Lions for leaguies: My guide to the greatest rugby show on turf

Everyone, after me:

A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lions sleep tonight ...

And so they do. But they’re coming. Getting closer now.

After a wonderful lead-up in Dublin and Perth, the British and Irish Lions have hit the east coast of Australia, playing Queensland last night as they build towards the first Test in a fortnight.

I love it. You love it.

Our friends, the leaguies, however, may possibly be confused on the fine detail, as even they are a drawn to a series of such global grandeur.

And I am here to help. Here are a few things you leaguies need to know about the series and the team.

The series itself is dinkum historic

Sort of like Origin is historic, ’cept that, instead of going back to 1980, it goes back to 1888, which is when the first Lions side toured Australia and New Zealand. Nothing if not polyvalent, that first touring side also played no fewer than 19 matches of Aussie Rules – you can look that up – across Victoria and South Australia.

The whole thing was such a success they came back in 1899 and – bar world wars and various global cataclysms – have toured every four years since, across South Africa, New Zealand and Oz.

So, in the modern incarnation, they come here every 12 years. They narrowly beat us in 1989, we belted them in 2001, and the mongrels just beat us in 2013.

Jamie Roberts helped break Australian hearts in the deciding Test of the British and Irish Lions tour in 2013.Credit: Getty

Where are the players drawn from?

Pretty much what it says on the can. They come from Great Britain – as in England, Scotland and Wales – plus Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. It’s a little like your Rugby League World Cup, but with a difference. Instead of players being drawn from pretend national comps that don’t actually exist, and everyone going along with the sham, they really are the best players from fierce competitions that funnel into actual national teams, and these are the genuine superstar players from those Test sides.

Just how many people care about the result, and will be watching?

More even than watch an Origin series. Yes, that big! Actually, it’s sort of like those matches you play in Las Vegas in March, except that, instead of it drawing an Australian audience of a couple of million, plus 55,000 Americans, this will draw a genuinely global audience from across the planet in the 133 countries where rugby is played. The last one to these shores pulled in about 100 million. (No, no, an actual 100 million. Not the 100 million some professional proselytisers were claiming would watch the Las Vegas stuff.)

What can we expect to see?

Seriously wonderful football. Think of it like a Test series between Great Britain and the Kangaroos. Except that, instead of it being fairly forgettable, with the result usually pre-ordained, in this series no-one knows who is going to win and, to judge by the most recent tours, the result will likely be in the balance right up until the last minutes of the final Test and will be talked about for decades to come.

Who are the best players?

On our side, you will at least know Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii, yes? He served his senior football apprenticeship with the Roosters before graduating to the Wallabies when he decided he wanted to go global and play on an actual world stage.

On their side, look to Finn Russell, the 32-year-old five-eighth from Scotland. He’s a maestro of the art – real art – a one-stop shop complete package of no-look passes, scintillating sidesteps, precise crossfield kicks that could knock the cigarette out of a seagull’s mouth at 42 metres, and devastating runarounds that leave defences scrambling. He’s sort of like your Nathan Cleary, ’cept that ... no, as you were. He’s sort of like your Nathan Cleary.

And that is why rugby is looking at Nathan, come to think of it. (If Nathan wants to play in Paris, London, Buenos Aires, Jo’burg, Dublin, Rome and Cardiff – instead of Parramatta, Wigan and Las Vegas, tell him to call us.)

Anyway, we do hope you’ll enjoy it.

As for you, Nathan, good luck in Origin III. Yes, an important game for the Blues. But for you, think of it as your audition for the Big Time.

I’ll be in my trailer.

All nine matches of The British & Irish Lions Tour to Australia are live & on demand on Stan Sport, with Wallabies Tests in 4K. All Test matches live and free on Channel 9 & 9Now.

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