Why the wicked mother-in-law archetype never dies

Pour a slug of gin and clasp your pearls, people. The latest inevitable trope in the royal reality show is upon us. With Kate-versus-Meghan stories fading because of their separate lives, it’s time for the inevitable reports of a “tense relationship” between the Princess of Wales and her mother-in-law.

Queen Camilla is so thrilled with her responsibilities as head girl, according to global buzz, that she’s “hesitant to pass on her duties to Kate”. She’s reportedly “always wanted to be queen” and wants to make it last.

Rumours have emerged of growing tensions between the Queen and the Princess of Wales.Credit: Chris J Ratcliffe

This narrative makes me want to stab myself in the face. Confected rubbish. I’m only surprised it took this long. The world loves women pitted against each other, in the pursuit of power, fame or playground bragging rights. And the wicked mother-in-law is a perennial classic archetype.

Not that I’m discounting the idea of some tension among the Windsor women. Kate and Camilla are not just mother and daughter-in-law, albeit step. They’re also co-workers, their roles intertwined under a constant spotlight. Boundaries become blurry, fast when family dynamics overlap with professional roles.

Both women have their own histories and perspectives. Camilla spent decades dealing with savage public criticism before nailing down her place in the royal family. Kate was groomed for the role of future queen with a carefully curated image of grace and relatability. Their different journeys could create challenges in always finding common ground.

I wonder how Diana, with her known vulnerabilities, might have handled being a mother-in-law. With grace and support, or reluctance to relegate roles of central matriarch and royal boss?

How would Princess Diana have handled being a mother-in-law?Credit: Getty Images

Somewhere along the way, society decided in-laws should have a warm, family-dinner-every-Sunday bond. But that’s not realistic for everyone. For many women, the mother-in-law relationship feels like walking a tightrope. You want to be respectful and maintain harmony, but there’s also unspoken pressure to prove yourself.

We’ve all heard horror stories about mothers-in-law. Won’t look after the kids, sees herself as a rival, finds fault with your lack of scatter cushions. The secret, as I’ve found out from decades of marriage (not all to the same person), is you don’t have to be best friends with your MIL to have the same objective: a happy family.

My mother-in-law Sarah was – is – fantastic. We met when I was 18. From day dot she welcomed me with open arms. A mother of six, she had a way of supporting me without ever being overbearing. Instead of judgment, I got warmth. Instead of unsolicited advice, I got encouragement and generosity.

When our youngest was three, and we were renovating, I found myself in that storied place – living with my mother-in-law. One night, lounging on the couch together watching a Nancy Mitford drama, I thanked Sarah for never giving even a hint of disapproval about my cobbled-together parenting style.

“Darling,” she said. “I’ve made so many mistakes. I’m the last person to tell anyone what to do. And besides, you’re doing a wonderful job.”

My divorce from her son only changed how often we see each other. No one really prepares you for what happens to those relationships you’ve built with your in-laws when things implode. But Sarah never made it awkward. Having both been through divorce, I think we feel kinship about lost love and failure, and the knowledge that while marriages end, families don’t.

The funny, lovely part is Sarah was close friends with my second mother-in-law, Jenny. Such a small place, Melbourne. Jenny died before I could meet her, so Sarah brought her to life with stories. The first time she visited Chris and me at home, she spent time alone talking to the heavy box holding Jenny’s ashes.

Maybe our friendship has lasted for 40 years because when it mattered, we coexisted without being joined at the hip. Like Kate and Camilla.

The expectation that a relationship with in-laws has to be deeply personal is overrated.

Sometimes, mutual respect and civility are all you need. Sometimes the best way to be close is to let go of the idea everyone has to get along perfectly.

Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media and a regular columnist.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.