Men are not from Mars. They are from another galaxy entirely

God, apparently as a prank, devised two sexes and called them “opposite”. Even though there is only a pair of chromosomes which separate us, I often feel that men are not just from Mars, but from a different galaxy altogether.

Research had found consistent differences in the ways men’s and women’s brains operate.Credit: ISTOCK

Before you accuse me of “neurosexism”, new research from Stanford University has found consistent differences in the ways men’s and women’s brains operate. These differences are so reliable that, given a brain scan, scientists using a new artificial intelligence model were able to guess the subject’s sex 90 per cent of the time. Their conclusion? “This is a very strong piece of evidence that sex is a robust determinant of human brain organisation.”

Well, no woman needs a science degree to work that out. During the ’70s and ’80s, the differences between the sexes were largely attributed to nurture, not nature. But now we know that nature rules – and that women are naturally superior. Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. Before you blokes mount your high horses and gallop off into the sunset, just look at the evidence.

A hetero male’s brain starts working the minute he wakes up in the morning and doesn’t stop until it sees a beautiful woman. What excites your average bloke? Pornhub, food, footy, fast cars, beer and barbecues.

The trouble is, women get excited about nothing ... and then we marry him. Just joking! I’ve had two wonderful husbands whom I love and respect. But it is true that when women get together, much of our cackling conversation concerns male idiosyncrasies we find bemusing.

Another male obsession we females can’t fathom is religious devotion to the golf course. It’s not the promised land; it’s just a long lawn with holes in it.

KATHY LETTE

As I just mentioned barbecues, let’s start there. Boys, can you explain why it is that you only get an urge to cook if there is fire and danger involved? Another male obsession we females can’t fathom is religious devotion to the golf course. It’s not the promised land; it’s just a long lawn with holes in it. In fact, male obsession with sport is perplexing. I’ve no doubt I could leave my partner at the start of the rugby season and he wouldn’t notice until spring.

It’s passé to mention peeing on the toilet seat, but I’m sorry – how can you miss that gaping hole? It’s not as though we’re asking you to aim into a shot glass. Another habit women can’t comprehend is men clipping their toenails in front of the telly, then leaving a little pile on the coffee table. Clean up your act, fellas!

And speaking of cleaning, clearly putting dirty clothes into the laundry basket is not a matter of practicality but some mysterious female superpower, and finding dirty undies on the floor in close vicinity to a laundry basket is a definite indication that a bloke’s lurking about.

The way men scratch their nether regions in public is also puzzling. I have never once seen a woman making a random rearrangement of her genitals at a bus stop. Nor do we flick wet towels at each other’s backsides in communal showers.

We are, however, happy to admit when we’re lost. Your average man worries that his testicles will retract if he dares ask a stranger for directions. That may be the real reason for colonisation; those explorers were just a bunch of lost white dudes.

Thankfully, sat-nav means getting lost is no longer an issue. But given that men have a love of gadgets, maybe we should invent a genital-orienteering device – a twat-nav perhaps? Then blokes would have no excuse for not helping us reach our desired destination.

Am I generalising? Yes. Do I care? No. Because men, in general, still rule the world. They’re also still the generals in the sex war. Until women get equal pay and blokes stop waging war over wages, the battle of the sexes will drag on, as it has since the dawn of time.

Clearly, it’s a miracle that men and women can live together. If only there were a third sex available to us! But perhaps it would also help if we stopped concentrating on our differences and focused on our similarities.

The reason human beings have survived for long enough to even discuss this topic is due to the human brain’s remarkable ability to adapt. This neural plasticity means both sexes can change and improve. And the one issue both sexes can agree on is our desire to understand each other. After all, it’s just so much fun doing the research.

That said, I would also happily accept a truce in the sex war ... starting with you blokes negotiating your terms of surrender.

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