The QC, the mojitos and the phantom: Inside Tim Smith’s disastrous night

The Kew MP was allegedly “stonkered up to the eyeballs” when he made the ill-fated decision to get behind the wheel. This is how his evening played out.

It’s called “ghosting” or “doing a runner” and the English have been calling it taking “French leave” since 1751.

The French have been referring to “filer à l’anglaise,” or “running away English style,” since at least the late 1800s.

In Spanish “despedirse a la francesa” is to go without saying good bye.

In the US it was “the Irish goodbye,” when someone ducked out of a party without bidding farewell.

Tim Smith with his current boss Matthew Guy and Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg.

Even Judas bounced out of the Last Supper early.

Sneaking out from a party is “doing a phantom” and means no awkward, lurching farewells while talking with a plaited tongue.

Which takes us to Melbourne’s leafy ‘burbs to society silk Stuart Wood’s home on that fateful Derby Day night when Liberal MP Tim Smith decided to quietly slip away after one too many Cuban-style mojitos.

First we were told it was only a couple of wines on an empty stomach, while out er, having dinner. This doublespeak was later updated to a “few glasses of wine.”

To be fair, waking up to a colossal grey cloud of cringe, is the worst of all hangovers, and can come with a foggy memory.

But in Liberal Kew heartland, which has at least 300 plus party members, Smith’s antics have not become as demonised as one might think.

Stuart Wood, QC.

Tony Abbott and Tim Smith.

“Old white, rusted-on, double-breasted blazer wearing, gin-soaked toffs,” was one description of the inhabitants of the leafy electorate.

And that’s from one of their own!

“He has surrounded himself with a whole bunch of people for the last 10 years who told him he was the best thing since sliced bread,” said a Liberal party Kew branch member after a few too many on Oaks Day.

“That’s what gives him this God complex, where you think it is acceptable to drive home stonkered up to the eyeballs.”

Nothing like a bit of bloodletting when the ship starts leaking.

Who can forget former leader Michael O’Brien’s fateful Mornington bonding boat trip, which went down like the Titanic.

Matthew Guy has told Smith he doesn’t want him to stand at the next election after blowing more than double the limit and careering his car into a Hawthorn house on his way home.

He now finds himself tottering about on the decks of the good ship Kew, with one foot on the gang plank while hoping his federal comrades have enough, er, sway to keep him in the job.

Page 13 hears Jess Wilson, ironically a former adviser to Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, is topping a list of possible contenders.

The name of the once Young Liberal Party president and daughter of former Liberal MP Ron Wilson is being bandied about along with local councillor and police officer Felicity Sinfield.

Georgie Crozier is touted as a good fit, but like another contender, Matthew Bach, would have to step down from the Upper House. Neither returned Page 13’s calls.

Stuart Wood also did not return calls.

Next Friday’s closing date for nominations may be extended. But as we all know a week can be a lifetime in politics, especially when the bloodletting begins.

Originally published as The QC, the mojitos and the phantom: Inside Tim Smith’s disastrous night