Boundaries or ultimatums? How therapy-speak changed the language of relationships

When did we all start talking to each other like therapists? From gaslighting to love bombing, to “holding space” for some friends while protecting ourselves from “toxic” others, therapy-speak has changed the way we discuss our most intimate relationships.

An umbrella term for any kind of psychological phrasing, therapy-speak is not a new concept. But it certainly feels like it’s becoming harder to escape. The #therapy tag on TikTok has 16.3 billion views, while Drew Barrymore sits cross-legged with famous guests on her talk show couch, getting vulnerable. But recently, there have been more conversations around the downsides of therapy-speak.

Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady in 2021. Credit: Getty Images

Actor and comedian Jonah Hill is the latest person accused of deploying therapy-speak in their relationship. Earlier this week, Hill’s former partner, pro-surfer Sarah Brady, took to Instagram to share a series of alleged text messages between the couple while they were dating.

In one exchange, Hill is said to have written that “surfing with men”, “posting pictures of yourself in a bathing suit” and “friendships with women who are in unstable places” are among the things he deems unacceptable behaviour for Brady.

The text shared by Brady ends with the lines: “If these things bring you to a place of happiness I support it and there will be no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for romantic partnership” and “My boundaries with you based on the ways these actions have hurt our trust”.

Hill – who directed the 2022 documentary Stutz, featuring a series of candid conversations between the actor and his psychiatrist – is no stranger to therapy. Nor are many people today. But the response surrounding Hill’s alleged messages has fuelled further discussions across social media about the use and misuse of therapy-speak in our relationships.

A series of text messages actor Jonah Hill allegedly sent to his former partner Sarah Brady.Credit: Instagram/@sarahhbrady

What is a ‘boundary’?

Lucille Shackleton, an accredited counsellor and behavioural scientist from Sydney, says that boundaries can often be confused with ultimatums.

“An ultimatum is more coercive,” she explains. “It’s saying, ‘If you do this, then I will break up with you and that’s my boundary’, but that’s not actually a boundary.

“When boundaries are fuelled by entitlement and unreasonable standards and expectations, they’re not really healthy boundaries – they become unhealthy ultimatums that are more coercive and manipulative.”

Boundaries, on the other hand, are a request rather than a demand. “If you’re having an argument, a boundary might be that ‘OK, if I start to get emotionally overwhelmed, we’re going to take 10 minutes and cool down before we come back together’.

“I think that’s where the difference is – a healthy boundary in a healthy relationship is not taking away the rights of the other person,” she says.

Sean Connaughton, a couples therapist and coaching psychologist at The Mind Room in Melbourne, adds that control can include boundaries – just in an unhealthy way – which is why it can be hard to distinguish between the two. “Broadly speaking, boundaries outline what someone is willing to accept and not accept in a situation. Control is the use of boundaries as means to take away autonomy.”

How to talk about boundaries

Both Shackleton and Connaughton recommend asking yourself a few questions before setting a boundary with a partner. These include:

• What is the purpose of this boundary?
• What do I hope to achieve by setting it?
• Is it fair and reasonable?
• Is it going to negatively impact my partner in some way or take away some of their rights?
• Is it coming from a place of my own insecurity or do I think it will help our relationship?

Connaughton emphasises that the most important thing about boundary-setting is that it’s done collaboratively, and to remember that boundaries can evolve over time.

Common therapy-speak terms and what they actually mean

• Gaslighting: A form of manipulation where one person is trying to create a sense of doubt, uncertainty and confusion in another person, usually in order to control them.
• Love bombing: Often occurs at the start of a relationship, when one person will overwhelm the other with gifts, compliments and exaggerated displays of affection. The intent behind this behaviour is not always good, and is usually a means of establishing control. 
• Narcissism: Often incorrectly used to describe people who engage in selfish behaviour, narcissism is a diagnostic term used to describe a complex set of behaviours. According to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissistic traits include a sense of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy.
• Emotional labour: The emotional effort required to maintain a relationship and the emotional hurdles that someone has to jump through to keep a relationship steady and in a good place. 

What we get wrong about therapy-speak

“We need to remember that we use these words to describe psychological concepts and behaviours,” says Shackleton of the role of therapy-speak.

She adds that since anyone can claim to be a therapy expert on social media, it can be easy to misuse these terms.

For Connaughton, the rise of therapy-speak is part of a broader movement where people are becoming more curious about psychological challenges and how to solve them, which he believes is a good thing.

However, he caveats this by saying that therapy-speak is only useful to the extent that it facilitates a productive conversation – not if it’s used as a weapon or a way to push blame away from oneself.

“It can be intimidating for someone on the other end. If someone isn’t aware of or sure of the exact definitions, this language can implicitly lead a person to saying yes to something they may not want to.”

Shackleton and Connaughton both say that ultimately, it is usually more useful to simply describe the behaviour you’re seeing – or want to see – and focus on the emotions it provokes, than to rely on therapy-speak.

“It makes it more human and more real,” says Shackleton.

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