Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

Many couples choose not to have children, but is staying childfree a deal-breaker when one partner suddenly changes their mind?

Deciding whether to have kids can be a challenge for some couples. Picture: iStock

Adulthood is stressful, but your relationship doesn’t need to be.

Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari has spent more than two decades guiding couples through some truly heartbreaking circumstances.

The Courier-Mail has enlisted Melissa to provide expert guidance on navigating tricky relationship situations and will be answering two reader-submitted questions per week.

Scroll down to ask Melissa your questions.

DEAR MELISSA:

My husband wants kids and I don’t. Before we got married we both agreed we didn’t want children but recently things have changed for him and now he wants kids. Is there any hope for us?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

As relationships evolve, so can our perspective on major decisions, which puts into focus agreements we may have had at the commencement of the relationship – such as whether we will or will not have children.

The danger is that when one partner's minds shift on these major decisions it can cause conflict and become a ‘dealbreaker’, that unless a compromise can be found places the relationship at great peril.

Before you get to that stage it is important to show some curiosity by exploring with your husband why he has changed his mind on wanting children, this also provides you with an opportunity to explain why you do not want children at this point in your life.

By better understanding how each other feels, you can then begin to negotiate a new agreement around children, perhaps something you can consider in time or if it is linked to your career, come to an agreement where your husband stays home with the children.

Melissa recommends couples talk through relationship issues prior to making any sudden decisions. Picture: iStock

In a relationship it is important for both couples to feel heard and listened to, as upset, resentment and potential conflict happens when one partner does not feel that they are in an equal and just relationship.

Through understanding each other’s perspective, you remain connected, and this opens the opportunity to reach a compromise that works for you both – relationships are challenging at times and successful relationships are all about negotiations and compromise.

If one partner simply puts their foot down and says ‘no’ then resentment will build, and it will ultimately become a great threat to (and possibly end) your relationship.

These steps are tough and if you are feeling that your relationship is at that ‘dealbreaker’ moment then get some help from a relationship counsellor you are both comfortable with, as that is your best chance of negotiating a compromise that works for the both of you.

DEAR MELISSA:

My girlfriend’s best male friend always acts weird around me I’m not sure I’ve done anything wrong. Is he just concerned he’s going to lose her as a friend, or do you think I should be worried?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

When we enter a relationship, we all need to contend with the ‘management of thirds’ and by that, I mean those people close to us, such as friends and family, who can have an impact positively and negatively on our relationship.

What is most important in dealing with ‘thirds’ is that we feel supported by our partner, that we always have each other’s back and will side with each other should any of these relationships become difficult or bumpy.

As Stan Tatkin describes in his book ‘Wired for Love’, this is how we create a secure and supportive relationship, a strong ‘couple bubble’ that will survive the challenges that being in a relationship presents.

It is not so much your friend’s behaviour that you need to concern yourself with, what’s more important is that you communicate with your girlfriend how you are feeling and why it is making you uncomfortable.

Do not do this in a confronting way and do not share how you are feeling directly to her friend, instead give your girlfriend the opportunity to be supportive of you and once she is aware of how uncomfortable you are feeling, then manage that external relationship.

Melissa says it’s important to communicate with your partner about tense situations with external relationships. Picture: iStock

This may be by limiting contact, or being watchful and checking in with you to make sure you are ok in that social setting and if need be, to step in to protect you, should they see that you are becoming uncomfortable.

When we meet people and come into their world there will always be challenging external relationships as those close to our new partner may be triggered by our arrival in their life and feel a need to be protective until they get to know us a little better.

This can be overcome by focusing on each other and communicating on how we are feeling and by always putting our relationship first, then if someone continues to challenge the relationship, you can then together make the decision to limit contact with that person.

Melissa Ferrari responds to two submissions from our readers per week. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS BELOW

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now