Joe Hildebrand explains what Jim Chalmers said and what he really meant in federal budget speech
Totally lost in Jimnomics? Fortunately our fiscal whisperer Joe Hildebrand has translated what the Treasurer said in his Budget speech and what he really meant. See the video.
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Well it’s Nerd Christmas in Canberra again but what about all the other poor Australians who don’t speak Budgetese?
Fortunately our resident fiscal whisperer Joe Hildebrand is on hand to translate what Treasurer Jim Chalmers said in his Budget speech and what he really meant …
WHAT HE SAID: “This Budget builds on the progress we’ve made, together.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “This isn’t the government’s Budget, it’s everybody’s Budget and so if you criticise us you’re actually criticising yourselves so let’s all just say how great we’re doing and leave it at that.”
WHAT HE SAID: “It’s a plan to help with the cost of living.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Campaign HQ says if I go two sentences without mentioning ‘cost of living’ they’re not going to give back my cat.”
WHAT HE SAID: “Our economy and our Budget are in better shape than they were three years ago. This progress has been exceptional, but not accidental.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Remember, when things go wrong it’s bad luck and circumstances beyond our control but when things start to go well again it’s the result of our outstanding economic management.”
WHAT HE SAID: “The credit belongs to Australians in every corner of our country.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Sorry! I meant YOUR outstanding economic management. Remember we all did this together so give yourselves a pat on the back and us one while you’re at it.”
WHAT HE SAID: “The global economy is volatile and unpredictable. The 2020s have already seen a global pandemic, global inflation and the threat of a global trade war.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Remember when Robin Williams hugged Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting and said ‘It’s not your fault’? That’s what I want you to do to me.”
WHAT HE SAID: “Ex-Tropical Cyclone Alfred could wipe 1⁄4 of a percentage point off quarterly growth. Storm clouds are gathering in the global economy too.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “I have randomly introduced a storm metaphor into the speech just so I could remind everybody about Cyclone Alfred, which is another thing that is totally not our fault.”
WHAT HE SAID: “We’re providing $1.3 billion for Closing The Gap and economic self-determination for First Nations Australians.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Remember that Indigenous Voice to parliament referendum? We’d really prefer you didn’t, which is why we’re going back to basics with practical service delivery and economic advancement and never speaking of it again.”
WHAT HE SAID: “Australia is well placed to respond to the five seismic changes shaping this new world of uncertainty … That’s what a Future Made in Australia is about.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “I have to mention ‘Future Made in Australia’ at least five times or Albo gets upset. The good part is that if the Coalition criticises any part of it we can say ‘Peter Dutton opposes a Future Made in Australia’ — which sounds great on the six o’clock news.
WHAT HE SAID: “It’s even more important and even more remarkable that Australia’s economy is turning the corner when we know the global economy is taking a turn for the worse.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Just another quick reminder in closing that the rest of the world is an economic hellhole we have no control over but every good thing that’s happened is thanks to our incredible wisdom and courage and stewardship.”
WHAT HE SAID: “Our progress and our prospects validate and vindicate the decisions and sacrifices we’ve made together.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Okay, granted we’ve made all the decisions while you’ve made all the sacrifices, but why split hairs?”
WHAT HE SAID: “The plan at the core of this Budget is about more than putting the worst behind us. It’s about seizing the best of what’s ahead of us.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Don’t think about where you are — and for the love of God don’t think about where you were. Instead, close your eyes and imagine a bountiful future of economic plenty and vote for us for delivering it to you.”
WHAT HE SAID: “Our plan for productivity growth doesn’t mean making Australians work longer for less.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “The Coalition’s plan for productivity growth does mean making Australians work longer for less.”
WHAT HE SAID: “We have invested an extra $50.3 billion in defence by the mid-2030s, to help keep Australians safe.”
WHAT HE MEANT: “Actually I meant exactly what I said there. I just failed to mention that what we’re trying to keep Australians safe from is Donald Trump.”
Originally published as Joe Hildebrand explains what Jim Chalmers said and what he really meant in federal budget speech
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