Not much shocks me about bedroom antics, but this is downright deviant

I’m not usually surprised by what other people do in bed. I’ve been around for a while, and I know that anything a human being can possibly think up has, and is being, done.

But a new viral video has my mouth hanging open. I didn’t even know that this behaviour was possible. A married couple, Angelina and Skylar, get into bed each night, and they choose a side of the bed. In the 11 years they have been together, they have not yet picked a regular side. Every few nights, completely at random, they switch from one side to the other.

Everybody loves their side of the bed. Credit: HBO Independent Productions

Now, I am all for being wild and experimental, but this is unnatural and wrong! Sharing a bed means claiming your own half and sticking to it. I have my side, you have your side, and we meet in the middle for cuddles and sexy time. Those are the rules. I didn’t make them, I just follow them, like everyone in the world but Angelina and Skylar.

I sleep on the left-hand side of my queen-sized bed. When my partner stays over, he sleeps on the right. But even when he isn’t over, I stick faithfully to my side. I’m not going to roll all over the bed like some peripatetic renegade. I need stability. I need routine. I need my favourite pillow! And I need the left-hand side.

Why the left? Well, research suggests that left-side sleepers have a more positive outlook compared with their right-side bedfellows. But this is nonsense, of course. The researchers have clearly never got up to wee in the middle of the night. Had they done so, they would know that choosing a side has little to do with preference, and everything to do with the loo.

I sleep on the left side because it is closest to the door. I wake up at least once every night (and twice if I’ve had a late cuppa), and I need easy access to the toilet. When there are two people in the bed, the one with the pelvic-floor issues or the prostate problems gets the side with proximity to the door. And if both people in the bed are waking up at night? Well, I guess they toss a coin.

Of course, different environments provide different floor plans, and so different sides may prevail. When I sleep at my partner’s home, I sleep on the right side of the bed because the bedroom door is to the right. Is it ideal to be switching sides when I sleep in different homes? No. But is there method to my madness? Absolutely.

I have my side at my place, and my side at his place. I know the curve of the ceiling, the fall of the light, the position of the lamp on the table. Lying on the opposite side would be weird and destabilising, and I couldn’t possibly sleep under such conditions.

There is another issue too: the bedside tables in each home containing all of my precious stuff. And this is no small matter; a bedside drawer is like the subconscious of the home-storage system. It is a deeply private compartment that holds our most intimate of belongings: our earplugs, our lip balms, our melatonin, our nose sprays, and our special *adult* items as well.

Do Angelina and Skylar also switch bedside drawers? Do they bung all their stuff in together? Do they reach over and pick out whichever earplugs happen to be near? Do they also share towels? Socks? Toothbrushes???

The logistical challenges must be immense. How to keep track of your books? And you’d need compatible phone chargers.

In my family, we don’t just have sides of the bed. We have regular spots for pretty much everything. We sit on the same chairs each night for dinner, we have our favourite places on the couch, and we have our regular seats in the car, too.

Recently, at a family dinner at my parent’s house, we tried switching the seats. I sat on the opposite side to usual, my kids shuffled positions, even my father relinquished his chair at the head of the table. And then we all just sat there, feeling awkward and unsettled.

“I don’t like this!” my daughter said.

The conversation was stilted. The evening was tense. The following week, we reverted to the norm.

Perhaps Angelina and Skylar are extremely secure in themselves, or perhaps they’re cheerfully chaotic anarchists. Either way, I did learn one thing from their bedroom revelations: after all these years, I can still be shocked.

Kerri Sackville is an author, columnist and mother of three. Her new book is The Secret Life of You: How a bit of alone time can change your life, relationships and maybe the world.