be funny to wet their blow-dried hair).

So glad the ladies are learning about other cultures. I hope Valentin robs them.

NOT RELAXED

The Ratliffs: It was hard to figure out what was more upsetting: Saxon using the term “gender goblin” or Timothy’s entire penis flopping out of his bathrobe at breakfast.

Our culture is not your costume :)Credit: HBO

The reason Timothy’s entire penis flopped out is that he’s now secretly hoovering his wife’s benzos, meaning he is perpetually in a twilight in which your genitals being clothed or unclothed is of little consequence.

The Ratliffs go on Gary/Greg’s boat, and the majority of them have a bad time. Victoria is concerned someone is stealing her pills and is disgusted by all these rich, old men (who she deems as “tax cheats” and probably murderers) and their younger wives – seemingly because she has only now sobered up and discovered corruption as a concept. Timothy takes part in conversations with his eyes closed. Piper, having spent 10 minutes outside a temple, has decided she’s staying in Thailand but is furious Lochlan won’t congratulate her on this spiritual and very ethical choice.

Meanwhile, Saxon encourages Lochy to drink beer and steal wives, which is just boat culture, I guess?

The boat trip has a terrible impact on Timothy’s stress. He shares a drink with Gary/Greg – another man who is definitely not a criminal – who explains he moved to Thailand because he was “sick of the rat race”, which, I guess, is old guy slang for “hiding from the murder police”.

All it takes is a dinner with his wife and daughter telling him what a good, honest man he is for Timothy to flip out and say, “AH, ORDER WITHOUT ME, NAH I’M ALL GOOD, JUST GOT TO DO SOME STUFF, INNOCENT STUFF”. Timothy finds out his business partner ratted him out, his accounts are frozen, and he will likely go to federal prison.

“I WOULD RATHER DIE!” he says, which, OK Timothy, bit dramatic. Then he spots Gaitok’s gun.

Maybe he’s just putting it in a safe place?

The White Lotus streams on Mondays on Binge.

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