What Japanese people wish tourists knew, but are too polite to say

What’s the one thing tourists do that annoys Japanese people the most?

They’d be too polite to tell you.

I’m in a meeting room at Tokyo’s Palace Hotel, taking a class in Japanese etiquette with expert Michiko Sato, who holds lessons in negotiating Japanese customs and manners for guests.

After several visits to Japan, I admit I usually muddle by in questions of etiquette. I’m never sure if I’m expected, as a visitor, to bow or give a gift to my hosts. When should I take off my shoes? What are the correct manners around a dining table?

Michiko, a former banker and mother of grown children, who has worked in London and Manila, is a certified guide whose experience working for both Western and Japanese companies as an executive gives her an insight into business customs from both sides.

The worst things tourists do? “It’s not amateur photographers chasing geisha down Kyoto streets.” It’s that they’re too loud. Credit: Getty Images

Her classes are popular with those doing business in Japan, but she also talks to families when parents want their children to understand more about Japanese culture when they are visiting.

Michiko’s response to my question about the most annoying thing tourists do in Japan is surprising. It’s not amateur photographers chasing geisha down Kyoto streets or Millennials flaunting tattoos in onsens.

It’s that we’re too loud.

“Japanese people don’t speak very loudly,” she says. The language is flat, without the high and low exclamations of a language like Italian. “We are not used to listening to the sound of voices shouting.”

She gives the example of tourists shouting into their phones or yelling to each other on the Ginza shopping street. Australia, China and America are big countries with big houses, and it’s normal to speak loudly to each other, she explains. “But Japanese houses are very small.”

Don’t speak loudly in public spaces.Credit: Getty Images

The important thing to remember is that Japanese society is constructed around the idea of harmony. From an early age schoolchildren are taught how they can behave properly, “so we can be a good team”.

This is good and bad, she says. If you continue to express something different from your friends, the group may exclude you.

In business, Michiko says Japanese people don’t want to be direct in case they offend. They won’t say, “I don’t like this” or tell you if your idea isn’t good. “We always try to behave so we don’t harm other people’s feelings.”

If you try to do something the way Japanese do it, however awkwardly, it makes them happy, “because you respect our culture”.

We start with the exchange of business cards. I know that in Asia you are supposed to hold the card between two fingers and present it, but in Japan you should hold it so that the person receiving it can read your name. To be polite, they will ask you how they should address you and make some comment on the card.

If you’re seated at a table, place the card in front of you. It indicates that you want to remember the name. It’s good manners. The worst faux pas is to put the card loosely in your pocket. Japanese all carry card cases for this purpose.

Quiet politeness is the key.Credit: Getty Images

“The name card is part of you for Japanese people,” Michiko explains. “It’s not just the paper. Please don’t write down anything on it. It’s not a memo pad. This is part of your body, it’s like writing on your body.”

At the same time as exchanging the card, there will be bows, and sometimes a handshake to politely follow Western customs. It’s generally expected for Westerners to follow the bowing custom, although as a guest, you’re forgiven if you don’t.

Saying hello or casual greetings require a small bow of about 15 degrees. Thirty degrees means thank-you. Thank you very much is lower. If you’re bowing for the emperor or someone very important, it’s 90 degrees. You also bow this low if you need to make a very deep apology for a big mistake or something like a company scandal.

Make a small bow for hotel staff and something lower if you want to thank them. Females bow with hands together, men with hands by their sides. “If you really do something bad in company, stay there a little longer,” she advises.

Business cards are an extension of yourself; do not crumple a gifted one into your pocket.Credit: Getty Images

When you enter a room for a meeting or as a guest at a restaurant, don’t seat yourself, or you’ll make a faux pas. In many instances, the place farthest from the entrance of the room is called kamiza, where the highest-ranked person or the most important guest may sit. Generally, the closer to the door, shimoza, the lower rank of the person.

It’s the same in a restaurant. The most important guest sits on the honoured seat farthest from the entrance. If there is an alcove in the room, the guest is seated in front of it. The host is supposed to sit next to the entrance.

In a business meeting, don’t be surprised if five or six people meet you. It’s a gesture to show your importance to the company. In international companies the higher-status people who are well travelled tend to speak English. But, as travellers know well, English is not practised very much.

Who bows first? Do you need to bow in response? How low should you go?Credit: Getty Images

“There’s a reason actually,” Michiko says. “We are shy. And we want perfection. We’re afraid of mistakes.”

If you can speak a greeting in Japanese, it would be very much appreciated, she says. Doumo is a very useful word, equivalent to saying “thanks” for a minor task and can be used as a casual greeting. And yoroshiku-onegai-shi-masu, meaning “please take care of me” is the best thing to say at the beginning of a relationship.

But there’s a non-verbal communication that’s probably more difficult for Westerners to pick up. “Ah…un” are the first and last letters of Sanskrit, like Alpha and Omega – the beginning and end. “In an Ah Un relationship we are always standing side by side. I know about you even if you don’t say anything to me. It’s like ESP.” It’s important to look at a person’s face to understand their feelings, what might not be spoken.

The exchange of gifts is also an important part of Japanese culture. It’s not necessary for the visitor to do this, although it will be appreciated. If you receive a gift, “please don’t tear the wrapping paper”. If it’s possible, peel it off carefully then fold it. The paper is part of the gift. “In Shintoism everything has the spirit of god, even wrapping paper. Even chopsticks,” she says.

It’s usual for the giver to downplay the gift. It’s very small, it’s “boring”, it’s humble.

In restaurants and tea houses, you may be asked to take off your shoes. Michiko says when doing this be sure not to take off your shoes and then place your feet on the ground before taking the step into the room. Step directly into the room. The outside floor is not considered clean (even if it is).

In a fancy restaurant, the staff will take care of your shoes. In a more casual place like an izakaya, there will be a box where you can place your shoes.

Chopstick etiquette is also vital. Never point a chopstick at anyone, or wave it when you’re speaking. Don’t touch food you’re not going to eat. Don’t place the chopsticks on top of the bowl. Use the chopstick rests. Don’t push the bowl with chopsticks.

The art of eating with chopsticks… rules make sense but may at first appear overwhelming.

The worst taboo is transferring food from your chopstick to someone else’s chopstick. It’s a custom in Japanese funeral ceremony that, after cremation, the bones are taken from the ashes, passed from chopstick to chopstick. “This is the most horrible thing for us.”

Michiko says often guests ask her what to wear when sightseeing, especially going to a shrine. Most attire is suitable, she says, but “please don’t wear your swimsuits”.

Despite some cultural misunderstandings, Michiko wants to make it clear Japan welcomes visitors. They stimulate the Japanese economy. She adds that international customers for Japanese handcrafts are saving some of the traditions, as Japanese usually can’t afford these products.

And the Japanese never saw themselves as “cool” until they had international attention. Now they are appreciating their own country more.

“Thank you very much for coming,” she says, and bows.

Five faux pas to avoid in Japan

1. Shouting to others or into your phone.
2. Putting a Japanese person’s business card in your pocket or writing on it.
3. Stepping onto the floor when you take your shoes off.
4. Ripping off the gift paper when receiving a gift.
5. Transferring your food from your chopstick to another’s.

The details

Stay

The Palace Hotel, Marunouchi, Tokyo, overlooks the gardens of the Imperial Palace. From $1350 a night. Cultivating Tokyo business etiquette classes, two hours, maximum four guests, JPY 23,000 ($231). Visit lhw.com

The writer was a guest of Leading Hotels of the World and the Palace Tokyo.