‘We’re trying to find something to fight about.’ Is it possible some couples don’t fight?

Most couples who have been together for some time come into conflict. Indeed, a ‘first fight’ is often seen as a milestone in a relationship, a sign that it is progressing, maturing even.

Not for George and Amal Clooney, apparently.

Clooney first mentioned in 2022 that he and his wife of 10 years had “never, ever had a fight” when in conversation with CBS Mornings co-host Gayle King. “It’s maddening to some of our friends,” he said at the time.

George Clooney says he has never had a fight with Amal, his wife of 10 years.Credit: GC Images

A few years on, and this week Clooney doubled down on the comments while promoting his Broadway debut in Good Night, and Good Luck.

“We still haven’t,” he said. “We’re trying to find something to fight about. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

For many, it’s a statement that beggars belief. But is it really possible that some couples in long-term relationships never fight?

Principal therapist and owner of Melbourne-based practice MSRCC Susan Lackner says it depends on your definition of a fight.

“There is a difference between a disagreement and a fight,” she says. “A disagreement you can do in a regulated manner, but a fight is escalated, and it becomes very hostile.”

Conflict is a normal part of any partnership, Lackner says, it’s more how you choose to deal with it. In fact, couples who say they never argue can be a red flag for therapists.

“There are couples who will come in and say they never disagree, and that is a problem,” she says. “When a couple says they never disagree, it often means one person is submitting and is too fearful of the conflict.”

Jacqueline McDiarmid, a family therapist at Sydney Couple and Family Specialists, says it’s impossible to know what Clooney means when he says he and his wife never argue.

“He might be thinking ‘we’re not screaming at each other’. It depends on how he is measuring what a conflict is,” she says.

But after 10 years together, McDiarmid says the Clooneys are past the limerence stage – that period early on in a relationship marked by infatuation and romantic feelings towards the other person that typically lasts between 18 months and three years. And despite their considerable privilege, she says their relationship would be subject to the same pressures most of us are familiar with.

“The Clooneys would have similar problems that most people have around parenting and differences about disciplining [their children] and expectations. They will have the same kinds of things that everyone experiences, the same insecurities, because they are human.”

While it’s tempting to hold high-profile couples to a different standard, McDiarmid says comparing your relationship to anyone else’s is pointless.

“It’s unrealistic to say everything is perfect. Everyone thinks everyone else’s relationship is fantastic. They think everyone is having more sex [than they are] and other people are having these amazing relationships, and it’s not true.”

For relationships to truly flourish, creating a language around disagreements is vital, says Dr Rowan Burckhardt, director of the Sydney Couples Counselling Centre.

“An essential part of relationships is getting our needs met by the other person, but we are all different people and needs can clash,” he says.

Conflict management strategies fall into three categories, Burckhardt says. The first is overt conflict which escalates in either both people shouting, or one person shouting and the other submitting and shutting down. The second way is ignoring the problem altogether, sweeping it under the carpet in the hope it will resolve itself. This can result in longstanding resentments which are ultimately destructive to the relationship.

The third option, says Burckhardt, is the best strategy for long-term happiness.

“Healthy discussions are the way forward. There will be a bit of tension, and it can get tense, but that’s the ideal,” he says. “Even if your delivery is not perfect, even if it’s a bit rough around the edges, it’s better than avoiding the issues. Not addressing it is incredibly corrosive.”

Burckhardt says no amount of money and influence will exempt couples from rubbing each other up the wrong way from time to time.

“All that wealth will have almost no effect on their levels of conflict. [The Clooneys] are painting a rosy picture. Marriage over the long term is never easy. Even the best relationships go through their ups and downs.”

What money can provide though, is access to support, says Lackner.

“I would imagine they probably have access to therapy, and they understand what their triggers are and how to deal with them. That’s the majority of the work we do.”

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