I will never get to confront my former bully, but these people did

When the most vicious bully from my school recently died, I felt conflicted.

His reign of terror was such that, three decades on, his name still sent shudders down my spine. My initial reaction to his passing was similar to other former students: “He made my life hell. No big loss.”

That may sound cold, but this was a man who would push you off your bike, kick your head in, spit homophobic slurs at you, then steal the bike.

Jen Willis in front of the fence she was padlocked to by a former bully.Credit: Wayne Taylor

Still, his death got me thinking. What was inside him that made him so angry as a teenager, then so despairing as an adult? Was he bullied at home? Was he perhaps secretly gay, as I was in high school, and grew up in a household where that was unthinkable?

My biggest curiosity was what would we say to each other if we’d had the chance to meet again?

I decided to speak to those given the opportunity to confront a schoolyard bully years later. What do people want in this situation? Is offering forgiveness always the most powerful solution? Or is it something darker, like revenge?

‘I think about you all the time’

James Vivian, 40, attended a private school in Melbourne. He came out as gay aged 15, but people guessed he was before then. “From ages five to 15, my sexuality or femininity made me a walking target,” he says.

Of all his bad bullying moments, one sticks out. When he was in grade seven, a group of boys ganged up on him and “made life very unenjoyable”. Years later, then 19, Vivian found himself standing next to one of the perpetrators in a bar.

“Initially, I wanted to run away,” he says. “I was scared.” Instead, he tapped his bully’s shoulder and said: “Hello. It’s me, James Vivian.”

The bully recognised him and took Vivian aside. “He said, ‘I’m so happy to see you. I think about you all the time, and how horrible I was to you. I’m really sorry’.”

He even offered a reason – now very ironic – as to why the gang of boys picked on him so much.

“He said they did it because all the girls liked me and wanted to date me,” Vivian says. “He said they were all really jealous. It was frustrating because I’m gay!” he says. Nevertheless, James was grateful for the explanation and apology.

“It doesn’t make those sad moments any better. But it was validating.”

Ehab Youssef, a clinical psychologist, says that while an apology can aid the healing process, it’s not a guaranteed remedy.

“Some find such apologies validating, feeling a sense of closure when their pain is acknowledged. It can help them move forward, releasing lingering hurt and resentment,” he says.

“Others may find this stirs up old wounds. An apology can be a meaningful step, but it’s often just one part of a broader recovery and healing process.”

When a bully wants to apologise

Some former bullies are so tormented by their past behaviour, they feel a burning urge to atone. One such person was Woody Cooper, who features in one of America’s most infamous photographs of racial abuse.

The target was Dorothy Counts-Scoggins who, in 1957, was one of the first black students to attend a newly desegregated school in Charlotte, North Carolina. Young white students taunted her, threw rocks, spat and hurled racist slurs. Cooper was a culprit, caught on camera.

In 2006, Cooper emailed Counts-Scoggins with an apology. When the two met up, she said, “I forgave you long ago – this is an opportunity to do something for our children and grandchildren.” They shared their story many times.

Fifteen-year-old Dorothy Counts-Scoggins walks to school at Harry Harding High School in Charlotte, North Carolina, on September 4, 1957.Credit: Douglas Martin / The Charlotte News

But apologies don’t always go as planned. Sometimes, people’s memories of events differ wildly.

William Brougham, 47, was written to by someone who was in a different class to him at school, apologising for their treatment of him at school.

“The strange thing is I have no memory of him bullying me,” says Brougham, based in Sydney.

According to Youssef, a good first step for former bullies looking to apologise is to consider whether this apology is genuinely for their victim’s benefit – and not simply a way to alleviate their own guilt.

“I also suggest they’re prepared for any reaction,” he says. “The victim might not be ready to forgive.”

Running into a former bully doesn’t always go as you might have rehearsed in your head.Credit: iStock

A moment of confrontation

Melbourne-based Jen Willis was severely bullied in grade six. “I was punched often, my lunch money stolen and I was even padlocked to the school’s front fence,” says the 52-year-old.

Twelve years later, the girl responsible walked into the pub. After deliberating, Willis approached her and said, “Oh my God. You padlocked me to the school fence.”

“I wanted her to take some accountability and apologise,” she says.

But the former bully did neither, instead asking Willis if she’d received an academic scholarship they’d both sat for. “I just laughed and walked away,” she says. “It seems this was what had challenged her.”

Caught off-guard and confronted with a former bully, nobody knows how they’ll react. So what would Willis say if she could relive that moment?

“I’d say ‘the damage you caused to my self-confidence was profound and lasted many years’.” These words, Willis says, would feel like a release.

While my school bully’s victims will never know such release, when I broke news of his death to them, many used the same stark single word in response.

“Karma.”

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