This beige generation (or is it vanilla?) is throwing out the baby joy

Vanilla, pale grey, pebble, bone, cream, crème, oatmeal, almond, biscuit, fresh white … It could be one of those whites and neutrals paint charts many of us agonise over for hours, looking for cool or warm undertones.

... Milk, coconut, fog grey, cloud, ivory, whisper grey, milky white, butter, oat, warm grey, mascarpone, bright white, sesame seed. The list goes on. At off-white option 47, we throw our hands up in the air and revert to the tried and true. Antique White USA and, in my case, half or quarter-strength Hog Bristle.

White is good in theory but when babies do what babies do, it won’t stay that way.Credit: Shutterstock

But, no, this long and far from exhaustive list isn’t for paint. They are babywear colours. Who makes these names up?

My youngest grew out of her onesie some time ago, and I have been in a wilderness where there have been no hatches, a few matches, and far more despatches. Of course, there have been heart-warming milestones – the creche, kinder, primary, secondary school, university graduations, birthdays from 18 to 90. And far too many funerals.

But bouncing babies are looming again as the Millennials in our lives are starting families, and my friends and I are getting our heads around what newborn gift-giving looks like nowadays.

With the benefit of hindsight, I am a firm believer in the less-is-more approach with baby gear. Sure, get the good pram but so much other stuff isn’t needed. Exxy brand-name infant runners, baby bath thermometers when you can just dip your elbow in, and baby fruit sieves come to mind. And, in my case, I didn’t need a baby monitor to hear my first baby scream the house down. In a busy, noisy house, the third baby soothed herself to sleep. That wouldn’t have happened if I’d had a monitor, jumping at every murmur.

Of course, if any of my kids was having a baby, I would be directed by them as to what would be a useful gift. Within reason.

But I’m having trouble coming to grips with what is being called the “sad beige baby” aesthetic. I have sounded out some friends about the best way to approach gift giving. One stylish granny-in-waiting told me she was chastised when she turned up with a bundle of pink clothes for a yet-to-be-born girl. (To be honest, I think it’s bad luck to get too ahead of yourself. I didn’t know the gender of my three and needed to eyeball them before landing on a name.) A text later arrived telling grandma, “Thanks, but no thanks” to any more pink clothes. Another friend was directed that clothing bearing trucks or dinosaurs was banned for the baby boy onboard.

My mother died a few years before I had my first child, and I felt her loss when my bub arrived. She could have turned up with anything or nothing as a gift and I would have been grateful for her presence rather than worrying about the colour of her presents.

Sure, I get that people have personal tastes. If you’re collecting Le Creuset cookware and you’ve got your heart set on a volcanic, cerise or bamboo green colour palette, or if you must go for the sad beige kitchen, the meringue, cream and white, yell it out from the rooftops. These cast-iron pots retail from $650 to $950 and are indestructible with a lifetime warranty. You may as well get something you like.

But baby clothes are so temporary. Who needs to be picking this fight over sizes 0000 and 000, which will be worn for a matter of months before they get handed on or end up in the rag bag?

There are theories on why mums want to carry their minimalist décor over to their babies’ nurseries, wardrobes and toys. It seems to be fuelled by Instagram influencers creating their own aesthetic or, as us older people might say, style. They don’t select, they curate.

US writer Hayley DeRoche has been tickled pink by the trend, getting millions of views for her Sad Beige parody accounts. She calls out the marketing trend with kids dressed in often bleak, natural fibres and looking like something out of a Charles Dickens’ book. Which is funny given these clothes usually cost a bomb.

I’m less idealistic about babies and cream colours. My firstborn was a refluxy, drooly baby so light colours became yellow stained and no amount of Napisan helped.

Some say the muted tones create calm and are gender neutral. Others suggest a lack of colour is bad for the baby’s eye development. The science isn’t in on that one yet, but there is some evidence that contrast is important for eye development.

I get the aversion to brightly coloured food pumped with artificial additives and sugar. But we’re told to eat a rainbow for a healthy diet, and who doesn’t feel uplifted by a bright bunch of flowers? Maybe beige mums would be happier if they lightened up, so to speak, and embraced a pop of colour.

Claire Heaney is a Melbourne writer.

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