My tiny offshoot suburb is just like Coburg – but boring

I like to tell myself that we made a very canny investment when we moved to Pascoe Vale South in 2002, buying a liveable period home close to the city and public transport, with a nice park at the end of the street.

But to be honest, the only reason we ended up here was because we’d been priced out of Coburg (having previously been priced out of Brunswick). So with two kids about to start school, we made the trek west down Moreland Road – leaving our beloved Sydney Road far behind.

I don’t like to brag, but we didn’t just move to any old part of Pascoe Vale South. We moved to the prestigious Coonans Hill of Pascoe Vale South.

For those not well versed in the geography of the area, Coonans Hill is a slightly elevated patch that begins at Moreland and Melville roads. Two of the corners are in Brunswick West, one is in Coburg, and the fourth corner – the best one – is Coonans Hill, the jewel in Pascoe Vale South’s crown. Every suburb has its posh bit, and this is ours. Rising north from Moreland Road and ending around Shore Reserve, the Hill is filled mainly with pre- and interwar homes – and the occasional orange or brown brick veneer – like the joints on either side of us.

Named after the Coonan family, labourers from Tipperary who settled around the area in 1867, it’s a remaining tie to the suburb’s colonial/settler history – Wentworth House in Le Cateau Street, believed to be Victoria’s oldest private dwelling still standing in its original site, and Lyndhurst Hall in Walhalla Street, one of Victoria’s first prefabricated buildings. In a very Melbourne story, the Wentworth House property was subdivided into three lots in 2017 to make way for more housing.

The truth is the Coonans Hill moniker’s main value is to real estate agents, who use it to squeeze a few extra bucks out of people who can’t afford Coburg. Worked on us.

In some ways, it feels like Pascoe Vale South isn’t even a legitimate suburb. It’s got the same postcode as Pascoe Vale proper – 3044 – and our tiny population of about 10,500 is almost half that of our neighbour (about 18,000).

I suspect that at some point in the past century, a local councillor with substantial land holdings struck a deal to rename the area to distinguish it from the more industrial areas of Pascoe Vale running north of Bell Street and beyond to the badlands around Boundary Road. Those northern parts are now more popular than the southern end, with their massive blocks allowing developers to squeeze half a dozen units on them. Times change.

By the time we got here, Pascoe Vale South turned out to be just like Coburg, but boring. Yes, it was close to town. Yes, the tram service was excellent. Yes, it was affordable. The neighbours were nice. The local school and kinder were both within walking distance and great. We made friends with the parents of our kids’ friends (some of whom we even actually like). Yes, we lived a very nice life. But that stuff is superficial.

The problem with where we had chosen to live was that back then the only nearby place with an espresso machine was the local bakery. They did a mean white high tin loaf and neenish tart, but weren’t so sharp on the lattes.

So, we spent the first 10 years deeply regretting the move and wishing we had plunged ourselves into a massive mortgage on a fall-down Coburg cottage that was closer to a decent cafe.

But life moves in mysterious ways. I have always believed that if you wait long enough in Melbourne, the cafes will come. And that’s what happened in Pascoe Vale South. The first to arrive was Lady Melville (technically in Brunswick West, but just a five-minute stroll from home). No sooner had it arrived than the others followed. We now have eight lovely cafes within a short walk, and on Friday nights, Bar Tobala comes alive with local parents knocking back amazing cocktails and Mexican snacks before running home to relieve the babysitter at 10pm.

Our growth isn’t the most noteworthy of all the exciting changes in the past two decades, though. Nor is it the demographic change as more young people who can’t afford Preston, Footscray or Reservoir – let alone Thornbury or Coburg – move in.

No, the most exciting thing – the thing that really captured the imagination of our little suburb – has been the opening of Miinot Gelato.

When I first saw that someone was building an ice-cream shop in the middle of a windswept, godforsaken, rundown, largely vacant bend of shops on Melville Road, I loudly declared that whoever the f---ing idiots were, they would be broke within six months.

The constant 20-person-deep queues of ice cream lovers who gather there daily quickly disproved my theory. It’s also long rumoured that the occasional helicopter seen landing on Shore Reserve is the Miinot owners making their morning commute to work from Portsea. If true, they’re clearly doing OK.

You’re no doubt filled with envy and contemplating how you might manage a move from whatever hole of a suburb you live in to the paradise that is Pascoe Vale South. But before you do, a word of warning.

A three-scoop cup of gelato at Miinot costs $12. It’s delicious, but if you’re moving in with a couple of kids, you’re going to need to factor that weekly expense into your mortgage calculations. Houses are still relatively cheap by Melbourne standards, but the ice-cream is a killer.

David Clements is a songwriter and long-time Pascoe Vale South resident.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.