Babe, I just flew to Bali. It’s time for a booze limit on planes

“Babe, babe, can you get my vape?”

A late twenty-something drunk couple were having this conversation across the aisle from me on a recent flight to Bali, to where I was travelling for a friend’s 50th birthday celebration. But before the plane had even left the Sydney tarmac, the flight was fast becoming a nightmare.

High as a kite.Credit: Getty Images

Everyone has a flight horror story. I’ve travelled to many countries, lived overseas for more than a decade, and endured some very, very ordinary flights; flights on which the plane suddenly lost altitude because of terrifying weather; flights in developing countries and dictatorships where the plane felt like it was sticky-taped together and parts of the interior collapsed or dislodged; flights that would make you gag when smoking was still allowed, or where the plane’s toilet cubicle floor was a swimming pool of urine. Hello, Ethiopian Airlines.

But this early evening Virgin Australia flight I took to Bali late last month was hell. (You were expecting Jetstar, weren’t you?) It was only a six-hour journey, almost the same as flying Sydney to Perth, yet for some of the passengers starting their holiday, it was party time!

For three young men, the party had begun at the airport bars, and by the time they boarded my flight they were barely able to walk. They stumbled and shoved each other down the aisle trying to find their seats, calling each other c---s as they went.

They didn’t last long. Passengers complained, asking the crew why they’d been allowed onboard given they were visibly inebriated. Before their removal there was some argy-bargy, with the young guys refusing to leave. The pilot made a cameo in the aisle, declaring it wouldn’t be an international flight without some drama. Finally, two of the three men left amid passengers’ claps and cheers. I presumed the third guy had passed out in his seat.

I must be getting old, but who wants to be that drunk on a plane? More to the point, who wants to be locked for hours in a cramped cabin with people that drunk?

Not Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary. Two days before my Bali flight, the notorious airline chief executive made the eyebrow-raising call that a two-drinks per passenger limit be imposed at airport bars to stop drunken disorder on flights and at airports. This from a billionaire CEO who runs the most budget of airlines and is known for his own outlandish behaviour. O’Leary has dressed up as the Pope to promote a new route to Rome, called airport operators “rapists”, rivals “arseholes”, and told customers who wanted a refund to “f--- off”.

O’Leary’s previously shown disregard for what customers want, saying they are “usually wrong”. Now, he’s suddenly become concerned about their welfare on flights, saying the recent European summer had seen a surge in bad behaviour and onboard violence, the reasons being alcohol and drugs. “We don’t allow people to drink-drive, yet we keep putting them up in aircraft at 33,000 feet,” he said.

O’Leary is hard to like, but after my Bali flight, I found myself agreeing with his idea of limiting pre-flight alcohol consumption, even though I wasn’t sure how it could be implemented at airports.

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary is known for his controversial views and wants a two-drink limit imposed at airports before people fly. Credit: Bloomberg

When two of the drunk guys were removed from my flight, a couple seated across the aisle from me were among those clapping and cheering the loudest. But not long after the plane took off, before any service had begun, a crew member delivered this same couple giant coffee cups filled with a liquid. It was complimentary because – as we later learned – one of them claimed to be “staff”. Being “staff” can mean you’re a staff member, or related to a staff member.

The liquid was possibly tea, coffee, soup … alcohol? Who knows? But after consuming it, followed by many little wine bottles in quick succession, that same cheering couple got horribly, terribly drunk. The wine bottles were dumped in the aisle. The woman dry-humped her boyfriend in his seat before wandering the aisle, swaying, asking for more alcohol. She disappeared into the toilet to vape. The couple didn’t try to hide the vaping, openly getting the vape out of a backpack and talking about it.

The backpack was eventually confiscated by crew. The drunk woman fell onto passengers and, at one point, a passenger complained. “Shut the f--- up,” the boyfriend responded. He’d also told his drunk girlfriend, more endearingly: “Shut the f--- up, babe.”

The woman also lost her phone during the flight and proceeded to commando-crawl the aisle, searching under passengers’ feet armed with her boyfriend’s mobile and its torchlight.

Eventually, the seatbelt sign was illuminated, and her phone was found in her bag. The crew plied the couple with free cheese and crackers (you had to pay for food on the flight), and they slowly sobered up.

Not soon enough, the flight began its descent into Bali. An announcement was made hoping passengers had enjoyed their flight, and stating that vaping and smoking was banned in Denpasar airport.

At the airport’s luggage carousel, the couple vaped while waiting for their bags to arrive.

While Michael O’Leary is focused on drink limits in airports, I’d venture that responsible service of alcohol is even more vital in small, shared, airborne spaces than on the ground. To think otherwise would be plane crazy.

Anne Hyland is an award-winning writer and a senior correspondent. She was previously deputy editor of Good Weekend and has worked for the AFR and as a foreign correspondent.