If only Ben and Jennifer had followed my divorcee’s guide to marriage

After months of feverish speculation, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s separation is official. JLo filed for divorce on the day of their second wedding anniversary, which is very linear but also poetic and poignant and sad.

Divorce is always monumentally unpleasant. I’ve tried it, and I rate it zero stars. But there is an excellent way to avoid divorce, and that is don’t get married in the first place (or second place, for that matter, or third ...)

Ben Affleck and JLo clearly didn’t go to Boy Scouts or girl guides, as all the knots they tie come undone. Credit: AP

You see, it’s not the “being unmarried” bit that’s hard; it’s becoming legally disentangled from your spouse. It’s messy and expensive and can be shameful to admit, particularly when you’re a public figure. I remember feeling awkward about mentioning my divorce in one of my quiet columns. Announcing it to a worldwide audience of millions would – I imagine – feel considerably worse.

This will be the second divorce for Ben (poor, Sad Ben). He was engaged to Jennifer Lopez, married to Jennifer Garner, reunited with Jennifer Lopez, and now married and separated from her. JLo, on the other hand, has been married four times (including, most recently, to the singer Marc Anthony) and has been engaged a total of five times.

I know several ordinary people who have been married three or more times, but it does seem to be more common among celebrities. Kate Winslet, Tom Cruise, Drew Barrymore and Kim Kardashian have all been married three times (so far). Our own Rupert Murdoch just tied the knot for a fifth time, a year after calling off a wedding to someone else.

Just last week, 38-year-old actor Kaley Cuoco announced her engagement to actor Tom Pelphrey, after two marriages and divorces. In 2022, she told Glamour magazine that she would “absolutely” never remarry. “Never”, apparently, lasts about two years.

I don’t mean to be a cynic, especially about love, but it does beg the question: why? Why do they keep embracing the social and legal construct of marriage that has failed them so dismally in the past?

Of course, marriage can be steeped in religion and faith, but none of these celebrities seem particularly pious. Marriage in a secular sense is but a statement to the world that you are committed to another person for life, or thereabouts. When you’ve already made this statement two or more times, it can’t help but lose its gravitas, if not sanctity.

So why do it, particularly if you don’t plan to have children? Instead of publicly proclaiming your enduring love and commitment, why not just live it and be content? There are plenty of ways to express your dedication to your partner without walking down the aisle. You could wear a ring if you like. (They’re very easy to remove.) You could post loved-up selfies. (You could always delete them later.) You could get matching tattoos. (Cover-ups are cheaper than divorce.) You could even adopt a dog! (They cope well with shared custody.)

But it seems both redundant and reckless to make promises you historically are unable to keep.

Now, third and subsequent weddings possibly don’t hurt anyone, except the wallets of the invited guests. (“Can I just go to your even-numbered weddings?” asked a cynical friend when invited to a mate’s third wedding. “Bing Lee has run out of toasters.”)

But they really do start to look a little foolish, particularly when they are big, white, third or fourth weddings. So too are those gushy Instagram posts, with hands held excitedly up to the camera. (Yes, we all know, it’s a wedding ring, you’ve had three of them before.)

I’m sure that Ben and Jen felt absolutely sure they would stay together forever. I’m sure that Kaley Cuoco believes this fiancé will be her partner for life. And I’m positive this marriage of Murdoch’s will be his last. (The man is 93.)

But perhaps they all should have held off getting betrothed. They should have recognised they’ve been in love multiple times before, and that being in love in the moment might not mean – if history is any guide – that they will be in love forever. They should have realised that they tend to change their minds about their partners, or perhaps their partners change their minds about them.

And they should realise that love doesn’t need to lead to marriage. Although white frocks and weddings are excellent fun, avoiding divorce is even better.

Kerri Sackville is an author, columnist and mother of three. Her new book is The Secret Life of You: How a bit of alone time can change your life, relationships and maybe the world.