Unlocking the key to libido: ‘The idea of normal is so variable’

Most of us are taught that what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Sex, and all things associated with it, has generally been considered a “private” matter that need not be discussed with others.

This is changing – the sex-positivity movement encourages people to speak about who and what they desire, as well as consent, and sexual wellness. But one thing still often falls by the wayside: libido.

We may not know exactly how Ozempic affects sex drive yet, but at least it has got us talking.Credit: Adobe Stock

Libido is what drives people to seek sexual pleasure, yet few want to talk about it.

This is because there’s still significant stigma around sexual desire, says clinical psychosexual therapist Kristen Campbell. Many inaccurately assume there’s a universal “healthy” libido, thus alienating those with either a lower or higher sex drive.

“People who experience little or no desire often feel pathologised or misunderstood, as if something is inherently wrong with them,” says Campbell, who is also the NSW secretary for the Society of Australian Sexologists.

“This is particularly true for folks who identify as asexual, who frequently face invalidation or pressure to fix something that isn’t broken.

“On the other end, individuals with high desire may be labelled as ‘too much’, promiscuous or deviant. In both cases, the assumption that there’s one ‘normal’ level of desire creates a lot of shame and confusion.”

So, how can we talk about libido in a useful, constructive way?

Does sex drive change?

It’s natural for libido to fluctuate, says Swinburne senior psychology lecturer Dr Simone Buzwell.

“The idea of ‘normal’ in this domain is so variable,” says Buzwell, whose research specialises in sexuality. “Sex drive varies across ages, genders, sexuality … It’s actually really harmful for people to think there’s a normal libido.”

A range of biological, psychological and social factors can impact sex drive, Buzwell notes, including hormonal change. Hormone production tends to decrease with age, with things like pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause and andropause (male menopause) all having an additional effect. Those undergoing a medical gender transition may also notice a change in their libido.

Your sex drive won’t remain the same throughout life. Neither will your partner’s.Credit: Getty Images

“Medical problems can also impact your sex drive … You may not feel that sexy if you have the flu. Similarly, if you’re in pain,” Buzwell says. “Also mental health problems – if you’re depressed, you may not want to engage in intimacy, but if you’ve got bipolar disorder, perhaps that’s something you want to engage in more.”

Other factors include stress – which could lead some to use sex as a coping mechanism – and anxiety or PTSD, which may dampen sexual urges. Social factors also play a role, Buzwell says, including the quality of relationships.

“People will have different cultural or religious backgrounds, and follow different rules around libido and sexual activity.”

My partner’s libido doesn’t match mine. What should I do?

Differences in sexual desire are completely normal across all sexual orientations, genders and relationship types, Campbell says. In fact, it’s the most common reason people seek sex therapy.

This isn’t just because of the various factors that affect sex drive, but also because there are different types of desire.

The types of desire

Campbell says sexual desire typically falls into two broad categories: spontaneous and responsive.

1. Spontaneous desire: arises on its own – often as anticipation of sexual activity – and is more commonly seen in individuals with higher levels of testosterone and at the beginning of relationships.
2. Responsive desire: occurs in reaction to pleasurable touch. It often develops once the pleasurable touch is already under way. This type of desire is more common in longer-term relationships and among people with lower testosterone levels.

A common misunderstanding is that spontaneous desire is more legitimate. However, Campbell says many people, especially those in long-term relationships, experience responsive desire more frequently.

For some, mismatched libidos create a negative cycle within a relationship, with the higher desire partner perhaps feeling rejected, and the lower desire partner feeling pressured or guilty. In these cases, psycho-sexologist Asha Bosman says it’s best to speak openly about your feelings while remaining non-judgmental.

“Rather than trying to fix the discrepancy … talk about what sex and desire mean to each of you. Ask with curiosity, not criticism. Often, these conversations reveal so much more than just sexual preferences – they uncover emotional needs and stressors.”

It’s important to invest in non-sexual intimacy too, including touching, talking, laughing, even just sitting quietly together. Bosman says these kinds of connections create the safety and closeness that then facilitates desire.

“And don’t forget playfulness and fun,” she says. “We tend to think of desire as serious, but it’s often sparked by lightness and novelty. Stay curious about each other, not just sexually, but as whole people.”

Sex is important for many couples, but playfulness and fun should be equally so.Credit: iStock

If the negative cycle continues, Campbell suggests seeking relationship therapy to rebuild emotional safety.

“Only once that’s in place can we explore the deeper factors affecting desire. What activates each partner’s interest in sex – their accelerators, and what inhibits it – their brakes.

“From there, we work toward building a sense of shared pleasure, collaboration and connection, where both partners can feel seen, valued and satisfied.”

When should I worry?

Libido is only a cause for concern if it changes suddenly, causes distress or impacts your relationships or self-esteem, Bosman says.

“There’s no ‘normal’ you need to live up to. What matters is how you feel about it.”

If it’s impacting your ability to function, she recommends connecting with a certified sex therapist or psychologist.

Are there drugs that can get me going?

Usually, the libido fluctuates as a result of natural factors, but there are also some external, artificial factors. For example, medications for high blood pressure and antidepressants such as Lexapro have both been linked to reduced sexual function. Meanwhile, specific selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) medications such as bupropion (Wellbutrin), and erectile enhancement treatments such as sildenafil (Viagra) can sometimes improve sexual response.

One study even suggests Ozempic could help increase libido. Notably, the research is only based on anecdotal evidence and requires further clinical research. Meanwhile, some people on social media are arguing the opposite, claiming Ozempic lowered their sex drive.

Without further research, it’s difficult to say whether Ozempic could impact libido, Buzwell says. However, there’s already a proven link between obesity and sexual dysfunction.

“If Ozempic is helping someone lose weight, and that makes them feel more attractive and healthy, they might feel more sexual,” she says. “If you feel great in your body, you’re more likely to want to share it with someone else, or even just with yourself.”

On the other hand, the drug inhibits certain reward-pleasure activity in the brain, which would presumably include sexual urges.

“Just remember it’s more complex than just physiological factors,” Buzwell says.

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