I made two massive changes to my life. You can embrace big choices, too

Since leaving ABC Radio’s afternoon program in Melbourne in the middle of this year, people stop me on the street, look deep in my eyes, and say: “Well done, that must have been a big decision. Good on you.” Or words to that effect.

I’ve been surprised. I imagined that there would be more “are you sure you did the right thing?” or “do you miss it, do you wish you hadn’t left?” I have been heartened by the broad understanding that change is hard, but necessary, and that in the simple act of making change, we have done something worthy of encouragement – regardless of whether the change is deemed good or otherwise.

And then, knowing how hard it must have been to leave a job they knew I deeply loved, they ask me: “How did you do it?” The same has been asked of the “how” of the separation of a 25-year relationship that happened a year ago. People have asked me about how you know.

When do you know it’s time to make a change? Should I get a tattoo on my forearm at 55? Should I have a baby by myself? I’ve just been offered a promotion, but should I leave my job instead?

They’ve also shared stories of how they made changes – moved to country towns to live by themselves at 75, changed their pronouns, left a stable job and started a wild new business and packed up their things and headed onto the road to live as a nomad for a time, and while not scientific, my on-the-street-research clearly indicates that making a change is hard, but the outcomes are mostly very rewarding.

Jacinta Parsons has embraced major changes in her life.Credit: Justin McManus

How do we do it? How do we make changes to our lives when we are hard-wired to stay safe in our knowable worlds? Making change can feel like throwing ourselves into the abyss and hoping that we’ll find ourselves somewhere new or better or just survivable. But we are often riddled with doubt that we are making the right decisions. Are they our best choices? Are they changes that will keep our families safe kinda choices?

Enforced change is particularly hard. I had long and lonely years, dealing with chronic illness where change was thrust upon me: the way my body worked (or didn’t), and what that meant for a life that I might no longer be able to “choose”. I changed and the world I inhabited changed, largely beyond my control. Well, initially anyway – that is until I understood that there are mostly always choices that we can make, even if they are small and discrete.

Quitting a beloved job is not an easy decision.Credit: Regis Martin

COVID-19 has some big things to answer for, especially here in Melbourne. Change was, and remains, a huge part of what it demanded of us. And while the trauma of those lockdown years is hopefully in the rear-view mirror, even while COVID-19 remains serious and dangerous especially for those in our community who have a level of vulnerability, perhaps we’re seeing more of the longer tail outcomes of its impact.

When we were first released back into the world, we rushed back to the familiar and to the places and behaviours that we had longed for. And now that we are largely back and living those familiar lives, the questions that stirred us while we were isolated are rising up, demanding that we at least regard them and put them to bed or act on them. I read the famous Mary Oliver poem, The Summer Day, again recently, and those final lines resonated with me once more: “Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

But this, too, can be immobilising because with this “one wild and precious life”, what if we get it wrong? I’ve come to believe that we do know about the need for change but then it’s a process of catching up to what is already true somewhere inside us and then somehow finding the courage, support or the capacity to act on it. Or the long and winding road to acceptance if the change is simply too hard or beyond our control to make.

My favourite person to turn to when I am stuck in these moments when life becomes daunting is Emma Murray. Emma is a high-performance mindfulness coach who uses mindfulness to guide AFL teams to premierships, motorsport drivers to championships, Australian cricketers to double centuries and Olympic athletes to the podium.

I spoke to her when I made the change and then again recently when I caught her for a five-minute super-charged reminder about changes. “Fundamentally,” she says, “there’s really no such thing as a right decision.” She is reassuring as she tells me that all we have is the information available to us at the time. All we can do it make the best decision based on what we know. And acceptance, that’s a big part of it. We need to come to peace with the fact that change can feel hard, regardless of how positive it might be. We also need to accept that we can’t control the world outside us and that sometimes, while we might like things to be different but we resist the change with all our might, we have to accept that not making a decision to change is a decision in itself.

I have kept those words close to me because another big part of change is that once you’ve made one, regret is a tempting mister who can come knocking at your door. And it’s here that I’ve come to understand the last part of change – the need for acceptance. Change can continue to be tricky after it has been made, and it’s important to be aware of how easy it is to look back and wonder/regret how we might have done it differently. But that’s not maybe what this is all about. So, when we do make those changes, big or small, it’s comforting to remind ourselves that regardless of how it turns out, with one wild and precious life, we are brave enough for change.

Jacinta Parsons is a Melbourne writer and co-host of The Friday Revue on ABC Radio Melbourne.

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