‘Your call is important to us’ and other lies you’ll hear if you ever get through

A superannuation consultant, a medical administrator and a barista walk into a bar. Sounds like the beginning of a joke, right? If only! For me, they all have something in common, and it’s not to entertain me while I’m drinking coffee in good health and financial security.

This unfortunate tale connects these vastly different vocations with what I can only describe as “assertive erroneousness” – a condition by which a provider of customer service, a supposed expert in their field, confidently and decisively provides their customer with information which is total bollocks.

“We’re just out of Waldorfs”. Basil Fawlty preferred to lie to customers than own up. Credit: BBC

I’m not here to tackle the much-maligned call centre about the time it takes to get through –“you are number 38 in our queue” – or the location of said centre. I am here to talk about the answers, the replies, the resolutions to queries I have sat so patiently waiting to be answered. Scratch that! I’m usually on hands-free and have been known to do an entire load of washing while waiting to speak to the “next available operator”.

I’ll start with the more first-world problems I’ve experienced when I enquired separately about coffee beans and movie tickets. Oh, I can sense what you’re thinking. Don’t think my mind didn’t go straight to a time when our choice was a jar of instant in the kitchen cupboard. But, in a world of choice – sometimes spoilt for it – I decided to start drinking decaf and did some research before ringing a local coffee shop, keen to calculate the carbon miles.

When the barista confidently told me their beans were sourced and decaffeinated in New Guinea, I could not help but point out that there are only a few countries in the world that decaffeinate beans and New Guinea is not one of them. Those beans – although from New Guinea – would have to take a trip to South America or Canada to be decaffeinated before they would be returned to Australia for him to sell. Would he like to try “Option B” or phone a friend?

Another who-the-hell-cares encounter came on a call to a cinema where, due to a hiccup with their website, I needed to purchase tickets over the phone. It was explained with the utmost authority that this wasn’t possible and I would need to come into their ticket office. I would have accepted that had I not experienced the same problem a week before where a different staff member happily transacted my tickets – over the phone!

Why do businesses treat their customers with contempt?Credit:

Hmm, what are we talking here? I have adrenal fatigue from too much caffeine and I got the crap seats at the movies. No senate inquiry necessary, I grant you. The stakes were higher, however, when my phone calls were more in the life and death category of “assertive erroneousness”.

Like the medical administrator who tried to tell me that NSW legislation was the reason I’d have to start again with another of their specialists because the guy I saw just once had moved overseas. That will be another $700 and redoing of all the tests, thank you. Bollocks!

Then there was the superannuation consultant who tried to tell me the power of attorney I have to look after my elderly father had to specifically list their policy number and details before I could make enquiries on his behalf. This is like a car hire company saying you can’t hire a Toyota sedan because your driver’s licence doesn’t list that model. Bollocks!

These last two examples were confident and helpful people, who could have left me walking away disappointed but conceding that’s just the way the system works. I despair for people who aren’t as caffeinated as I, or as willing to query, ring back, fact check, and write emails to all stakeholders until an answer that rings true is established.

I’m not a lawyer, legislator, medical expert, nor a specialist in the ticketing system of a major cinema chain, but I have an acutely attuned radar for when an answer is given to move me on regardless of accuracy. There is no shame in not knowing the answer to something. We all started without knowledge in whatever our chosen vocation is and had to ask and learn. Shame on you, though, for fobbing off your customers and not pursuing their query as you would if your own choice of coffee bean was at stake!

Jo Pybus is a freelance writer.