Paris Olympics opening ceremony ‘disappointing as a day-old croissant’

Paris completely disregarded opening ceremony criteria in a false start that should see them disqualified. James Weir joins the judging panel.

Le gall to fly in American singing sensation Lady Gaga. (Photo by Aris MESSINIS / AFP)

The Olympic opening ceremony in Paris had such promise but fans around the world were served up a show that was as disappointing as a day-old supermarket croissant.

The thing about these events? The host country needs to lean into its tacky stereotypes. We don’t want stylish and sophisticated. Non, non. We want trés lame.

The brief for the opening ceremony is simple: incorporate every obvious element about your culture until the whole shebang is more on the nose than a freshly cut wheel of camembert.

A singing, beheaded Marie Antoinette at the opening ceremony.

The Mona Lisa casually floating in the Seine.

Masked Man steals the show.

And do it all within the confines of a stadium facility where a Rock Eisteddfod is booked to perform the following weekend. Breaking tradition to sail the athletes on antique boats down the Seine? That’s just showing off.

Australia knows how to throw an opening ceremony. If we were the hosts this year, you better believe Schapelle Corby would’ve been winched into the stadium on a cable. Then Christine Anu and Kate Ceberano would’ve sauntered out from behind some prop surfboards to sing a medley of Slim Dusty songs, as per their contract with the government to perform at all events located within five kilometres of any Westfield.

An aerial view of the ceremony. (Photo by Lionel Bonaventure/AFP)

It’s all a huge warning for Australia when Brisbane hosts the Games in 2032. Maybe organisers should try going toe-to-toe with Paris by whizzing the athletes down their brown snake of a river on a couple of CityCats.

Over in Paris on Friday night, the city’s self-important cabaret needed to be more French than a croissant wearing a beret.

Where were the giant dancing papier-mâché Eiffel Towers?

As the athletes sailed past fans, they should’ve been tossing out tiny bottles of La Roche-Posay and cigarettes as a “So Frenchy So Chic” CD played over the sound system.

Waiters in blue-and-white stripe T-shirts should’ve been pouring Nescafé on tap at a nearby canteen.

Instead, Celine Dion, currently battling the debilitating Stiff Person Syndrome, was forced to literally unclench her body to perform.

The woman could’ve seized up and collapsed at any minute. True dedication, oui. But it’s simply lost on us. She’s too good for an occasion like this where, at best, the biggest celebrity in attendance should’ve been that old French grandpa that Mary-Kate Olsen was married to.

In the crowd, pop singer Ariana Grande sat as a star guest. Her name might sound French but we’re not fooled.

Lady Gaga. (Photo by Aris Messinis/AFP)

And then to have le gall to fly in American singing sensation Lady Gaga?

To paraphrase the singer’s own iconic quote: “There can be a million Parisians in a room but that still doesn’t make you French”.

Jazzing up your ceremony with random American pop stars is a clear violation of the rules and France should be disqualified from the entire Olympic Games.

Opening ceremonies are like an episode of Ready Steady Cook: there’s a limited set of ingredients and you just need to work with what you’ve got.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as Paris Olympics opening ceremony ‘disappointing as a day-old croissant’