Once a harmless dating term, ‘the ick’ has turned nasty

We’ve all been there. You’re dating someone who seems too good to be true and just as you start to imagine a future together they reveal something that, without warning, gives you “the ick”. Alarm bells sound and suddenly, you’re questioning everything.

From featuring on Sex and the City and Friends two decades ago to its latest revival via Love Island, “the ick” as a dating phenomenon is as old as dating itself. But more recently, the term has undergone a toxic reincarnation thanks to TikTok, morphing from what was once universal shorthand used to explain an unexplainable feeling to harmful gendered generalisations reducing individuals to monoliths.

“The ick” as a dating phenomenon is as old as dating itself.Credit: iStock

So what gives people “the ick”?

“It can be anything from fashion to political ideology, and I think that’s why it’s taken off so much in a social media context,” says Dr Raquel Peel, a psychology and counselling lecturer at the University of Southern Queensland.

“For some people, dating is quite anxiety-inducing. It’s not always easy, it is uncomfortable, and it can trigger us because we are on high alert.”

But where previously the term represented a genuine but perhaps relatively minor issue with the other person (say, discovering he wears convertible trouser shorts), people’s ick lists now include things like men placing their heads on a woman’s shoulder or trying to hold hands in public. Something Peel says reveals more about the ick-lister themselves than anybody else.

“Research tells us that criticism and contempt are often the mechanisms of protecting the self. It’s a one-sided strike first attack as a way to keep yourself out of that possible hurtful situation,” Peel says.

She adds: “It may be that we are finding anything and everything to justify something out of fear of commitment or a fear of intimacy.”

Peel says “the ick” is still very real for older generations too, but they’re simply using other means to get their message out there.

At its most primal level, “the ick” is our body’s alarm system warning us that something might not be right and that this person might not be for us, something Peel says shouldn’t be ignored and can be helpful in better understanding ourselves and our dating needs.

“It may be that we are finding anything and everything to justify something out of fear of commitment or a fear of intimacy.”

“The mechanisms are there for a reason, we do need them and there will be times where you need to walk away because you aren’t safe or because of different political beliefs or religious views or whatever. And that’s OK. But when it’s something like a belt or a pair of shoes, that suggests something else is going on for a person.”

If you find yourself suddenly feeling the ick, Peel recommends taking a moment to consider what might be behind the sensation.

“What is it that’s triggering you to go, ‘I don’t like their fashion sense, their haircut?’ Is it that you’ve gone on three or four dates and things are starting to get serious and you’re afraid of getting hurt? Where are these fears coming from, are they valid, and how can you recover from that fear and continue in that relationship if that’s what you want to do.”

From there, she recommends having a conversation about expectations, what you want in a relationship, and deciding if there’s a way forward.

“With real conversations, couples and people in general might actually be able to get to the bottom of what they want in a relationship, their expectations, and how to be able to experience that in a real way,” Peel says.

“The person that you’re with will most likely have no idea of how you’re feeling or why you’re feeling the way you are. Explain yourself, explain why you feel the way you do and allow them to explain themselves.”

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