Renée thought she could bring out his good side. The abuse only got worse

For a woman, leaving a family-violence situation is far more complex than just packing up her belongings and walking out the door to a new life.

Dr Fiona Buchanan, a senior research fellow and lecturer at the University of South Australia who has completed extensive research into domestic abuse, says that emotional and psychological abuse often escalate slowly over time.

“Overall, abusive relationships start with love and when the abuse begins women then hope that things will change,” she says. “But then it progresses to fear, where many women stay because they realise that the abuse won’t just end if they dare to go.”

Dr Buchanan suggests that rather than asking survivors, “Why didn’t you leave?” a more appropriate question is, “Why didn’t he stop abusing?”

“Providing public education – from schooling about healthy relationships to public campaigns to inform everyone and contradict the myths that create shame for women – could help to end domestic abuse,” she says.

“If you’re in a domestic violence situation know that your partner’s abuse isn’t your fault; his behaviour is his responsibility. Plan how you would leave – even if you’re not ready to go yet, organise documents and confide in a trusted friend or get counselling to help you figure out your options. Be prepared to get support, you don’t need to do this alone.”

Here, three survivors of domestic abuse share their stories.

Dr Fiona Buchanan suggests that rather than asking survivors, “Why didn’t you leave?” a more appropriate question is, “Why didn’t he stop abusing?” Credit: Stocksy

‘Calling the police never entered my mind’

Renée* witnessed domestic violence as a child and ended up with a violent partner.

“My experience with domestic abuse began as a teenager. My mum was in an abusive relationship, so as an adult I fell into the same pattern where I confused abuse with love.

I was 19 when I moved in with my partner and that’s when the first signs of jealousy started. He began physically and psychologically abusing me for any small reason.

A year into our relationship he beat me up badly and I left. But when I returned to pick up my belongings, he was very apologetic and full of charm. Reassuring me he would never hit me again, and thinking I could be the one who brought out his good side, I decided to stay. This is also what I knew relationships to be like – a cycle of fighting and making up. I also didn’t believe I was worth more.

The abuse was on a weekly basis. Every Friday he would buy me flowers to make up for the abuse the night before. Eventually, I moved states thinking that the distance would benefit us. But we stayed in touch and I decided to give us another chance. Not long after, the abuse started again – this time, much worse.

I wasn’t able to break the cycle all these years because I felt psychologically and mentally trapped. Friends and family who knew what was going on were too scared to get involved. Calling the police never entered my mind, mostly because I never saw my mum ask for help. Equally, I was terrified what he would do if I left, so staying was safer than leaving. I knew he was capable of anything.

But one night I packed my belongings and called my sister and dad to pick me up. When he got home before I left, I was sure he was going to kill me. Luckily, once I told him my eldest sister was on her way he backed off. She really intimidated him.

I finally left forever.

He contacted me 12 years later through social media and we had closure and forgiveness. Life had taken him on a colourful path and eventually he found peace with his own children. I found out he passed away after a motorbike accident five years ago.

Today I’m a mother of two teenage girls and I’ve been with my partner for 23 years. It’s like love I never knew existed.”

‘I no longer recognised myself’

Daniella Mancuso never imagined becoming a victim of domestic violence.

“The coercive control and tactics were evident from the beginning, yet it took me some time to realise. My slightest transgression would result in furious outbursts and jealous rants that spiralled into fits of rage and intimidation.

He first assaulted me four months into our relationship, which resulted in a split lip. Then came the endless gaslighting, psychological terror and sexual assaults. They gradually distorted my reality, broke down my defences and eroded my self-worth to the point where I began to doubt my instincts and no longer recognised myself.

I broke up with him eight times during our nine-month relationship. But after every violent episode he convinced me that I deserved the brutal, dehumanising abuse which kept me trapped in a cycle of self-loathing and humiliation.

I also foolishly believed him when he begged for forgiveness, sobbing with remorse. I fell for the broken promises that he would never harm me again, even while he continued to deplete me financially and take advantage of my compassion and generosity. He saw these as signs of weakness to exploit.

I believed him when he swore to kill himself or seek revenge by harming those close to me if I ever tried to get medical help or go to the authorities.

I felt helpless and began to isolate myself from my friends and family. Afraid and embarrassed, I made excuses to avoid gatherings, even postponing work meetings to hide the physical evidence of abuse.

I escaped for the final time in October 2019. I fled to the local shopping centre and slid a note over the information desk asking them to call an ambulance to care for my open wounds. I was terrified of police involvement but I knew that if I was not completely honest it would impact my credibility as a witness.

When preparing my police statement, I was meticulous to ensure that every bit of evidence could be substantiated, cross-referenced and validated. I had taken images of my bruised face and had them time-stamped. When the abuse was happening I had no plan to take it further, but I needed the proof just in case. What was vital in convicting him was third-party evidence from people who had witnessed the abuse. In May, 2022 he was sentenced to 12 years’ prison with a non-parole period of almost eight years.

My healing is a work in progress. But rather than feel ashamed, I’m proud to share my experiences through advocacy work to help lift the stigma that silences so many victims and survivors.”

‘I became a shadow of my former self’

Lena** was able to escape her violent partner when his mum helped her leave.

“My live-in partner accused me of seeing someone else when I attended a close friend’s small wedding alone. He began verbally belittling me – my clothes, appearance, what I cooked, the time I got home …

I was constantly walking on eggshells. After months of demeaning comments, the physical and sexual abuse started. Because of the unrelenting anxiety, my weight dropped to 48 kilograms. I became a shadow of my former self.

For more than four years he kept drip-feeding me with affection, money, time to see my friends and family.

It was just enough to not have the courage to leave or be able to afford to. And any time I mustered enough courage to do so, he would double down on his efforts to strangle any emotional strength I had left.

Publicly, I kept up appearances. I was fearful because he legally owned a gun. I also felt that if I asked for help, I would be judged for staying, or not be supported enough. I was gaslighted so much that I doubted my own decisions.

The first time I physically left was with the help of a male work colleague. He noticed changes in my appearance and personality and he and his fiancée grabbed my belongings and drove me out of the place. Sure enough, my perpetrator called as soon as he realised I was gone, but instead of belittling words, I got this sweet, loving and submissive partner asking to meet. He wooed me back.

It was his mum who rescued me. I think she knew through my partner’s young daughter, who witnessed certain things when she stayed with us.

She helped me get out by screaming at me that her son didn’t love me. She wanted to see me happy and free. She was going to confront him and deal with it on my behalf. It was the most loving and selfless thing. And as a mum myself now, I would do the same. After that there was no contact.
I’m now married with a young daughter and a gentle husband. There is safety and affection in my family unit.

We need to turn around the systemic gender violence that exists in society. We need to help the next generation be free from abuse and trauma by providing good role models around what good relationships look like.”

Renée’s surname has been omitted to protect her identity. **Lena’s name has been changed to protect her identity.

National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

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