Tinsel makes baby Jesus cry: Christmas tree rules to live by

At this very moment, thousands of people around the country are partaking in one of the great festive rituals: putting up the Christmas tree. Depending on your style, this means either an annual trip into the crawlspace (or garage, or wherever) to retrieve the dusty box that houses your plastic monstrosity or a visit to a Christmas tree farm where you will buy a real tree that will inevitably end up rotting on the street by early January.

Either way, the first of December is generally agreed as the correct day to begin this process.

Without trying to be the Grinch who stole Christmas, it’s time to step away from the tinsel.Credit: Michael Howard

Of course, some will go early, the same people who make loving Christmas their entire personality. While purists would argue that putting up the tree before December goes against the spirit of the season (baby Jesus would be so sad), that’s less of a concern. Personally, I think we should be more worried about those who leave their decorations up well into February, a surefire sign of mental illness.

Anyway, these are not the rules we are here to discuss. You see, if you believe the hype, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, though really it’s the most regulated. Whether you like it or not, we have developed a set of unspoken Christmas rules that must be followed. And nowhere is this more important than the composition of your Christmas tree and, by extension, the festive vibe of your house.

First, less is more when decorating the tree, especially when discussing tinsel. Tinsel is made from PVC, a highly flammable material that, once lit, is consumed by fire in seconds. Naturally, this was a popular choice for tree dressing in the 1980s and ’90s, when people didn’t care as much about perishing in a house fire.

However, these days we know it’s both incredibly unsafe and ugly, so to persevere with tinsel is equal parts reckless and tasteless. Having tossed your tinsel, you must next decide on a lighting scheme for your tree. Generally, white lights are considered more elegant and less offensive than coloured lights. However, coloured lights offer a nostalgic appeal – a throwback to when Christmas meant being bathed in a glow of red, yellow, green and blue.

Go minimal if you must, but give the shiny stuff a rest and settle on fairy lights for your tree instead. Credit: Jim Pavlidis

Ultimately, this is a judgment call based on what suits your aesthetic. If, like me, your house is already tainted by kids’ stuff, then you may as well go nuts with the colour scheme.

For those still unsure, please refer to this comment on the official Reddit/Christmas thread posted by someone with the username Winter Snowman: “All white looks a little fancier or classic, but multicolour seems more fun, but either looks great. I love Christmas!”

One thing you absolutely cannot do is employ the flicker setting on your lights. Christmas can be stressful enough without adding a possible epileptic fit into the mix. Instead, you should opt for the slow glow or steady setting – there is no in-between.

With the above sorted, attention turns to baubles and assorted decorations. Recently, there has been a push towards minimalist Christmas trees featuring a few carefully selected ornaments on an otherwise sparse tree. The trend has become so widespread that even the Daily Mail is outraged, as evidenced by this headline from two weeks ago: Joyless Christmas trees are all the rage this year.

Aside from being joyless, the problem with this style is that it transforms your home into a department store, void of personal touches.

Every self-respecting Christmas tree must feature at least one sentimental bauble someone has given to you (usually purchased overseas), one personalised decoration, preferably featuring a family member’s name, and one homemade decoration that should be hidden at the back.

Away from the tree, you may have a few small Christmas touches around the house. Nativity scenes are always a fun way to make guests wonder if you’re secretly incredibly religious or just really into miniatures. Snow globes are permitted, and so too is a sign that reads, “Santa, please stop here”. Unfortunately, any signs riffing on the naughty list (Naughty is the new Nice! It’s Nice to be Naughty!) are forbidden.

Three tiny but very wise men.Credit: AP

Undoubtedly, there will be a few among you who argue that such nitpicky rules violate the true meaning of Christmas, what with Jesus famously declaring, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged”. But as forgiving as he may have been, even the birthday boy would be mortified at the idea of tinsel on a tree. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Find more of the author’s work here. Email him at [e-mail] or follow him on Instagram at @thomasalexandermitchell and on Twitter @_thmitchell.

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