Are different political opinions a relationship deal-breaker?

In a surprising move, former US First Lady Melania Trump recently declared her support for abortion rights, breaking rank with her husband’s staunchly pro-life views and policies. Confused observers were left wondering how the Trumps can maintain opposing political beliefs.

Navigating political differences in personal relationships can be challenging, especially during key events such as elections and holiday celebrations. While all relationships require compromise, should our political views be up for negotiation?

Relationships can survive a political divide, so long as it doesn’t force one partner to compromise on their values.Credit: Dionne Gain

Are different political opinions a deal-breaker?

The dynamics of politically cross-cutting relationships were part of a study released earlier this year by Dr Emily Van Duyn, associate professor of political communication at the University of Illinois.

Van Duyn found evidence that political ideology is related to morals and values, with different ideologies emphasising certain morals over others.

“This divide in values prompted many differences that were insurmountable, like concerns over whether their partner was a ‘good’ person,” Van Duyn says. “Political incompatibility could also be insurmountable when it caused conflict that was persistent, unhealthy, or unresolved.”

Melania Trump shocked the world when she announced her pro-choice stance on abortion.Credit: AP

It’s not all bad news. When conflicts and disagreements arose, so did an opportunity for recognition and discussion of those differences.

Van Duyn calls this process “negotiated exposure”, and, in some cases she observed, it strengthened a relationship. In others, it caused individuals to become more insular and engage in less conversation with their partner, triggering anxiety and bolstering the strength of their own political beliefs.

Lucy Banks with her partner at home in Byford, Perth. Credit: Ross Swanborough

Lucy Banks has been with her partner for two years and says that navigating their opposing political opinions has been a challenge. She is progressive and a fierce feminist, while her partner is much more conservative and has expressed support for Donald Trump.

Early in their relationship Banks struggled to reconcile that their values aligned, while their politics didn’t. It challenged many of her assumptions about romantic relationships.

“There were times conversations got so heated that one of us would have to walk away or leave the room,” Banks says. “I think it initially brought up red flags for each of us.”

Since establishing ground rules for navigating conflict, their differences have provided opportunities to set a positive example of healthy communication for Banks’ teenage son.

“We don’t avoid discussing our differences, and if it comes up, we talk about it. He’s got a heart of gold and wants the best for people, and that’s why he takes an interest in politics. He just sees things differently because he’s walked a different path, but we both have the same values.”

Banks’ experience is indicative of a wider trend in Australia. According to a study by Flinders University, more people are willing to date outside their political alignments than they were 25 years ago.

The study found that Australian women have been steadily shifting to the political left for some time, with the Coalition in the 2022 federal election receiving the lowest share of the women’s vote in history. While women shift to the left, men’s political views remain stagnant.

The growing political divide

Politically mismatched relationships could become more common if political views continue down divergent gendered paths. In the US, 30 per cent of people are in romantic relationships with people who do not share their political views.

While this dynamic can work, a partner’s political views can have real-life implications on gender role expectations, the division of domestic labour, child-rearing responsibilities, and financial decision-making.

Hannah*, a 24-year-old psychology graduate from Sydney, has experienced friendship and relationship breakdowns because of political differences.

“I had a slow falling-out with multiple male friends because they tended to be a little bit more right leaning or socially conservative,” she says.

She broke up with her ex-boyfriend for similar reasons, with his remarks about her queer friends driving a wedge between them.

“If you’re constantly a little bit uncomfortable walking away from hanging out with your partner or close friends, it just grinds on the relationship over time, and that’s been my experience.”

To avoid these scenarios, psychotherapist and marriage counsellor Dr Melissa Ferrari encourages conversations about expectations early in a relationship. This will reveal whether a potential partner sees you as their equal.

Ferrari says we need to remember we aren’t friends or partners with people because of their politics, but because we love who they are. Keeping this at the fore of conflicts – instead of leading with pride or your ego – is the most important step.

“Something people don’t realise is that the need to be right can compete with a relationship.”

* Not her real name.

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