40 signs you’re safe from Albo’s proposed social media ban

The government wants to ban young people from social media but can’t work out how to verify people’s age.

Some experts recommend face recognition, in which the computer counts the number of wrinkles on your face. I just worry it might knock out everyone using Botox.

Congratulations, no social media ban for you!Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Better by far to have a knowledge-based quiz. My system wouldn’t name a particular age as the cut-off point – it would merely demand that people are properly mature before they are allowed to log on.

So, how to tell if you are properly mature? Let me count the ways.

1. You have more lovers in your past than in your future.

2. You may not have a landline phone any more, but you know what one looked like.

3. You’ve come to an understanding your parents did their best, all things considered.

4. You don’t know the meaning of the term “Brat Summer” despite its appearance in US politics, but you find you don’t care.

5. You’ve vaguely heard of the singer behind Brat Summer, Charli XCX, but keep confusing her name with the temporary password used to register your senior’s card.

6. You realise it’s a mug’s game to buy on credit unless it’s a car or house.

7. When using cuffs in bed, it’s now most likely to be a blood pressure monitor.

8. You take your own lunch to work.

9. You think tattoos are fine but find yourself a bit judgy when they’re on someone’s face.

10. You think TikTok is OK, but you’d rather people develop a longer concentration span.

11. You find it annoying when you can hear someone’s music leaking from their headphones and feel like supplying unrequested advice: “Turn it down, dear chap, or you’ll go deaf by the time you’re 40”.

12. You still think of Adele as the latest thing.

13. You still think of Kylie as “that girl off Neighbours.”

There she is, that girl off Neighbours.Credit: Gareth Cattermole

14. You understand why a cassette tape is often stored with a pencil.

15. You are shocked – yes, shocked – when someone tells you it’s 15 years since Oasis split.

16. You choose the “today’s paper” version of the Herald online rather than the rolling coverage because you like the idea of a daily briefing of all you need to know.

17. You know how to drive a car with gears, even if yours is an automatic.

18. You might not use leaf tea, but you know such a thing exists.

19. You understand the meaning of the word “tranche”, having been conned by a past government into investing in Telstra, a company you already owned.

20. You know how to apply shoe polish.

21. You know how to sew on a button.

Vera, the TV series, featuring (presumably) Vera.

22. You know there’s a difference between “less” and “fewer”, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it.

23. Ditto “uninterested” and “disinterested”.

24. You can do your 7 times tables.

25. At the supermarket, you check the unit price of the dishwasher tablets and choose the cheapest, even if it’s only by one cent.

26. At some time in your life, you’ve drunk instant coffee and thought: “You know what? It’s not so bad.”

27. Asked what a joint contains, you’ll answer “arthritis”.

28. You know that Kim Beazley was the best prime minister we never had.

29. You complain about pill companies printing the directions in ever-smaller letters.

30. You spend more on dentistry than on clothes.

31. One of your best anecdotes involves using a poste restante in Europe.

32. You can name at least three characters in Vera.

33. You can remember a time before everyone began using the word “corflute”.

34. You look at a hedge in someone’s front garden and find yourself knowing it’s a Murraya rather than a Box.

35. Just as mysteriously, you can identify certain birds.

36. If someone plays you the sound of a fax machine connecting, you’ll know what it is.

37. You find yourself thinking: “That George Bush senior wasn’t so bad”.

38. You have a sudden interest in composting.

39. You still check the post box, just in case.

40. And you find yourself using the phrase “young people today”, before immediately regretting it.

In conclusion, who needs digital passports, face scans and parental stat decs? With a little astute questioning, it’s so easy to separate the sheep from the lambs.

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