My husband was given a beautiful muscat. Perfect for my sore throat … right?

My husband was given a beautiful bottle of muscat for his birthday. I’ve heard that it has medicinal properties, so am I entitled to open it without permission to soothe my scratchy throat while he’s at work? A friend suggested that, in a divorce settlement, half would be mine! M.M., Moonee Ponds, Vic

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

As I’ve just learnt, muscat is a fortified wine made from the muscat variety of grapes. I’d only ever heard of Muscat, the capital city of Oman. And I’d also heard of the muskrat, a semi-aquatic rodent that enjoys a highly anthropomorphised love-life involving candlelit dinners and tango-dancing, according to the highly esteemed, ’70s-era, soft-pop zoologists, Captain and Tennille.

Another thing I’ve just learnt: fortified wines have medicinal properties that can lower your risk of heart disease, diabetes and certain cancers. Though, at the same time, fortified wines have non-medicinal properties that can increase your risk of liver damage, stroke and certain cancers. So I’m guessing a glass of muscat may soothe your scratchy throat while, at the same time, killing you slowly.

Last of all, I’ve learnt this: any gift given to a person by a third party isn’t usually included in the 50/50 split of a divorce settlement. This means that if you left your husband, you wouldn’t be entitled to half his bottle of birthday muscat in the same way you wouldn’t be entitled to half his birthday cards from friends or one half of the pair of Happy Socks that his mother gave him, the ones with the kooky banana motif. Sorry, but you’re going to have to get his permission to open that bottle. I suggest wooing him with a candlelit dinner, followed by a bit of tango-dancing, then finish up with “singin’ and jingin’ the jango, floatin’ like the heavens above”. Yeah, just try muscat love.

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