I can’t live like this: The cruise ship that ruined life on land for me

As we sit down in the restaurant, our waiter asks an unusual question: “Would you prefer a black napkin?”

He’s noticed that my partner is wearing a black dress. Hence his question as to whether we’d prefer a napkin that matches, lest any white lint come off.

The ship’s pool deck.

We’re OK with white, but his question is indicative of the attention to detail on board Regent Seven Seas Explorer, part of a cruise line that bills its ships as the world’s most luxurious. After a week on board, it’s hard to argue.

Rather than flying home from Bali on a bogan-filled budget flight, we’re taking an extravagant and leisurely route back to Australia, stopping off at several Indonesian islands on the way.

The full-length cruise will travel all the way to Sydney, making multiple stops along Australia’s northeast coast, though we’ll only be going as far as Darwin before flying home to Melbourne.

Seven Seas Explorer is a mid-sized ship, with a maximum capacity of 746 guests. For those guests, there is a whopping 548 crew, ensuring your every whim is catered to and help is never far away.

Seven Seas Explorer is a mid-size ship with 548 crew for the 746 passengers.

At the time of its launch in 2015, Regent labelled Seven Seas Explorer as the most luxurious ship ever built. That might conjure images of gauche, over-the-top extravagance but, for the most part, the design is classic art deco – think Gatsby, not Trump.

That’s not to say there aren’t some over-the-top elements: the atrium features a gigantic crystal chandelier, flanked by two sweeping staircases; restaurant Compass Rose is home to a blue glass installation on the ceiling that runs the length of the large space; the art on board includes genuine works by Picasso and Joan Miró.

Our superior suite is a couple of grades above the entry-level veranda suite, with a king-size bed that faces the full-length glass doors of our balcony. It’s more luxe than many of the five-star hotels I’ve stayed in. There’s a walk-in robe and an enormous (by cruise ship standards) bathroom which features not one, but two, showers along with dual sinks. The art deco design extends here. Again, it’s stylish without being ostentatious.

But luxury is not only about the look and feel of the ship or its furnishings, it’s also about the service. While some of the highest level suites have their own butlers, our attendant still makes us feel like we’re his only guests.

The atrium features a gigantic crystal chandelier, flanked by two sweeping staircases

One of the more indulgent elements on board is the free laundry service. You simply dump your dirty clothes in a bag and they come back, laundered, starched, pressed and hanging in your wardrobe.

But the real indulgence on board is the food. Regent’s restaurants are a major selling point for the cruise line, but I’m still a little sceptical prior to getting on board. After all, any cruise ship still needs to bring its food on board in advance and store it, often for quite some time.

As such, I’m amazed how good it is. There are five restaurants for dinner on board and, like many cruise lines, there are “speciality dining” options different from the main restaurant.

Unlike many others, however, there is no extra charge for eating in the speciality restaurants. All that’s required is an advance booking, though we have no trouble securing bookings on the same day we want to eat. As a result, we eat in the main restaurant where bookings are not required, Italian La Veranda, for dinner just once.

The Pacific Rim restaurant.

With many cruise lines US owned, food on board has a tendency to reflect American tastes. This can mean an overabundance of fatty, salty foods. Even salads can come so drenched in dressing they’re virtually soups. But Seven Seas Explorer, despite its US origins, defies this trend with its international cuisine.

It’s at the French restaurant, Chartreuse, where my partner is asked about her napkin colour preference. We dine at the Asian restaurant, Pacific Rim, twice, so impressed are we with the menu.

That said, our last dinner on board is at the American steakhouse, Prime 7, where the meal (heavy on the meat, of course) is as good, if not better, than anything we’ve eaten elsewhere on the ship. Drinks are also included, with a few high-end exceptions, and I’m impressed to find a solid list of whiskies, including single-malts, at no additional charge.

The cruise makes multiple stops before heading to Australia, including a day at Celukan Bawang on Bali’s northern coast, a stop at that other Indonesian resort island, Lombok, before heading on to Komodo Island to see its famous dragons.

Unlike many other cruise lines, most shore excursions are included in the fare, so there’s no mucking about with bookings and additional charges, you simply look through the options prior to the cruise and choose what you want to do.

However, after disembarking during the first few days (and being underwhelmed by Lombok), I find myself wanting to spend more time on the ship. I’m grateful for the Timor Sea crossing that gives us a full day with nothing to do but enjoy the ship itself.

The entertainments on board tend towards the traditional. During the day, there’s the pool, mini golf, shuffleboard, a card room and a small library. There’s no wild waterslides or noisy games. Everything’s geared towards quiet relaxation and we make the most of it.

At night, performers take to the stage in the theatre, including a Buddy Holly impersonator one night, an impressive acrobat and juggling act the next, and then an ensemble of singers performing Broadway standards.

A superior suite.

My partner finds herself drawn to the most old-fashioned of all entertainments on board: a communal jigsaw puzzle, laid out on a table behind the cafe on deck 5, which we pass each time we return to our suite. The difficult puzzle attracts many passers-by, but on our sea day my partner spends almost three hours on it.

I point out there’s many other things she could be doing, but she won’t hear of it. “To have the time to do this, that is a true luxury for me,” she says. With the help of an equally obsessed American passenger, they complete it before our trip is over.

Of course, all this comes at a cost. A cruise on board the Seven Seas Explorer doesn’t come cheap. But then again, neither does a stay in a five-star hotel. And at a hotel you’re unlikely to have your meals, drinks and activities included. Just doing a few items of laundry could cost you a fortune. So when you start adding it all up, the cruise begins to feel like reasonable value.

When it’s time to disembark in Darwin, we leave at the same time as Scot Robin, the Buddy Holly impersonator who has performed throughout the cruise.

The ship’s theatre.

A veteran of the Australian entertainment industry, he’s been performing Holly’s songs for 30 years, since he starred in the hit musical Buddy back in the ’90s. Robin is heading home to Melbourne for just a couple of days before joining another cruise. He’ll continue to do so throughout the summer.

Back in Melbourne, it’s after a lacklustre lunch at the food court near the office that it really hits home. My regular lunchtime staples, perfectly adequate prior to the cruise, now seem particularly unappetising.

At home, my partner and I are back to doing the laundry, cooking dinner and washing the dishes ourselves. Life on land suddenly seems rather unappealing compared to life at sea, at least compared to life on board the Explorer. I start wondering if I can learn to play a few Buddy Holly songs.

DETAILS

Seven Seas Explorer’s Bali to Sydney cruise will depart again this year on December 4. The 16-night cruise starts from $18,960 and includes up to 37 shore excursions. See rssc.com

The writer travelled as a guest of Regent Seven Seas Cruises.