AFLW 2021: North Melbourne skipper Emma Kearney and St Kilda co-captain Kate Shierlaw open up on their love, life together and footy
Every relationship has its challenges, but most couples aren’t heated rivals on the footy field. AFLW captains Emma Kearney and Kate Shierlaw open up about their relationship.
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On the surface and within their sacred privacy, the romance between Emma Kearney and Kate Shierlaw is near enough perfect.
What’s not to like: Footy. Love. Footy. Sex. Footy. A Golden Retriever named Archie. And both of them captains of their AFLW sides. The competitive, trash-talking, trail-blazing superstar Emma at North Melbourne and the committed, footy-obsessed and late-blooming Kate at St Kilda.
Emma laughed at the scene setter.
“Yeah, that’s fair,’’ she said.
Kate: “I love it.”
Sunday is a monumental day.
Before lining up as opposing captains when they clash at Arden St, they have decided to go full public about their three-and-a-half year relationship, a decision, especially for emotionally-charged Kate, draped in anxiety and perhaps a tinge of fear.
Together, on a glorious sunny morning in a park near Arden St, they were ready to share their life stories on Pride Round.
“I was a bit hesitant at first but it’s a special weekend,’’ Kate said.
Even for Emma, who has been “out” for a decade, opening up was not a formality.
In their blissful lives, love and acceptance abounds.
But to get this point hasn’t been without its provocation, both internally and, they say, from the rest of society.
“I’m still not 100 per cent comfortable being out,’’ Emma said. ‘’That’s partly my own thing, but it’s also about society and the homophobia which still exists.
“Doing this interview is huge.
“I don’t generally talk about my sexuality. There will still be people I meet for the first time, where I still refer to Kate as ‘my friend’.
“I’m still not comfortable with people I don’t know to say ‘my partner’. I’ve gotten better and maybe this article will help me with that.”
EMMA
Emma is 31.
She grew up in Cavendish, near Hamilton. Mum and dad owned a 660-acre farm carrying about 3000 sheep and Emma talks of mustering the animals on motorbike on school holidays.
A footy and cricket fanatic, the first feeling she was gay captured her when she was about 15.
“Even then I was in massive denial,’’ she said.
‘’It’s funny because my mum’s two sisters are gay, my older brother is gay, but for me, there was part of me saying, ‘Oh no, no I don’t think that’s me.
“I always felt different growing up. I never felt I was amongst people who were similar to me. I had friends who were really into sport but not to the level I loved it. I was the only girl growing up who loved my footy and loved my cricket.’’
In another time, she would’ve been called a tomboy.
“Yeah, but I don’t think that had anything to do with my sexuality because I still have heaps of straight friends,’’ she said.
At 20, and studying teaching in Ballarat, she told mum she was gay.
It wasn’t a inauguration-type announcement, all marching bands and clarinets, mind you, she told mum as the two of them were in queue at Subway in Hamilton.
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“I knew mum would be, yeah, whatever, which she was. I had just ended a relationship at this stage and it was real. Yes, I am actually gay. So, I had to tell her. I said I’ve got something to tell you and I was quiet emotional. I said: ‘I’m gay.’’ And mum said: ‘’I already knew that.’’ I got really emotional saying those words. There was a bit of relief because I knew I could be myself around my parents. There was part of me hiding myself from them.’’
At uni, Emma had been intimate with guys, but something was amiss, she said. Her first dalliance with a female was nervy but “felt right”.
‘’There’s always a little bit of nerves, whether you’re losing your virginity or entering into a new relationship, but for me it felt natural and right.
“At uni, you’d be with guys, but it didn’t feel right. They were causal relationships, there was nothing really in them. They weren’t emotional. That was the point where I thought there was something wrong here.
“I still look at men and have that attraction and I probably have that attraction to men more than I would have for women, but that emotional connection, I just don’t have.’’
She looks at Kate. “Were you the same?”
Kate answered yes.
KATE
Kate is 31. Sunday is more than monumental for her, evident by the tears she sheds as she tells her story from being a stereotypical young woman to being proud of her sexuality today.
“I’m getting very emotional and when she’s talking, I just start thinking about my stuff.’’
My stuff?
“I’m a little different, I was in a long-term relationship with a guy (seven years) and I’m from Adelaide.”
Kate is tall and athletic. She ran athletics and played basketball and in conservative Adelaide, she tried to fit in. She always felt she was in a vortex of expectation. Like, at Christmas, always being asked when she was getting married, or when she was having kids.
She attended a public primary school and then Wilderness High School from Year 7-12.
“I just did what everyone else did,’’ she said. ‘’I was happy enough, I was in a relationship with a guy, it was fine, but that ended because we were at different points in our life.
“I loved sport, like, I was a tomboy. And I’d always wear the dresses and the heels when I went out because that’s what girls did. I was most comfortable in my sports clothes and daggy clothes around the house, but when I was catching up with my friends, I would dress up because that’s just what you do.’’
After splitting with the boy, Kate moved to London. She was 27.
She wasn’t gay to her mind. ‘’I had a lot of close girlfriends, but it just wasn’t what you do. I didn’t know anyone who was gay, I didn’t have any gay friends.
