Seriously, some things you just shouldn’t do in a string bikini

The young woman wearing dental floss for swimmers who bent over to pick up the car keys she’d dropped while lining up to pay for petrol made me ponder a few things. First, it reminded me of the age-old question of how far from the beach is too far to wear only swimmers? The ATM? The supermarket? My view is as soon as you get to whatever transport brought you to the beach. But looking at the growing number of bottoms lined up for a lunchtime Guzman, I feel I may be in the minority on this.

Marija ErcegovacCredit:

Second, it reminded me of the Seinfeld episode when Jerry dates a nudist. Initially, he’s quite chuffed with the whole nudist vibe, but this soon wears off when he realises that commonplace actions such as coughing or squatting don’t look good when you’re naked. To prove his point, he strips off and fires up a belt sander – an action that the girlfriend finds repulsive, so she asks him to put some gear on.

With this in mind, and with summers getting hotter and swimmer bottoms getting smaller, it’s time to increase awareness around what activities you probably shouldn’t be doing when you’re wearing your little sister’s swimmers. Because, while everyone in Australia has the right to bare arse, not all actions are appreciated by those sitting on the beach next to you.

So here goes.

Picking things up: If you drop something, or you have a cranky toddler who needs a lift, throw a sarong on before you go into retrieval mode. There are times at the beach when I swear I see more of a person’s anatomy than their gynaecologist does.

Time your entry carefully when you enter and leave the water. I saw a girl in a g-string bikini get dumped on her way out of the surf recently and, let me tell you, a bare bum rolling across the shore like coastal tumbleweed is not the sort of thing you want to witness when you’re just about to tuck into lunch.

No, it didn’t shrink. That’s its full size. Credit: Alamy

Be mindful around rock pools. Great that you’re taking the kids to explore these tiny ecosystems, but bending over to peer into a small pond may very well provide a view of a starfish of a different kind.

Same goes for putting up any form of sunshade. Don’t get your gear off until the umbrella or cabana are set up. Digging a hole and doing the twist with an umbrella pole are actions equivalent to the belt sander. Also ensure the shade cover is firmly secured. A slo-mo run, Pamela Anderson-style, might look good in a barely-there cossie, but a panicky run after an escaped brolly that is trying to stab anyone in its path does not.

The dress code at my local beach cafe is “derriere”, which sounds fancy but just means that your bum doesn’t have to dress up for lunch. It’s a dress code that sometimes backfires. I had a hankering for a burger the other day, but 15 minutes standing behind a set of sandy buns sent that appetite scarpering for cover.

Am I being prudish about the nudish? I asked around. One expert thought tiny swimmers were revealing but not necessarily sexy. I think Jessica Biel and Victoria Beckham have proved this point by looking sexy and elegant at the same time in their one-piece costumes. Another said it used to be that a woman had to move her swimmers to see her bottom, whereas now she has to move her bottom to see her swimmers.

True that.

Writing this has made me realise I do have a bit of PTSD re the wedgie. I went to school with a bully whose specialty was the atomic wedgie. And yes, it was as bad as it sounds. So, the idea of spending a day at the beach with my swimmers up my crack is a bit triggering, but don’t let me stop you.

If you’ve had a wedgie-free childhood and are comfy and happy in a thong bikini, then go for it. Get some sun on those buns! Let it all hang out! Well, let most of it hang out. Just please be mindful of the rest of us left to pick up the pieces after you’ve bent over to pick up your towel.

Annemarie Fleming is a freelance writer and published author.