To these two women, sharing their experience of coercive control is a ‘rebellion’

Content warning: this article discusses themes of coercive control and domestic violence.

Emily and Kara both experienced coercive control, but the similarities end there. In its specificity and humiliation, each experience of domestic abuse is tragically unique.

From July 1, 2024, there will be new laws to address coercive control in New South Wales. Defined as when an adult repeatedly hurts, scares, or isolates a current or former intimate partner to control them, coercive control is insidious and often subtle.

Even to Emily and Kara, it can be difficult to fully explain.

In sharing their stories, these two women – whose names have been changed for privacy reasons – call attention to the wide-ranging experience of domestic abuse and highlight why these new laws are so desperately needed.

‘I felt very, very isolated’

Emily says her experience of coercive control spanned over decades. “It didn’t start straight away, the abusive behaviors,” she says. “I’ve said it in the past that I felt like a frog in boiling water.”

From July 1, 2024, there will be new laws to address coercive control in New South Wales.

Emily is alluding to the metaphor of the frog who doesn’t realise it is being boiled to death because of the gradual rise in temperature. She experienced years of name-calling, screaming, monitoring and manipulation – all degrees on a slowly turning dial.

“When we’d hear him come into the driveway, everyone would be on guard,” she says of the way her, and her children would anticipate her ex-partner’s moods. “We’d all assume our position, so it was all calm and ready and the way that he wanted it to be when he walked in the front door.”

Yet Emily says the goalposts constantly changed. “I’d meet his needs and his requirements in one situation and then the next week they’d change, and they’d get more stringent,” she says. “I felt very alone, and I felt very, very isolated.”

This feeling that she would never be good enough caused her to “give up.” “That’s when the abuse got really, really bad and physical abuse became involved,” she says.

While Emily contacted the police and secured an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO), it was the ongoing threats that gave her “constant unease.”

“I didn’t have black eyes every single day but again, he was so cunning in his behaviours that of course there wouldn’t be,” she says. “He was self-aware enough to know that if he did those things, he would have to take accountability for his behaviour.”

‘I was extremely embarrassed’

Kara admits her relationship didn’t feel right from the beginning. Her ex-partner is 11 years her senior and started pursuing her when she was still a teenager. “When we met, he used manipulation and intimidation a lot, quite early and quite intensely,” she says.

Manipulation and intimidation: key signs of the insidious nature of coercive control.

Kara wasn’t initially attracted to him, knowing the age gap was “inappropriate”, but he used love bombing techniques to control her while making it seem like love. Love bombing can be a sign of coercive control, where the perpetrator employs excessive grand gestures, gifts, compliments and affection to manipulate or trap the other person.

“This is the thing,” she stresses. “[Coercive control] is so hard to describe to anybody in words what it actually does to you and what it involves.”

Kara says her partner soon started abusing her physically and sexually. He kept tabs on her whereabouts, silenced her and isolated her from her friends. “It was just me and him, and I literally believed that, ‘wow, this is the only person for me. I don’t deserve friends.’ That’s how he made me think.”

Kara was overwhelmed with the feeling that there was “no way out.” Within a year of dating, as a teenager, Kara gave birth to the first of two children. She says this made it harder to admit to herself that she was experiencing abuse.

“I feel ashamed of bringing kids into this world, but I love my kids and I want to be the best mum I can be, so I’m just going to pretend like this is not happening,” she recalls feeling at that time. “I was in denial for 10 years.”

Seeking help and speaking up

It was Kara’s desire to have her kids “be proud of her” that prompted her to start studying and follow a career. She met new friends during work placement who urged her to seek help.

“That essentially, for me, was the driving force behind going to the police because I felt supported outside of the house,” she says. “I felt strong enough. I was no longer isolated.”

Kara says the new laws addressing coercive control in NSW are a step in the right direction. “I wished I had been told about coercive control and given resources to access if I ever needed it because I literally felt like throughout that whole time that there was absolutely nothing and no one that would help me,” she says.

Similarly, Emily says the new laws are “making a statement from a community perspective that this kind of behaviour is not socially acceptable.”

After so many years of feeling frightened to use her voice, Emily considers telling her story an act of rebellion. “Another act of rebellion is wholeheartedly getting behind this legislation change and going to my children, you know what? This stuff’s not okay and I hope that you don’t have to live in a tomorrow that’s like that.”

The NSW Government has developed a new campaign to educate the public about coercive control. Visit nsw.gov.au/coercive-control/share to view the campaign and learn more.