50 signs you may have Mango Madness
It’s that time of year again when Territorians go a bit troppo... Well, crazier than normal anyway. Here is a comprehensive list of the signs you may have Mango Madness. (Sneak peek example: #27. The NT News Facebook comments section starts to resemble intellectual conversation).
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IT’S that time of year again when Territorians start to go a bit troppo... Well, crazier than normal anyway.
The emergency rooms are chock-a-block with those who have succumbed to the pressure of the mounting humidity during the Build-Up, and makeshift homes are popping up in bottleshop cool rooms all over the Top End.
But what are the symptoms that you may be suffering from an onset of Mango Madness?
We’ve compiled a comprehensive list of the signs you may be due for a humidity-induced nervous breakdown.
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01. The only friends you have left work at the bottleshop.
02. Chafe. If you have it, it’s all you can think of. Chafe.
03. You no longer find it strange when you see men out in public wearing mankinis.
04. Donald Trump starts to seem like an intelligent choice as the right person to lead the free world again.
05. You voluntarily go to Casuarina Square during Christmas shopping month ... because, you know ... air-conditioning.
06. You start noticing condensation on your bum when you go to the toilet from the hot water in the bowl
07. You consider buying a pair of crocs because they look cool.
08. You go swimming with the “misunderstood” crocodiles, stingrays and box jellyfish to give them cuddles.
09. All important meetings are scheduled for the cool room at the bottleshop.
10. Bunnings cancels its sausage sizzle because of the extreme heat predictions.
11. Friendships, relationships and lives will be ended if someone breathes too loudly.
12. You save up $2 coins just so you can throw them at people who ask for money to catch a bus.
13. People keep commenting on your movie star looks. Thanks to how 1000 per cent humidity reacts with your hair, you’re suddenly the spitting image of the Lion King.
14. Going to the shops in nothing but your underwear seems perfectly normal.
15. Chafe! The thought of doing anything makes you cranky.
16. You begin considering moving down south.
17. The irritating ringtones of work colleagues send you into a homicidal rage.
18. You’d love to take a cold shower but only searing hot water comes out of both taps
19. You begin storing everything in the fridge - dry foods, washing powder, your underwear.
20. The thought of sitting on the leather lounge doing nothing makes you cranky because you know how hot the lounge will be.
21. You only read up to the #20 of this list because you can’t be bothered reading the rest.
22. You buy bags of ice in bulk so you can pour it in your underwear.
23. You take your iPhone in to be repaired because you think your touch screen is broken, only to be told that it’s not working because your finger tips are too sweaty.
24. You consider voting Greens, because global warming must be stopped. Right now.
25. You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and kill you.
26. Connecting an IV of alcohol to your arm becomes a good idea because holding a bottle is too much effort.
27. The NT News Facebook comments start to resemble intellectual conversations.
28. Walking five paces to the fridge for another beer no longer seems worth the effort.
29. Locating free air-conditioning is your main priority in life.
30. Many hours are spent contemplating just how much your daily sweat would amount to if you bottled it up, and if perhaps the cure for cancer is there.
31. You are living like a vampire, convinced the sun will literally melt you.
32. You break into a waterfall of sweat the instant you step outside the house at 7am.
33. Your idea of a good weekend is hanging out in the cheese aisle at the supermarket.
34. Did we mention ... Chafe!!!??
35. A bowl full of ice is considered a perfectly acceptable snack.
36. Hanging and showering with backpackers at East Point begins to seem like a good idea.
37. You sell your home and pack your bags to move into the cinema.
38. The television remote, the last piece of pizza or a breeze change results in World War III.
39. You are prepared to exceed the speed limit in order to transport your milk as quickly as possible from the supermarket fridge to your home fridge.
40. You keep sliding out of your thongs because foot sweat makes them too slippery to wear.
41. You know your bread will go mouldy if left on the bench for more than 10 seconds, but you can rarely muster the energy to put it in the fridge.
42. Beer seems to be a well-rounded meal.
43. Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered completely normal.
44. A power blackout is considered life-threatening because your air-con and your fans stop working.
45. Visiting a sauna seems like a good way to cool down.
46. You have perfected the art of eating a Paddlepop in under 10 seconds flat.
47. The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
48. Burning down your home seems like a better alternative to cleaning it.
49. Scalp sweat is now considered a hair-styling product.
50. Chafe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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■ HAVE we missed any obvious signs of Mango Madness on our list? Let us know what you think should be on it in the comments section below.
In the meantime, we’re off to the bottlo cold room to hang out for a bit ...
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