A public service announcement on the public toilet crisis

I only had myself to blame for leaving the house with less than 10 per cent phone battery, a thoroughly modern mistake. Compounding matters was that I had driven halfway across town to an unfamiliar suburb for a work meeting.

Arriving early, I purchased a bottle of water from a vending machine, my phone’s final act of service before shutting down. With no device to distract me, I drank my entire bottle of water until all I could think about was how badly I needed to use the toilet.

Dramatic as it may seem, we are in the grips of a public toilet crisis and need to do something about it.Credit: Dionne Gain

My best bet was a nearby cafe, so I strolled in confidently, smiled politely at the owner and asked where the bathrooms were. Without looking up, he explained that the toilet was for paying customers only: “There are public bathrooms around the corner.”

Around the corner was an enormous understatement, but eventually, I stumbled upon a single toilet block that presumably inspired the first Saw film. Hanging on the door was a sign that read “Closed for cleaning,” but based on what I could see from the outside, it needed to be closed for demolition.

Desperate, I trudged back to the cafe and pleaded with the owner, who finally relented, but not before loudly reminding me (and everyone else in earshot) that the toilets were for paying customers only.

Admittedly, I didn’t blame the cafe owner, and if I had not been undergoing an involuntary digital detox, I would’ve gladly bought a piccolo in exchange for using the toilet. As a former freelance writer who spent countless hours working from cafes around the city, I appreciate that sometimes people abuse their generosity.

Just last week, coffee conglomerate Starbucks announced an updated “code of conduct” which mandates that the coffee shop’s spaces – including “cafes, patios and restrooms” – would soon be for paying customers only. Need to use the toilet? You had better order an orange creamsicle frappuccino first.

The reality is we live in a country that boasts far fewer public toilets than it does cafes (and pubs and hotels), meaning when nature calls, you’re more likely to find the answer in one of those places.

According to the National Public Toilet Map app, which shows the location of toilets around the country, there are 23,000 public toilets across Australia. Divide that by our population of 26 million people, and it’s roughly one bathroom for every 1000 people. This stacks up, because I regularly walk into a public bathroom and get the distinct sense that 999 people have been in before me.

Stranger still is that despite being a nation of overzealous legislators and regulators (in Melbourne, it is against the law to vacuum loudly), Australia does not have a legislative requirement to ensure an adequate supply of public toilets.

So pressing is this issue that online communities have formed to share the best secret spots in the name of public service – such as the wonderfully named Best Place to Go in the CBD Reddit thread: “QVB is a good shout. The downstairs ones are a bit disgusting but the men’s bathroom does have a funny super slim stall.”

A file photo showing the public toilets on Sydney’s Park Street in 1986. Pretty sure I’ve been in this exact bathroom.Credit: Robert Pearce/Fairfax Media

Dramatic as it may seem, we are in the grips of a public toilet crisis and need to do something about it. This is usually when I’d make a joke about the need for some kind of government intervention. (Parliamentary inquiry into public toilets now!)

Except there actually is a parliamentary inquiry into public toilets … now.

In August, the NSW parliament launched an inquiry to investigate increased funding and maintenance for public toilets. Part of the inquiry will include examining international best practices, which naturally brings us to Japan.

Anyone with even a passing interest in bathroom culture knows that the toilets there are excellent. They’re architecturally beautiful and technologically advanced – using a public toilet in Japan is like flushing in the future.

The Tokyo Toilet project has taken the design of public toilets to a whole other level.Credit: Satoshi Nagare, Courtesy of Shibuya City

Meanwhile, if I walk into a public toilet here and at least one of the dispensers is full of industrial-grade pink soap, I consider myself blessed. In Japan, you’re having a bad day if the seat warmer doesn’t work or the lounge jazz on the stereo is playing too loudly.

While it remains to be seen what will come from the parliamentary inquiry, we should take some encouragement from the Metro and, by extension, the Metro toilets. Proof that when we put our minds to it, we can create helpful mass infrastructure that works and doesn’t look awful. All it takes is seven years and $21.6 billion.

Until then, can I get one grande latte? Also, do you have a bathroom I could use?

Find more of the author’s work here. Email him at [e-mail] or follow him on Instagram at @thomasalexandermitchell and on Twitter @_thmitchell.

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