Is this therapy the best way to navigate co-parenting after divorce?

When 39-year-old Perth woman Beth and her husband separated in November 2021 due to his emotional affair with another woman, the impact and repercussions of the split were also experienced by their two children, aged nine and six.

“The kids got really clingy and teary at handovers, and our daughter’s teacher called us in to discuss his concerns [about how her daughter was coping],” says Beth, who chooses not to share her surname for privacy reasons.

After seeking professional help for her daughter, Beth was told by a psychologist that the “tension” between Beth and her ex-husband was exacerbating her daughter’s difficulty coping. The psychologist recommended a type of counselling for Beth and her ex-husband that she wasn’t familiar with, one that provides support for parents and their children as they navigate the separation: co-parenting therapy.

Co-parenting therapy helps former couples communicate and work together.Credit: iStock

“Co-parenting therapy teaches parents to work together even if they are no longer partners. It’s more about practical co-parenting skills than relationship dynamics. This is where it differs from other therapies,” says Sharyn Green-Arndt, therapist and family expert at The Co-parenting Institute.

While initially reluctant, the co-parents were committed to finding a positive way forward and underwent their first sessions about 13 months after they separated – beginning with a one-on-one appointment with the therapist.

Green-Arndt says this is a routine process that allows the therapist to collect background information about the former couple and their children individually.

After this, appointments are usually attended by both parents, where setting and prioritising goals for the couple, setting and establishing boundaries, and methods and boundaries around communication post-split are worked on.

It can also include sessions with the child or children involved.

“Children bring up issues for the couple that they need to resolve in the child’s best interests,” says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.

“For example, they might be grieving the loss of the relationship and actively try and get the parents back together. One or the other might refuse to go to the other house. This can play into the couple’s issues.”

For Beth, whose therapy only involved her and her ex-husband, the psychologist began their first joint session by having them write out a list of areas that they wanted to improve.

“We both agreed communication needed to be improved … And I wanted to work on setting boundaries,” she says.

Communication is probably one of the big sticking points in navigating a separation with children, adds Green-Arndt. “People don’t know how they want to communicate, and communication causes a lot of stress.”

One suggestion Beth and her ex-husband found particularly helpful was to use a co-parenting app that streamlines communication in one central place.

“Apps such as CoOperate or Our Family Wizard offer a variety of benefits including shared calendars so that arrangements for care of children or changes to arrangements can be negotiated through the app,” says Green-Arndt.

Beth and her ex-partner’s therapist also suggested a common co-parenting communication strategy – to communicate in a polite, business-like way. “These things helped take the sting out and calm our relationship down,” Beth says.

Communication issues are one of the biggest things worked on in co-parenting therapy.Credit: iStock

For North Sydney-based Daniel and Stephanie, who separated in 2022 due to irreconcilable differences, opposing parenting styles created conflict and hampered their ability to co-parent effectively.

“Once our relationship began to dissolve and especially once we’d separated, when we were under so much stress, our parenting styles just clashed and so did we,” Stephanie says.

Noticing how the conflict was impacting their three children aged 12, nine and six, Daniel and Stephanie realised they needed professional support.

“A friend of mine who’d done co-parenting therapy with her ex-husband and found it beneficial suggested it to me,” Stephanie says.

“I then mentioned it to Daniel who agreed it was worth a shot so we booked in with a therapist at the same clinic about four months after we separated.”

Broaching co-parenting therapy with your ex isn’t always straightforward, says Green-Arndt, who suggests focusing on your child, and avoiding blame throughout the process.

“It may be useful to provide some options on who you could use, and suggest a trial of say three sessions,” she adds.

Stephanie and Daniel’s first five joint sessions were conducted fortnightly. They helped them establish a clear communication plan and develop effective strategies to co-parent with different personalities and parenting styles.

“It helped reduce the conflict,” explains Stephanie.

This is one of the greatest benefits of co-parenting therapy, says Green-Arndt, “It is most useful for parents who have frequent disputes, and different parenting styles … It helps by upskilling communication skills and discussions around their shared hopes and values that they want to raise their kids with.”

In subsequent months, Stephanie and Daniel utilised the support and strategies provided to navigate the adjustments and major changes to their family, including their children’s living arrangements over two houses.

“This common issue can require some clear roles being defined so that everyone stays in their lane, and boundaries aren’t overstepped so that there is no set recommended period for co-parents to take part in,” Green-Arndt says.

While Stephanie and Daniel participated in monthly sessions over the next year, there is no recommended amount of sessions to undertake.

“It may be one to three sessions initially, depending on the scale of what is needed, and the degree to which the couple experience it as helpful,” Shaw says. “They may then dip back in and out from time to time as issues arise.”

For Beth and her ex-husband, it is the latter.

“My ex-husband told me a week or so ago that he is seeing someone … we’ve made an appointment with our therapist to work out how to handle introducing her,” she says.

“Maybe one day we won’t need help from an outside person, but we are not there yet.”

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