Lawson Brinsmead feels like his life is on hold. He and his ex-wife separated in February and sold the family home.
But in May, the former couple and their daughter moved into a rental property together in Brisbane because, Brinsmead says, he can’t afford his own place.
Lawson Brinsmead is separated but continues to share a home with his ex for financial reasons. Credit: Paul Harris
“I won’t lie … I was terrified,” Brinsmead says. “I had no idea how I was going to pay for a roof over my head.”
According to Services Australia, the number of people registered with Centrelink who are separated but live under one roof has grown from 38,772 in 2017 to 53,231 in 2022.
The agency does not capture the reasons why separated couples continue living together.
But The Separation Guide, an information and connection hub for people going through separation and divorce in Australia, says it is seeing an increase in the number of people who say they can’t move out because of cost-of-living increases and interest rate rises.
“We’re seeing rental market pressures and, obviously, we are seeing month-on-month interest rate rises, which is putting a lot of pressure on discretionary income,” says The Separation Guide CEO Angela Harbinson.
”Then we’re also seeing lending criteria tightening as well, which means it’s more difficult for someone on a single income to enter into the property market and get a home loan. So, these are factors we see playing into more and more people living under the one roof.“
Harbinson says it can be hard for former couples to move on with their lives when they are still living together.
“Sometimes it is difficult to be moving through those stages of grief if you’re reliving the pressures that were the reasons that you separated in the first place because you’re still under that one roof.”
For the past six years, Brinsmead was a stay-at-home dad, who worked part-time at a market, while his ex was the main breadwinner.
He is now working full time making retractable fly screens but says it’s so far been impossible to find somewhere close by to live on his $900-a-week salary.
Brinsmead is grateful to his ex, who pays two-thirds of the rent and all the bills. But that doesn’t make it easy. He initially found it tough when she started dating, although he says he is fine with it now, and he has started doing things for himself, like going to the gym. “It was hard for me to move on because I was very dependent on her.”
The former couple sleep in separate rooms, have separate meals and take it in turns to look after their six-year-old daughter.
“It’s had its ups and downs,” Brinsmead says. “So many aspects of my life are on hold. I met a girl I really liked but after a couple of really nice dates, she said, ‘I can’t do this, you live with your ex-wife, this feels wrong’.”
Brinsmead has children from another relationship. He told them not to come and stay during school holidays because he didn’t want to impose on his ex.
“I feel really trapped, but I know it’s not going to be that way forever.“
Relationships Australia, which provides support services to families and individuals, is also seeing more separated couples living together because of the pandemic, financial pressures and lack of housing.
“We’re seeing people who are having to stay together and they have to stay in the one bed because there’s nowhere to go,” said Relationships Australia NSW CEO Elisabeth Shaw.
“That’s really hard as well, especially if you’re not entirely resolved about the separation, it can be very bittersweet to be in bed with the person that you’re having to separate from.”
Shaw recommends separated couples agree to time frames for remaining living together and commit to activities such as actively looking at other properties or going to the bank.
She also suggests making clear rules for as long as both individuals remain in the house.
“Some couples agree that they will not date during that time, for example, or not doing things that are openly inflammatory to the others, and perhaps distressing for the children, like suddenly staying out all night without notice,” Shaw says.
Benjamin Hale and his ex meet for 90 minutes every Tuesday to have the “difficult discussions” around their separation.
“Other couples who may have separate bedrooms and even separate entrances to the house can obviously go a bit further around beginning to have a separate social life.”
Shaw says it is important for people to remember that how they end the relationship can set up what happens for the rest of their lives, especially if they want to remain on good terms for their children.
“If you harm each other further when you’re already under a lot of stress and distress, the pain can be greater and it can have a lasting legacy that you don’t intend.”
Benjamin Hale and his former partner of 22 years have remained living together in Noosa after separating 10 months ago.
“Exploding property prices have just made it incredibly difficult to figure out the financial separation and living arrangements to go from one household to two,” Hale says.
“Another major reason is to just to keep some continuity of family life for the kids so the process of separation is not so wrenching.”
Hale said he and his ex-wife had a project management approach to the separation, setting aside every Tuesday from 10.30am to 12pm to discuss finances, their legal rights and living arrangements.
“What I found was that whenever we talked about any small issue, the underlying anxiety would bubble up and things would just explode, which wasn’t very functional,” he said.
“So now all the difficult discussions that separated couples have to have are corralled into that hour-and-a-half every Tuesday. We agreed this discussion will be very adult and we’ll try and keep emotions out of it.”
Hale said their relationship was now like one of flatmates. They equally shared the housework and childcare, which made him appreciate the greater burden his ex-wife had taken on in the past.
Both Hale and his ex now see other people, although they tend not to bring other partners into the home.
“You can’t invite someone into your home to share your space with them, which is I think, a critical part of establishing a new relationship.”
Hale said a lot of pragmatism was required to make living under the same roof work when separated.
”I’m a child of three divorces, so I know the damage that acrimonious divorces can do,” he says.
“I’m very motivated to ensure that we avoid the fight or flight responses, take a walk, try not to say things that can’t be unsaid. You’ve just got to be so self-aware because a misstep can be really damaging for the kids, and it’s very easy for it to spiral into something acrimonious and expensive.”
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