Why waiting for the ‘right time’ to divorce may not be a good idea

For some, it will seem that not enough time has passed for it to warrant a second iteration. But the premise of a couple stuck in a decades-long marriage that has descended into misery and contempt is clearly a storyline too good to leave alone.

This time around, Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman star as the warring spouses in The Roses, a pair who stays together longer than they should, while their children get older and their budgets get bigger. If they’d split up sooner, how different could things have been? It begs the question: is there an optimum time to get divorced?

Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch play a couple with what appears the perfect relationship, until it implodes, in The Roses.Credit: Searchlight

“I have seen amicable couples agree to wait, particularly if they’re still able to co-exist peacefully and maintain stability,” says Sally Russell, a separation consultant with the Separation Guide. “These couples often function more like friends or business partners and genuinely prioritise the children’s wellbeing.”

But this is the exception, not the rule.

“It takes a lot of emotional maturity and collaboration,” Russell says. “For many others, staying in limbo can create more harm than clarity.”

The legal requirement is that spouses must have been separated for at least 12 months before applying for a divorce, so for many, getting the ball rolling is a priority.

But delays do happen – be they a result of parenting arrangements, financial reasons, unexpected life events or simply not feeling ready to move on.

So if there isn’t a good time to get divorced, is there a time that’s less bad?

We should stay together for the kids

The Australian Institute of Family Studies reports that while 82 per cent of children aged under a year live in “intact” families, this figure drops to 64 per cent for 14-year-olds. Divorce is most common for families with middle primary school-age children, at eight to 10 years old. This means that in any Australian classroom, up to half of students may be experiencing separation or divorce at home.

“We know children do best in low-conflict homes where parents are happy and content,” says Carol Markie-Dadds, international country director with parenting program Triple P.

“The key determinant of how children fare is how well parents manage the transition to separation and divorce, rather than when it happens.”

Children’s understanding of divorce will depend on their age, but that doesn’t mean they’ll cope better when they’re older.

“Regardless of when it happens, have age-appropriate, open and honest conversations that let children know that the separation is not their fault, both parents love and care for them, and that your family is resilient and will bounce back,” Markie-Dadds says.

I can’t afford to get divorced

With lawyers charging upwards of $350 an hour and barristers more than $1500 a day, divorce in Australia can be expensive. A “standard” divorce is estimated to cost between $10,000 and $20,000. According to Money Magazine, if your matter ends up in court, the average cost is between $50,000 and $100,000 (and it can take up to three years).

“This is a worry we hear often,” Russell says. “The fear is real, but often inflated by media portrayals of divorce as an expensive, combative legal battle. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be that way, and there are plenty of professionals who are committed to reducing the stress and expense of this process.”

Markie-Dadds says: “Financial worries are a common concern but shouldn’t be the sole reason to remain together.”

I want to wait for financial reasons

When actors Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise married in 2012, their prenuptial agreement ensured she would receive $US3 million for every year of marriage, up to a maximum of $US33 million. If their marriage had lasted 11 years or more, the prenup would have been off the table, and Holmes would have been entitled to half of Cruise’s assets – estimated today at US$600 million ($932 million). Holmes called time after five years.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married from 2006 to 2012. They reached a divorce settlement in just 11 days.Credit: Getty Images

“It really depends on the individual circumstances,” Russell says. “For some, delaying separation might seem financially strategic, if you’re waiting for superannuation to stabilise or for property values to shift, for example.

“But I always caution against staying stuck in limbo. Life doesn’t wait. Redundancies, new relationships, children or health issues can shift the landscape quickly and add complexity to any future agreement.”

My family will freak out

It’s easy to assume that your family will have your back when it comes to a divorce. But sometimes that’s not the case. In certain dynamics or perhaps for cultural reasons, immediate family members – parents, siblings – might struggle to support someone’s decision to leave.

“Family and friends often have strong opinions about your process, but ultimately, this is your life,” Russell says. “We encourage people to manage these conversations by ‘setting the reaction’. That means calmly communicating your decision and setting clear boundaries around what kind of support you need.”

Divorcees may experience family opinions that splits are “not fair” on the children, especially where older family members have fixed ideas on the traditional family unit.

“The most important thing is that your child feels loved and safe and is shielded from conflict,” Markie-Dadds says.

I feel bad because someone is sick

There’s nothing like illness to bring clarity to a relationship. When Grey’s Anatomy star Eric Dane was diagnosed with a form of MND earlier this year, his wife, Rebecca Gayheart, dismissed the divorce petition she had lodged in 2018.

Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart.Credit: Jason Merritt

It doesn’t have to be a spouse’s health issues that affect a decision; any illness in an ex-partner’s family is typically a reason to rally together.

“Illness in the family is incredibly difficult, especially when you still care about your in-laws,” Russell says. “But waiting for a ‘better’ time may only deepen your own distress. You can’t control every circumstance, but you can control how you communicate. Compassionate, respectful timing and tone will make a big difference.”

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