By Greg Baum
The 2013-14 Ashes felt like an Australian fantasy in its time. In lengthening retrospect, it is beginning to look like a brilliant illusion.
Understandably, Australians convinced themselves that their tyrannical domination of England that summer was not stars colliding, but the new status quo. The immediate vanquishing of South Africa in South Africa affirmed it. After a stumble against Pakistan, Australia crushed listless India, incidentally won the World Cup, got away from competitive cricket for a while in the Caribbean, and arrived in England with their delusions intact. If there was any complacency, the snuff of English opposition would soon deal with it. This was the Ashes, Australian cricket's raison d'etre, was it not?
But the first three days have been a rude awakening, for a rueful Australia, about a rejuvenated England. In the sub-text of the British crowd's many throaty roars, there are strains of a reworking of the little girl's exclamation about the conceited king in the children's fable: "But, look, they're not wearing any capes!" Mitch Johnson conceded 160 runs before he took a wicket, and if that does not do him justice, it does the encapsulate the corporate failure the Australian attack to bowl a consistent line. Until further notice, Johnson is again a mortal.
Shane Watson picked up where he left off previously in England by playing around a ball slanted into his front pad, and being ruled lbw, and referring the decision, and finding that he was still out anyway.
Trapped again: Shane Watson of Australia leaves the crease after idiosyncratic Ashes innings.Credit: Getty Images
England came with subtle and exhaustive plans for 10 Australians - and cut-and-paste for the other. "Why does it always happen to me?" Watson appeared to ask by his pained expression. It was in the passive voice, not about what he might do, but what is done to him. It is as if he can't help it, and maybe he can't. In his supplementary role as relief bowler, Watson delivered only 13 overs in two innings. The 12th man and his drink bottles provided more relief.
Brad Haddin failed to save Australia with the bat on Friday, which is not so surprising about a 37-year-old wicketkeeper who in the last year has averaged 15, except that in 2013-14, he did come to the rescue, time and time again, and in the mythologising always would. His dismissal on Friday could be attributed not so much to any dereliction of his own duty, but yet another display of Rolls Royce quality new ball bowling from Jimmy Anderson. In his day job, Haddin has yielded 24 byes, again reflecting more the extravagance of the Australian bowlers than his own laxity, but sharpening the impression of a team off its game.
There is no sport quite like cricket for adding injury to insult. Mitchell Starc winced after bowling his first ball on Friday, had Alastair Cook caught at point from his sixth, and then dragged his not so fine ankle to fine leg. So, suitably injected, would his day proceed: a constant menace to England at one end, ever at risk of more harm to himself at the other. If there is such a thing as pyrrhic bravery, the lanky left-armer displayed it this day. It is improbable that he will play in the second Test at Lord's on Thursday, and his absence will add to Australia's shambles.
In a fanciful Plan A, Ryan Harris would have been out there to add some rigour to the Australian bowling. Theoretically, he has been missed here and would be doubly missed at Lord's in Starc's likely sidelining. But as an alibi, this is disingenuous. Harris was only ever Plan B, set to play at Lord's at the earliest. Then he broke down again, and retired, and so tacitly proved that a 35-year-old fast bowler could never have been Australia's answer anyway. Instead, he sits in the pavilion here, his gold watch calibrated not in minutes and hours, but years.
This Australian team has been heroic as it grew old, but in the opening sallies of this series have looked like ageing heroes. Michael Clarke took an excellent sidelong catch at slip, but two thoughts competed as he did, astonishment at his reflex, and fear for his back and hamstrings. By way of cameo contrast, England had rounded off its warm-up in morning with the sort of exercise Australia could not presently contemplate for fear of some new crocking, a vigorous game of soccer, finishing with Cook's header for the winner. England, younger than Australia by five years on average, has been vibrant in all its work, and thorough, too; it has out-bowled Australia, and taken every catch, which means Australia in turn has not been allowed to bat as well as England, and so this Test match has taken its inexorable course.
Nothing ever is as good or bad as it seems. Australia still has the time to turn it around - not in this match; the pitch will see to that - but in the series, if it still has the will and wherewithal. It is not Australia's way to live in the past, but it does act as sobering context. If England were to prevail in this rubber, it will have won four Ashes series out of five, and 2013-14 would begin to turn into the Australian dream that came untrue.