“Moving to London opens your eyes to a lot of things. I met a few people who were gay and proud to be gay.
“Slowly, things fell into place. There wasn’t much physical, it was more emotional and I was scared. There wasn’t much physical because I was petrified. But the emotional side was definitely there.”
In London, she worked as an accountant and, as you do, bounced around the UK and Europe. And it was in London where she played her first game of footy. She met Lauren Spark, who now plays for the Bulldogs and, after 12 months abroad, it was Spark who helped Kate get a rookie spot at Carlton under Daniel Harford. It was a rapid-fire life change.
She played the 2017 and 2018 seasons at the Blues before being delisted because, it is thought, the Blues had too many talls.
She joined St Kilda’s VFL team under Peta Searle and, in a stunning turnaround, was named joint captain of the Saints this season.
INTIMACY, LOVE AND HOW IT ALL BEGAN
Kate and Emma met in 2016, when they both played for Melbourne Uni in the AFLW off-season.
Emma: “I was going through a break up when Kate arrived. I relied on Kate a little bit, to have someone to talk to about it, and I guess that’s when we got that connection between us and one thing led to another.’’
Their first moment of intimacy was both scary and fun.
Emma: “It’s different from relationship to relationship and individual to individual, but definitely sex between two women is quite personal. There’s that element of nervousness, that element of excitement as well.’’
Kate told close friends in Melbourne she was gay and then told mum, well, sort of.
Kate was taking Emma back to Adelaide for Christmas, so the cat was soon to be out of the bag.
“I sent her a message (text),’’ Kate said. “I’m good at expressing my feelings and emotions. I didn’t even say I’m gay. I said was I seeing someone, named Emma, and pretty much ended it then. I do not want to go into detail, I don’t want to have a conversation about it.
“My family have a met her, they love her, and it’s normal, but there’s no discussion about it. Mum and dad absolutely love her, they come here and stay with us.’’
In context, Emma is kind of a veteran gay, while Kate is four years ‘out’ and her story, her confidence, is a work in progress. It’s why Sunday is life changing for her.
“I feel really comfortable in Melbourne,’’ she said. “The people I know in footy, it’s really accepting and comfortable. I have no problems talking about being gay around all my friends. It’s my other life back in Adelaide, my high school friends, my family ….’’
She tears up.
“Right now, I’m really out of my comfort zone, obviously.
“But after this article I’m moving more to not caring … I’m probably already there.’’
Close, but not quite.
When they travel, they still don’t correct the occasional hotelier who assumes they are friends and gives them a room with two single rooms.
Emma is accepting of Kate’s vulnerabilities. “Big time,” she says. “Even I still sometimes refer to Kate as a friend. And I love Kate. I want her to be comfortable whether she has to hide a little bit about herself. She will grow and eventually become more accepting of who she is and society as a whole will grow as well.’’
Kate: “I’m only four years in, as opposed to 10. It still feels pretty fresh.’’
Still, Pride Week has revealed all and, in doing so, maybe will help others.
“It’s a pretty special weekend and I feel like it’s hard for me and hard for other girls and guys,” Kate said.
Emma: “There needs to be more good news stories. There’s so much hate in the world and if we can share our stories, and that can open the conversation for other young people who are not sure who their true identity is, then hopefully we can help them. It’s not going to be easy, but it does get better with time.’’
Kate: “You hear so many horror stories about parents cutting their kids off in response to them coming out. It’s terrifying. The more people who can come out and say it’s actually OK, the more families will be accepting as well.’’
THEIR LEGENDARY ON-FIELD MOMENT
The two of them have lived together in Maribyrnong for two years.
When they wake up Sunday, they’ll forsake their usual pre-game banter and drive to Arden St in separate cars.
They’ll next see each other when they toss the coin.
They’ve played against each other before, of course, and one incident between them is legendary.
It was Pride Round, 2018. Kate was Carlton and Emma at the Bulldogs and it was known among teammates they were seeing each other.
That didn’t stop Kate barrelling into Emma, nor did it stop Emma’s white-line craziness in response.
Kate: “She was sitting under the ball, I led out from the square, I got there a little late, we both fell on the ground, she got up, came over and pointed in my face and said” ‘You’re a f…ing dog’.’’
Emma: “She didn’t speak to me for a week.”
Kate: “It was quite upsetting and then people were speaking about it. I remember Darcy Vescio was on the mark, Sarah Hosking was around and everyone I think was in shock because no one got into her. Darce couldn’t believe the reaction.’’
Emma is a Hall of Famer with the verbal. “If you don’t know her and you were playing against her, you would hate her,’’ Kate said. “Then they meet her and they realise she is so quiet. I’m quite strong on verbal too, but I tell her she doesn’t need it in her game. Now she’s older and captain, she’s got be better than that.’’
Emma didn’t disagree, but at the same time, and with a devilish look, didn’t nod her head in agreement, either.
Perhaps the proof will be in the talking Sunday at Arden St.
Originally published as AFLW 2021: North Melbourne skipper Emma Kearney and St Kilda co-captain Kate Shierlaw open up on their love, life together and footy
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