I’m a collector of petty grievances. Now I’m giving them away

Recently, I have been rewatching Curb Your Enthusiasm, a show I adore. Larry David, like me, prides himself on his spiteful nature – so much so that in one episode he opens a “spite store” called Latte Larry’s, after he is banned from Mocha Joe’s coffee shop. However, I’m questioning my willingness to hold grudges.

According to my father, I was born “with spite running through my blood”. My Nonno – another Robert – is legendary in my family for having always found motivation by his desire to prove people wrong. After moving to Adelaide from Italy when he was very young, he worked for years in construction before quitting and starting his own company, which is still running.

Before he passed away, he told us how he had disagreed with how previous employers paid him and the other workers and lied about being “Australian made,” despite importing products from China. He merrily acknowledged that he started the company “out of spite”.

Spite has long motivated Larry David’s character on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but it’s not a healthy way to view the world. Credit: AP

In my late teens, I started writing articles for a movie website based in Los Angeles. I would write during class time, and sometimes over recess or lunch. The website didn’t pay me, but I wanted to impress the editor, as he also worked for The Hollywood Reporter. After a while, I pitched him the idea of presenting news stories as bite-sized videos to appeal to Twitter and Instagram users. Instead of reading an 800-word article, someone could watch a 30-second video. The editor shot me down, saying “No one would want to watch that.”

Using my Nonno as a guiding force, I quit my unpaid position at the movie site, and started making videos to upload to YouTube. After a couple of months, the channel took off, and I even started getting paid. It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing.

Spite, or the idea of wanting to “stick it” to someone, has pushed me to accomplish wild feats. It no doubt pushes many of us.

A while ago, I was dating someone and I told her what I thought was a humorous account of the time I caught up with an ex “for closure”. She said my story was not funny and that no one would want to hear something like that. The feedback only made me more determined. I wrote the story down, and sent it to The Age, which published me for the first time.

But, as a 25-year-old, I feel that my reliance on spiting people is making me a worse person. I’ve realised that holding onto things like grudges and wrongdoings and being beeped on Punt Road more than the average person is holding me back. It worries me that relying on bitterness for motivation has the potential to evolve into a more sinister and aggressive character trait.

In November, I had a falling out with my two closest friends. It was messy. I said some horrible things, and they did too. It was not fun for anyone. But I have been holding on to spite and anger over this for such a long time that I can feel it curdling inside me. These two worked on a show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and I found myself hoping that their show would receive terrible reviews, bomb and fade into the zeitgeist of the past, like Stanley Cups or fidget spinners.

For too long, I saw no problem with this mode of thinking. It was how I, and my siblings, were raised. But I found myself wanting to reach out and wish the two of them good luck ahead of their show – an action that I never would have considered a few months earlier. I wanted to change, to be someone who was kind. Instead of mocking their Instagram feeds with my other friends, I realised I should be checking in with them.

I credit some of this change of heart to my new partner. She is a wonderful person, who does not view the world as I, and my family, do. She sees my potential to solve this spite addiction. She reminds me not to take things so personally, not to hold on to things, and to move on from little grievances. For instance, a month ago, someone beeped at me while I was dropping her off at work, and I ranted for about 10 minutes about how I was “not in the wrong at all”. She told me to, “Let it go, man.”

While I know that spite can be a powerful tool, much like Spider-Man’s black alien costume, too much of it can turn you into something mean and hard to be around. When it came to my ex-friends, I’m afraid I did not message them, in case you were wondering. I’m not ready for that yet. But I’m trying.

Just the other day, I was driving down Punt Road with my girlfriend in the passenger seat when some dude beeped the hell out of me. I looked at her, and she looked at me, expecting me to react as I usually would. It took some effort, but I managed to let the anger subside with responding. It was a small step, I know, but I think I’m making progress.

Roby D’Ottavi is a writer and director based in Melbourne.

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