By Peter FitzSimons
TO ALL those who have been firing off angry emails to TFF over the years on the subject of Lance Armstrong and how dare I imply his guilt, I say this: Throw down your weapons and come out with your hands up. We have you surrounded. I repeat: WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. And with the release of the USADA evidence against him - including emails, records of financial transactions, failed tests, and sworn testimony from 26 witnesses - we have more ammunition than we ever could have imagined. In fact, many of the people who have sent me such emails have been gracious enough over the past couple of days to write acknowledging the truth - he is the greatest cheat in sports, since forever. For he was to cheating what Tiger Woods was to adultery. It wasn't a one-off or a two-off or a few transgressions. It wasn't a bending of the rules. Rather, as the evidence shows it was cheating done on an industrial scale, and drawing others into his corrupt web as he did so. All the while aggressively proclaiming his disgust at those who do cheat, and pursuing anyone who intimated that he might be anything less than a paragon of virtue when it came to drugs. All up, it took a level of chutzpah that simply takes the breath away. There are no excuses, and no forgiveness. I am with Tyler Hamilton - this has been a good week for cycling, because it can now start to get its house in order. As for Armstrong? Goodbye. Good riddance.
DENIAL DISASTER
The weird thing? In the past three years, the Canterbury Bulldogs have soared upwards with their professionalism both on and off the field. And yet twice in the past fortnight they have stood four-square behind transparent nonsense - the first that James Graham did not bite Billy Slater, the second that the players did not abuse a female journalist. Both are completely beyond dispute among sensible people, and yet somehow the otherwise very capable club management decided this was the best way to proceed. Unfathomable!
Illustration: John Shakespeare
ON THE BALL
At a function in Perth last week, yours truly did a little light pal-ing around with Adam Gilchrist, Mark Bosnich and Dermott Brereton, and a couple of the stories that emerged bear repeating. The first is a tip for young soccer goalies from Bosnich, who played for Manchester United and the Socceroos among others, and is of course among the greatest goalkeepers this country has ever produced. When I asked him what would be going through his head in the goal square when an opponent was lining up the ball just 11 metres away - as in when there was a penalty shoot-out - he replied immediately. "I always just concentrated on the non-striking foot. When a right-footed bloke was lining up the kick, nine times of 10 his left foot was pointing to where the ball was going to go, and as soon as he struck it I would hurl myself in that direction." Brilliant, isn't it? As for Brereton, I was interested to hear that back in the mid-1950s his late father sat on the bench for the Irish rugby team. "I once asked him," the Hawthorn legend recounted, "what he had done so well that year to get so close to the Test team. 'Did you score a lot of tries, Dad?' 'None at all, son,' he replied. 'Did you kick a lot of goals, then?' 'No son, not one, I was a forward.' 'Pull off some great tackles, at least?' 'Not particularly, son.' 'Well, what did you do so well, Dad?' 'Well, that year I seem to mostly remember a lot of great pushing in the scrum!' "
CHEW ON THIS
Meanwhile, the whole James Graham biting exercise reminds Fitzphile Joe Weller of an episode back in the golden '70s when the "St George Phantom Biter" was on the loose. "After a game at North Sydney Oval," he recalls, "Eddie Heatley, the Kiwi playing for the Bears, took off his jumper to display an impression of a full set of dentures, right in the middle of his back. The St George secretary was asked by The Sun's reporter for a response, and said: 'He must have bitten himself.'''
TATTS APPALLING
We all know what it takes to be a racist and a sexist in one's writing, but just what is needed to be a "tattoo-ist"? For reader Richard Gillis writes: "I am running a theory by you. The Swans had the least amount of tattoos per player in the league and that goes to their no-dickheads policy and building a proper team culture. Hawthorn was too reliant kicking to their painted star [Franklin] who stats-wise hasn't been the same player since adding the tattoo sleeve. And don't get me started on the Wallabies. The decline started with the tattoos being added to all the white boys. Islanders from NZ I get, part of a long-term culture of war. Wallabies, just more individualism and a 'look at me' psyche in a team sport. Drop the lot. Has some merit I think, what say you?" I am not sure I dare comment Richard. Some of my best friends, etc, but it is an interesting theory!
SHOT SELECTION
Dear TFF,
If I am bitten by a rugby player, should I get a tetanus shot as a matter of course, or would it depend on what team he played for?
Tony Turner
Dear Tony,
Rugby union OK.
Rugby league, get a shot.
