You don’t have to leave your home to make the most of your holiday

Some people, I hear, have been enjoying a staycation – spending the summer holidays staying in their own home, with all the pleasures of the big city.

Fair enough, but is it really an authentic summer holiday? Luckily, with this cut-out-and-keep guide, you can make your staycation almost as good as a week in a genuine coastal town.

To achieve the authentic feel, you should start your holiday by sitting in your car for five hours, the driver forbidding anyone from leaving the car, however piteous their wails of “I need a wee”, or “Daddy, I’m hungry.”

You’ll need to have made your house feel like genuine holiday accommodation.Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

In the hunt for verisimilitude, it would also be good if you could engineer a speeding fine, including double demerits, and locate a traffic jam in which you remain stationary for two hours.

Once you “arrive”, you’ll need to have made your house feel like genuine holiday accommodation, which means first choosing the sort of accommodation you’d like to emulate.

If it’s a caravan park, make sure to introduce a good dose of tinea into your shower recess, fill the beds with sand, and, somewhere nearby, install a teenager with whom your own teenager can fall in love (safe in the knowledge they will soon be 500 kilometres apart).

Take a few random possessions from your home and place them in a locked cupboard with the forbidding notice “Owner Access Only”.

A faint smell of sewage, if it can be somehow achieved, will only add to the authenticity.

Some people don’t like caravan parks, and you may prefer pretending your holiday is in an upmarket Airbnb. Luckily, these are also easy to emulate.

First of all, install a combination lock on your front door, the combination for which will prove incorrect. As will the phone number provided “in case of emergency”. Only after a four-hour wait, guessing the combination, should you gain entry.

Once inside “your Airbnb”, the trick is to cover the walls with demanding signs, threatening fines if the kitchen is not left spotless, the bin is not put out on time, and the sheets are not placed in the laundry.

For an authentic feel, start your holiday by sitting in your car for five hours.Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

An even larger sign, in block capitals, should threaten all manner of retribution if there’s evidence of your dog being allowed inside. (Even when Airbnb say “dog friendly” it usually means the owner is “friendly” to the idea of having your dog chained to the back fence for all of your visit.)

Or – here’s a third option - perhaps you’d rather trick up your home as a traditional coastal rental, available from the local real estate agent, one week at a time, Saturday-to-Saturday. To get in the mood, you’ll need to pay yourself a fifty-per cent deposit six months in advance.

Then, before you “arrive” for your “stay”, remember to lock away most of your pots and pans, leaving two small, battered saucepans and a frypan with a broken handle. Why would anyone need any further cookware? After all, in the cause of realism, you’ll have disconnected two of the four hotplates on your stovetop and broken the dial on your oven.

Also: make sure you take a few random possessions from your home and place them in a locked cupboard with the forbidding notice “Owner Access Only”. No one ever knows what’s inside these locked treasure troves, but it’s an important part of the traditional Australian holiday, just imagining the delights that lie within. A big screen TV? A cooling fan? A pot big enough to cook at least one serve of pasta? Who knows, but with a lock this big, there must be something good.

Accommodation aside, how else can you make a week at home seem like a genuine coastal holiday?

First up, make sure dining options are severely limited. Certainly ignore the big-city joints you normally visit. For the essential coastal feel, you’ll need to find an Indian restaurant operated by a Chinese family, or a Chinese restaurant operated by an Indian family. Or you could try the local club, where the only available bookings for dinner are at 4.30pm or 9.45pm. Or there’s the takeaway shop that’s so overwhelmed the owner – just as you are about to order - has put a “Business For Sale: Any Genuine Offer Welcome” sign in the front window.

Talking of food and other supplies, the coastal supermarket has always sold out of eggs, toilet paper and Aerogard – the manager taken by surprise by the uptick in demand, in just the same way as he’s been surprised since he first took the job in 1983.

To enjoy the holiday vibe, just remember to clear your house of all these items before your staycation even begins.

Also, you’ll want to make sure everyone achieves a nasty case of sunburn on the first day. It’s not a genuine coastal holiday, without the whiff of five kids covered head to foot in chamomile lotion, and the sound of a father sobbing quietly on the couch. You should also remember to buy 21 children’s hats, as you will lose three a day for the duration of your stay.

All in all, you are going to have a great time on your staycation – almost as good as the people who can afford a real coastal holiday.

Just remember your holiday must end exactly as it began: stuck in the car for five hours, dreaming of summer fun.

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