My colleagues got me a horrible birthday gift. Should I mention it?

My workplace makes a big thing of birthdays. Everyone pitches in for a present, and I’ve noticed that a lot of thought seems to go into them. It was my birthday last month, and I was looking forward to what my colleagues would get me.

The present related directly to my physical appearance, and it badly hurt my feelings, as it showed how my colleagues really viewed me. I left the building after the morning ‘party’ and had a long cry. I’ve tried to keep a stiff upper lip in front of the team, but I’m finding it harder and harder to hide my feelings. Should I mention it or try to let it go?

Illustration: John ShakespeareCredit:

Thanks for your email and for agreeing to change the wording so that it no longer mentioned what the present was. This was a very specific gift, and it would have been obvious who you were if anyone from your work read your question in its original form.

In my opinion, this present wasn’t just tactless – it was really quite bizarre. There are some things that simply don’t work as gifts; what you received is one of them. And the fact there was no explanatory note in the accompanying card (or mention of it at all during the ‘party’), makes it all the more weird.

In our email back-and-forth you mentioned that you worried your reaction was over the top. I doubt that’s the case at all. You have every reason to be shocked and upset by what you unwrapped. As you say, it says something unpleasant about how you’re perceived; it demonstrates both a superficiality and a presumptuousness in your colleagues.

You talked in our correspondence about now feeling a “heaviness” coming into work since your birthday, and no wonder. I think the extent of that heaviness comes (at least in part) from your understanding that this was a gift expressing how all of your team members view you.

I wonder if it might be helpful to determine whether this is really the case. I’m almost certain that it’s not. In fact, my guess is that multiple people would have questioned the gift idea - and maybe been entirely against it.

My advice is to proceed from here on the new assumption that this was not a unanimously applauded idea. I’m sure there are people at work who, until this debacle, you were friendly with or whose kindness you appreciated. You’re probably particularly disappointed in them; instead, perhaps reconsider their role in the purchase. And if you feel comfortable, ask them about it.

You don’t need to bare your soul if you don’t want to – certainly not to begin with.

This might still be an awkward discussion, however. And, yes, there’s a danger that as part of this conversation you may find yourself talking directly about the part of your appearance your colleagues seem fixated on. But that may be preferable to saying nothing and letting the matter hang in the air indefinitely like some foul, invisible but non-dispersible stench.

By talking to your colleagues, you may discover it was just a case of bad decision-making during a usually thoughtful gift-buying routine.Credit: istock photo

See how the discussion goes and, if it’s clear this person was ambivalent about – or even disliked – the gift, perhaps then disclose how insulting you found it. From there, you might try to find out how the decision was made, and who else might have had reservations. I’m not suggesting you create an us-versus-them battle – in fact just the opposite. By finding and working with a group of allies, you can more easily avoid the dramatic, all-in confrontation that I know you’re extremely eager to avoid.

I’m hoping what you discover is just a case of a bad decision and the breakdown of a usually thoughtful gift-buying routine. It would also be wonderful if, as part of your discussions, you helped make sure something like this never happens again.

If you find that there was a malicious motive behind the gift, I’d question whether this is a work environment you want to remain a part of. And if its objective was to ridicule your appearance, please remember that such an act may constitute bullying, especially if you find it begins to happen more frequently. And that can be grounds for a formal complaint.

Let us know how you go.

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