When did going to the shops become so awful?

I used to love the shops.

The shops were the great equaliser. Whether you’re king or pauper, we’re all the same scum under the halogen lights of the shop. We shuffle through the aisles, collect our little things, and pray that we aren’t seen by anyone we know. But if we do, it’s alright. They’ll understand. It’s the shops. We’re all the same at the shops.

When the heat of the summer started to bite, the shops were the refuge. It didn’t matter that we had no money to buy anything. We weren’t there to buy. We were there to wander around in the air-conditioning and pretend to look at things. We were going to the shops because it’s fun to go to the shops.

I used to look forward to a trip to the shops, but not any more.Credit: Bloomberg

But it’s not fun to go to the shops anymore.

The shops are mean now.

The shops have replaced the people with machines and the machines are filming your every move. The machines proudly show you that they’re filming you because that’s part of the point. You’re supposed to know you’re being watched. You’re supposed to feel uncomfortable. The shops posted over $1 billion in profits last year but want you to believe that it’s vitally important that they crack down on theft.

Why does theft occur? Well, partly it could be explained by the fact that food costs have increased by approximately 8 per cent on average, with even more dramatic spikes for certain items. But mostly it’s because we are bad and evil and we are trying to hurt the lovely shops. Why are we so cruel to the nice shops? Oh, for shame.

They tell you to put your bag in the bagging area. Then, when your bag hits the bagging area, the shop sets off an alarm.

There are robots patrolling the aisle of the shops. That sounds like an exaggeration but it isn’t, really. Certain shops now have robots wander up and down to clean the floor. Don’t worry, to make sure the robot isn’t scary they’ve added a little LED light face with a permanent smile. This used to be someone’s job but they didn’t have a permanent LED light smile and had unreasonable demands like a living wage so now the robot has the job.

The few people who are in the aisles are mostly there to collect items for the people who ordered online. They have to move at a lightning pace because the shops are locked in a grocery delivering speed war. They push the carts through the aisle, throwing items in as quickly as they can, trying to not get in trouble from the shop for taking a moment to catch their breath. They know if they don’t move fast enough, soon the shops will find a robot that can do this job, too.

The shops tell you to bring your bags. They tell you to put your bag in the bagging area. Then, when your bag hits the bagging area, the shop sets off an alarm. “What the hell is this!?” The machine asks. “What have you placed in my bagging area? You monster! You beast!”

An alarm rings.

“I need help!” the machine screams. “I need help!”

The last remaining worker is then dispatched to check that the bag you put in a bagging area is indeed a bag and you aren’t trying to trick the shops.

The machine then asks you to scan your items. This used to be someone’s job. It was many people’s first jobs, actually. Now, it’s the machine’s job. Well, really, it’s your job now. The machine just films you doing it. Then, if something doesn’t feel right to the machine, the machine will send up an alert.

“Thief! J’accuse!”

The last remaining worker will then stand beside you as you review the film footage of you scanning the items, to make sure you aren’t trying to get away with anything shifty. So, you stand there and you watch the instant replay of yourself scanning groceries like it’s a Captain’s Challenge on Friday night footy.

The footage is shot from a very unflattering angle, but never mind. There are up to 70 other CCTV cameras around the shops that probably got you from a better angle. Not to mention the body cameras on staff members, as if they’re in the LAPD. Together, these cameras would be able to recognise your face, your eyes, your voice, and the way you walk. It’s nice that the shop wants to get to know you so well, isn’t it? You might wonder what happens to the footage once the shop is done with it. The answer is simple: don’t worry about it, silly!

Finally, the machine asks you if you’re part of the rewards program. This is a fun little club the shop runs to know if you’re one of its best friends forever. The reward program promises great benefits for the small cost of tracking everything you buy. Sometimes, you will get a small discount for being a part of the best friends club. Not much, though. Not really enough to make a difference. If it did make a difference, the shops would change the rules on you so it costs more and rewards less. That’s just part of being a good best friend.

The shopping trip cost more than you can ever remember it costing before but that’s probably because the food is even better, or more filling, or perhaps because farmers are being so well compensated for providing it. There must be a good reason like that.

You are given a receipt so the shop can check one more time that you’re not a low-down dirty thief and you’re allowed to leave the store. You’d vow that you’d never go back but we all know that’s a lie. We don’t have a choice anymore. These are the shops and you have to go to the shops.

James Colley is the author of The Next Big Thing which will be published on January 30 (Pantera Press).

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