From Nelly Yoa to the Tinny Terrorists: Dumbest crooks of the year

Between their harebrained schemes, stupid scams and bumbling plots there isn’t a smooth criminal among them — our dumbest crooks of 2019.

NELLY YOA

Serial fame seeker and convicted liar Nelly Yoa rocked up to court in a bubblegum pink suit, rented Rolls Royce and entourage-for-hire, but claimed he didn’t want any attention.

Despite claiming the luxury car was a gift by way of his underworld “friend” Mick Gatto, it was later revealed the fraudster had caught the V-Line into the city and only picked up his flashy wheels – which he had hired – a stones throw from the courthouse.

Yoa, who a magistrate labelled a narcissist with delusions of grandeur, was sentenced to five months behind bars for lying to police, but was spared jail on appeal.

Nelly Yoa was all smiles until he was jailed for five months, but was ultimately spared jail on appeal.

He arrived at court in a hired limousine, with actors playing the part of his security posse.

AARON PURVES

The fake security guard who patrolled the Bourke St memorial wearing a ballistics vest and a loaded pistol was savaged by a judge not once, but twice for thumbing his nose at a court order.

After begging a judge to overturn his 12 month jail sentence, Purves was instead ordered to complete 400 hours of community service work.

But after nearly two years, the wannabe GI Joe had completed just eight hours.

Instead, he busied himself doing paid work, getting a girlfriend, buying a house and winning his footy club’s best and fairest medal.

He sobbed as he told a judge he was too injured to shovel tanbark for free.

Aaron Purves arriving for his day in court. Picture: Mark Stewart

TINNY TERRORISTS

Six bungling terror wannabes had high hopes of sailing to the Philippines from Australia’s northern shores.

Once there, they wanted to have a hand in overthrowing the government.

But the plot — which involved towing a 7m craft from Bendigo to launch it in Far North Queensland and then set sail to South East Asia — was so ridiculous it was later acknowledged the men could never have completed the sea voyage.

In fact, Supreme Court Justice Michael Croucher said ringleader Robert “Musa” Cerantonio’s “poorly planned venture was foredoomed to failure” as the novice boatmen’s “ill-suited vessel” would never have made it “past the breakers off far north of Queensland”.

The boat the tinny terrorists hoped to sail to the Philippines.

HAMZA ABBAS

When your lawyer stands up in court and calls you an idiot, there can be no escaping a top 10 dumbest crook list.

That’s exactly what happened to Hamza Abbas who was on trial for plotting a terror attack in Melbourne’s CBD.

In trying to hammer home her client’s innocence, top criminal barrister Felicity Gerry, QC, dubbed her client an “idiot”.

She later apologised, telling the jury the more correct term was “fishbrain”.

“I called him an idiot yesterday and I apologise for that,” Ms Gerry told the jury.

“It’s a rotten phrase and I shouldn’t have done it in trying to get the point across.

“The evidence is “fishbrain” that everybody agreed with.”

Abbas was ultimately convicted of terrorism offences.

Hamza Abbas (centre) arrives at the Supreme Court of Victoria during his long running trial.

SAM KUL

Bumbling drug runner Sam Kul would have done well to stay away from Google, particularly when trying to learn how to smuggle drugs,

Kul, 36, was nabbed by customs officers on his way from an overseas getaway with a female friend in April 2017 with almost 5kg of cocaine sewn into his carry-on luggage.

The desperate holiday-maker claimed to be surprised, but a phone search by sceptical officers uncovered his embarrassing schemes.

Search terms on his phone included: “Bringing a million dollars through airport”, “Does customs check every bag in Australia?” and “Can money be seen on airport scanners”.

The dopey drug mule had also searched “How to browse privately on Samsung”, but the damage was done.

Given his history as an airport security guard, Kul should have known better.

Kul was jailed for nine years.

The drugs Sam Kul tried to bring back into Australia, after asking Google how to get away with his amateur crime.

MICHELLE MERCEICA

If you’re going to stage a grand theft, doing it inside one of the city’s most watched venues is not a great idea.

In front of hundreds of travellers, and under the watch of dozens of CCTV cameras, Roberta Williams’ sister Michelle Merceica stole more than $23,000 worth of luggage from Melbourne Airport.

Over almost a year Merceica, 52, made seven trips to the airport, without a ticket to fly, for the sole purpose of nicking other people’s bags from domestic baggage carousels.

Police alleged she had stolen almost $50,000 worth of goods before a string of charges was withdrawn.

After pleading guilty to nine charges she was placed on a 12-month community corrections order, narrowly avoiding a sting behind bars.

Mercieca told reporters outside court after the sentencing that she understood why her victims would have been upset.

“For people that it happens to, of course I would have empathy for them,” she said.

Michelle Merceica outside court.

NARZZOULI TOGO

When Narzzouli Togo robbed a suburban grocery store he knew exactly where to go and what to do, he’d been there before.

In fact just the day before Togo had been nabbed for theft and possession of a weapon at the very same store.

But tossing the fine aside he got straight back on the horse the very next day, acting as a “lookout” for his girlfriend Heather and a third person to again rob the Doveton store.

Togo demanded cigarettes from two female employees, telling them someone at the store had promised to give him smokes the day before.

Togo was sentenced to three years in jail with a minimum of 18 months after pleading guilty to armed robbery.

Narzzouli Togo.

Togo was jailed for robbing a suburban FoodWorks.

HONO HEKE

A foul-mouthed fisherman with trouble controlling his temper spent more than a month behind bars for his potty mouth.

Hono Heke launched a barrage of swearing and threats at authorities, who he repeatedly called “dumb c__s”, on waters near Clifton Springs during a routine boat inspection.

Heke lost his cool after three fisheries officers approached a 7.5m cabin cruiser in the shipping channel near Clifton Springs with Heke, 52, and a woman aboard.

Heke threatened them with physical harm if they boarded his boat, and recordings caught him later ranting “I’ll have your guts, cuz” and “I’ll f- you in the port side”.

An experienced magistrate later commented: “I’ve never heard the term dumb c- so many times.”

Heke was jailed for 45 days for multiple counts of obstructing, hindering, intimidating, abusing, and insulting Fisheries officers.

SAS CREW

For years a gang of graffiti vandals, who called themselves Stopping All Stations (the SAS Crew), terrorised Melbourne train users and vandalised trains.

Sometimes stopping trains mid-journey they went to great efforts to conceal their identities.

But after completing the job their egos were too big, and they couldn’t help but boast about their graffiti attacks online, posting pictures and details of their work.

It was only a matter of time before police caught up with them.

Liam Cahill, 22, Adam Cooke, 25, Jordan Davis, 21, Mitchell Dunn, 22, Drew Neyland, 33, Kyle Wight, 24, and Miles Woodhead, 23 are now awaiting sentencing after pleading guilty to a raft of charges in the County Court.

And their graffiti fun could cost them big time, with authorities now demanding they repay a clean-up bill of more than $117,000.

The SAS crew made it their business to vandalise trains in disguise, but couldn’t help boasting about their crimes online which ultimately helped bring them down.

Originally published as From Nelly Yoa to the Tinny Terrorists: Dumbest crooks of the year