Calling Colesworth: Why we give names to our corporate overlords

A few weeks back, the head of Coles told Four Corners she had never heard the term “Colesworth,” the popular way of denoting the supermarket duopoly. This disappointed me. For decades, Australians have gone to the effort of inventing jokey titles for the corporations that rule our world, only to now find the bosses were not paying attention.

Is Gerry Harvey also not aware that, behind his back, many of us call his business “Hardly Normal”? Is James Packer aware of the thought that rises from a million motorists as we spot Crown Casino glinting in the distance: “Packer’s Pecker”?

We’ve long been annoyed that the two big supermarkets chains are in lockstep, we might as well let them know it.Credit: iStock

The term Colesworth has certainly been around at least since 1960 when the great Ross Campbell began using it in his columns for The Australian Woman’s Weekly. I’ve always assumed he coined it, although it may have grown from the great linguistic creativity of the Australian people.

After all, we have long been annoyed that the two big supermarket chains are usually in lockstep, using their dominance to minimise competition over both price and service.

Also, we have form when it comes to making up mocking titles for our corporate overlords. In decades past, the airline industry particularly excited our creativity. According to the collective wisdom, TAA always stood for “Try Another Airline”, while its competitor Ansett would be accompanied by the phrase “Chance it with Ansett”. Foreign-owned carriers did no better. BOAC stood for “Better on a Camel”; Delta was “Don’t Even Leave the Airport”, while Alitalia was code for “Always Late in Take-off; Always Late in Arrival.”

I know the “in” doesn’t really work, but you’ll just have to blame the collective wit of Australians long gone.

The contempt was turned up a notch when it came to car companies, mainly because of our need to criticise every marque than the one we happened to drive. Hence, Ford stood for “Fix or Repair Daily”, “Fast Only Rolling Downhill” or “First on Rubbish Dump”; while Holden was decoded as “Heaps of Loud Dangerous Engine Noises”, or derided by the phrase “Barely Holden together”.

Ford and Holden were the main recipients of our divided loyalties and the subject of many jokes beyond their names. My favourite: “Have you heard about the rear-window heater in the latest Ford? It’s to keep your hands warm when you push it.”

But I digress. Even imported vehicles were rewarded with nicknames. Jeep stood for “Just Empty Every Pocket,” Fiat was an acronym for “Fix It Again, Tony” (or sometimes “Found in a Tip”), while the name Lotus spelled out a warning: “Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.”

Why have we always put such effort into coining these terms? Partly, I think, it’s a refusal to be treated like mugs. We know these companies have invaded every part of our life, that they overcharge and under-deliver. The least we can do is reveal that we know what they’re up to.

Hence: KFC becomes “Kids Fattening Centre”, while McDonald’s, aside from the fond “Maccas”, is more harshly described either as “Rotten Ronnie’s” or, in its abbreviated form, as an acronym for “Most Articles Contain Copious Added Sugar.”

In other words: fast-food purveyors, we may occasionally attend your premises, but please understand we’re aware of your business model.

Sometimes, the abbreviation indicates a level of familiarity rather than contempt. So, the RSL is “the rissole”, with only a vague nod to the meals served in the restaurant. Pretension, though, is immediately called out. Call a nightclub “Flamingos”, as they did in Goulburn, and the locals will instantly rename it “The Dirty Bird”.

Why have we always put such effort into coining these terms? Partly, I think, it’s a refusal to be treated like mugs.

Do government instrumentalities also earn these sobriquets? Not often, although I do remember the DMR (the Department of Main Roads) being called “Delicate Men Resting” – a reference to the sometimes less-than-frenetic pace seen while stalled at some roadworks.

Are these nicknames always about criticising others and never ourselves? Strangely, it’s in the world of alcohol where some self-criticism emerges. “I’ll have a Kid’s Beer,” one might say when requesting a KB, an indication that you know it’s a bit sweet and best suited to a younger palate, but you still like the taste. Or more self-critical still: “I’ve stocked up for the party with some Visitor’s Beer”, a carton of VB being the sort of cheap option you might offer around while smuggling something fancy into your own hand.

Sometimes, the brand name is recruited not to attack the company but to comment on the behaviour of others. I cite this example from the Macquarie Book of Slang: “Cadbury n. Derogatory. A person who needs little alcohol to get drunk (from the phrase “a glass and a half” used in advertising Cadbury chocolate).”

Admittedly, I’ve never heard this one in the wild, even though I think it’s rather good. But I have heard “Colesworth”, and hope the boss of Coles now not only knows the word, but what we mean by it.

The two big supermarkets are indistinguishable, and it’s by intention. So, could we have a bit of competition sometime soon?

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