TFF
CAULIS CAUSE
Rugby people, bring it in tight. As if you didn't know, over the years the Primary Club has raised $4 million by having its members donate money every time an Australian cricketer scores a golden duck. As a division of the Primary Club, using its infrastructure, some of us - including Nick Farr-Jones - are forming its rugby equivalent, whereby rugby folk will give money to spinal injury and the like every time a Wallabies front-rower scores a try. Premier Barry O'Farrell will launch The Cauliflower Club - ''For those who either have cauliflower ears, or are only still pretty because of those who do" - at a lunch in the Strangers' Function Room at Parliament House on November 12, and we have room for 300. It will be the first of what will be an annual rugby gathering, during which all backs must buy all forwards at least one drink, shake them by the hand, look them in the eye and say, "Thank you. Without you, I would have been nothing. And mate, I am sorry about your head." All forwards will reply: "Get away from me, you parasite." You get the drift. We are honoured to have Sir Nicholas Shehadie as our patron. Please email me for details. And come!
WHAT THEY SAID
US Anti-Doping Agency on Lance Armstrong, as it releases its 200-page report, with sworn testimony from 26 people, including copies of tests, emails, texts, the lot: ''The evidence shows beyond any doubt that the US Postal Service Pro Cycling Team ran the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping program that sport has ever seen.'' Read it and weep.
Dennis Cometti tweets: "Ol' @warne888 renamed his Flipper to the #Slipper - its harder to pick, seems to turn both ways but very easy to catch out."
Ian Thorpe, in Europe, on what he misses from home: "I really miss my dogs. Everyone else I can talk to on the phone. But they just try to eat it."
Canterbury sponsor Gary Johnston just keeps digging a bigger hole for himself and the club, as he tries to defend the indefensible comments hurled at a female journalist: "It could have been [directed to] someone inside the building, in fact that's the more likely explanation." Really, Mr Johnston? Then who was the "dumb dog" being so instructed?
Johnston again: "I think Channel Nine should definitely apologise for what they've done, as far as inflaming a lot of aggravation over what was very little evidence that there was any abusive conversation to the Channel Nine people." And this, my friends, is why George Bernard Shaw said, "If there is intelligent life in the universe they must be using the earth as a lunatic asylum."
An inmate at the prison where disgraced Penn State coach and convicted pedophile Jerry Sandusky was held in solitary confinement last December, says they sang Pink Floyd's song Another Brick In The Wall, Part Two to him all night: "Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!"
Warrington prop Paul Wood after completing the entire Super League grand final, tweets: "Ruptured my right testicle, got a knee 1 minute into the second half, had to have it removed. Just coming out the hospital to go home … Seriously feel like I've left something?"
Puerto Rican featherweight Orlando Cruz: "I've been fighting for more than 24 years, and as I continue my ascendant career, I want to be true to myself. I have always been and always will be a proud gay man." Far from the first gay boxer, he is the first boxer to out himself while still competing.
James Graham on why he pleaded not guilty to biting Billy Slater: "I feel I didn't bite him. That's why I went with the not guilty, that's how I feel." How do you plead? Your honour, I FEEL not guilty. Please.
Australian squash makes a pitch to its supporters: "How do you feel when you watch gold medals being handed out to tennis, badminton and table tennis? Aren't we one racquet sport short of a full Olympics? And then there is trampolining …" The best way to send a message of support for squash's inclusion, they say, is for people to come to the forthcoming Australian Open.
TEAM OF THE WEEK
Australian Schoolboys Rugby team: Had a great win against New Zealand in Auckland last Saturday with young fullback Jonah Placid one to watch for the future. It is the second straight win over the Kiwis. Rah.
Dominic Cadden: The new 66kg World Masters Powerlifting champion.
Simon Taufel: World class cricket umpire has hung up the index finger. If young Simon is retiring the rest of us must be getting old?
West Indies: Won the WorldT20 Championships, whatever that is.
Gai Waterhouse: Has joined her father, T.J. Smith, as the most successful trainer in Epsom history following the impressive win of Fat Al.
Western Sydney Wanderers: Equally impressive start to the new entry into the A-League.
Jamie Whincup: Defied the criticism of motorsport great Dick Johnson to claim his fourth Bathurst 1000 crown.
The Southern Stars: The Australian women won the T20 World Cup, handing England their hat for only the second time in the past 26 matches.
Wallabies: Registered a supremely courageous win against Los Pumas in Rosario to finish second in the Rugby Championship behind the All Blacks.
Chris Holder: He is the 2012 (Motorcycle) Speedway world champion after winning the Polish Grand Prix on Saturday night.
Curtis Crichton: The five-year-old cannot walk without support, but he will be riding in the Sydney Spring Cycle on Sunday, October 21 (with his parents) to raise funds for Freedom Wheels bikes for other children with disabilities. Bravo, young man. Please donate on: everydayhero.com.au/curtis-ride.
Sydney Convicts: Have won the Bingham Cup hosting rights for 2014, where 40 gay rugby teams from around the world will compete in Sydney in August 2014, including the latest two gay rugby teams from Australia, the Melbourne Chargers and Brisbane Hustlers.
RIP. Jason Annear: The young NRL Manly player tragically died in mysterious circumstances at Queenscliff, likely in the wee hours of Sunday morning, while returning from a Sea Eagles function.
pfitzsimons@smh.com.au