Matty Johns’ guide to surviving Las Vegas as NRL 2024 season opener heads to the USA

Excitement is building ahead of the NRL’s 2024 season kick-off in Las Vegas. But, as rugby league fans begin booking their tickets, Matty Johns delivers a warning that only comes with experience.

It’s official, rugby league is headed to Vegas … about time I say! Already, thousands of NRL fans are booking flights and accommodation, to not only support the event, but to take in all that Vegas has on offer. And believe me, it’s a vast smorgasbord.

View Vegas like a trip to my old favourite restaurant, Sizzler (RIP). There’s everything from the succulent, to the disgusting, depending on your personal tastes.

Since 1996, I’ve enjoyed and endured four trips to Sin City, and feel it’s my duty to inform and warn NRL enthusiasts about what they may find if visiting for the first time.

Landing in Las Vegas is an event in itself. Picture: Getty Images

HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

The arrivals terminal in Vegas is, without a doubt, the happiest place on Earth. People are smiling, walking tall, wallets loaded, you can smell the optimism.

You get off the plane, you’re confronted with the punt, the terminal looking like the pokie room at Rooty Hill RSL.

Yet, even those dropping a quick $50 on the slappers are beaming. You’re in Vegas and will have plenty of time to win it back.

WORST BAR IN AMERICA

I’m an oddball. When I arrive in a city, I immediately jump on Google and try to locate the worst bar in town. I hit my only ever jackpot in Vegas during my second trip, when my search led me to the Double Down Saloon, which had just been awarded the title of ‘Worst bar in America.’

Growing up in the Hunter Valley, I’ve visited my fair share of rough joints, but this place is seriously disgusting. I was thrilled.

The Double Down Saloon is just as grim on the inside. Pictures: George Rose/Getty Images

As you enter, there’s a sign on the door, ‘Shut up and drink’.

The blackboard, behind the bar, lists tasty cocktails such as Ass Juice and Bacon Martini.

I decide to go for the Ass Juice. Upon ordering the bartender asked if I’d like the insurance. He explained, “If you pay the $20 insurance, we’ll clean up your spew. If not, it’s all yours.”

The Ass Juice was as advertised. Luckily I paid the $20.

Double Down Saloon – 4640 Paradise Rd Vegas.

THE HEART ATTACK GRILL

If you like servings of food so huge that you feel you’ve shaved six months off your life expectancy upon consumption, then this is your place.

It’s Disneyland for cholesterol.

It also doubles as a BDSM house. If you don’t finish your meal, and there’s no chance you will, your waitress will force you to bend over and repeatedly smack you on the backside with a large paddle.

Cop a whack if you don’t eat this at the Heart Attack Grill. (AP Photo/Matt York)

Luckily, my waitress was a sweet, middle-aged lady weighing no more than 50kg. But as I bent over the table, she suddenly transformed into Chris Gayle, and started hitting my arse for six after six. I still had the bruises when I arrived home to Sydney a week later.

Heart Attack Grill – 450 E Freemont St Vegas.

GRAND LET DOWN

On day three of our second trip in 2016, my wife Trish, in a desperate attempt to get me away from the tables and free drinks for a few hours, booked us a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon.

’Bored senseless’ - Skip the Grand Canyon. Picture: AFP

It’s known as one of the Wonders of the World, and I was bored senseless.

Spoiler – it’s a big hole in the ground.

If your mate or partner suggests a visit, shut them down immediately.

Grand Canyon, Grand Canyon … Outside of Vegas, somewhere.

HAIL, CAESAR

One of the most iconic hotel casinos is Caesar’s Palace. It’s hosted fights featuring legends like Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray Leonard, Robert Duran, Marvin Hagler, Julio Caesar Chavez and so on.

Give the Colosseum a miss.

With Trish being Italian, we’ve visited the old country on a few occasions. While the Colosseum in Rome is striking, and dripping in history, it lacks poker machines, free grog and buck’s parties.

For that reason, I put Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas, above anything Italy has to offer.

Caesar’s Palace – 3570 Las Vegas Blvd.

Caesars Palace Casino pool is the best to be. Picture: Istock

HITTING THE WALL

OK, here’s the warning. Your first few days in Vegas will be some of the most fun you’ve had in your life … But then …

For me, day four always marks an acute turning point. As a result of going ‘slightly’ too hard, the fourth day turns my heaven into hell.

The smell of the casinos, the bright lights, free drinks, the American couples in matching Hawaiian shirts … it’s just not that much fun anymore. With each passing day, my mood deteriorates.

By our third trip, Trish knew that three days was enough, and she had to get me out of the fire.

THE SADDEST PLACE ON EARTH

While the arrivals terminal is the happiest place on Earth, the departures at Vegas Airport is certainly the most miserable.

It smells of defeat.

In the arrivals, punters are tapping away on the slot machines with the glint of excitement in their eyes.

In the departures however, that glint is replaced with the foggy sense of desperation. People look unkempt, their clothes as crushed as their spirits. Friends sit in silence, couples argue.

The walk across the tarmac is the walk of shame. Yet you can’t wait to do it all again.

Viva Las Vegas.

2024 NRL season opener double header

Home teams: Sea Eagles, Roosters

Away teams: Broncos, Rabbitohs

Where: Allegiant Stadium, Las Vegas. Capacity: 65,000

When: March 2 (March 3, Sunday afternoon in Australia)

Originally published as Matty Johns’ guide to surviving Las Vegas as NRL 2024 season opener heads to the USA