Federal Election: James Weir’s unauthorised Anthony Albanese tell-all

Who is the real Albo? James Weir parachutes into the Labor leader’s world and gets a candid look at the man behind the Harry Potter glasses.

When Scott Morrison kicked up the election war and succumbed to schoolyard name-calling by comparing Anthony Albanese to Harry Potter, the Opposition Leader could’ve responded by desperately distancing himself from the nerdy image. Instead, he embraced it.

Albo was standing on the basketball court at his Hogwarts-esque alma mater – St Mary’s Cathedral College, on the fringe of Sydney’s CBD – one Monday morning during the homestretch of his exhaustive campaign trail when, as if on cue, the 9am bell for first period chimed.

“The bell is tolling for the Morrison Government,” he said, partially quoting English metaphysical poet John Donne’s 1624 work, Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions.

Letting his lips creep up into a smirk, Harry Potter appeared pleased with the hyper-intellectual zing to his Liberal leader rival who, if he existed in JK Rowling’s universe, would probably be Draco’s tubby mate, Crabbe.

Anthony Albanese knows who he is and won’t shy away from it. ScoMo says he’s a nerd? He’ll celebrate it publicly. But privately, the cracks began to show.

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News.com.au observed the Opposition leader up close during his almost two-month campaign ahead of voters hitting the polls tomorrow. At times, the train appeared to careen off the tracks. Often it seemed like the train was never even on them to begin with. Despite hovering advisers trying to protect the leader during his most personal moments, news.com.au peered behind the Harry Potter glasses to get an uncensored glimpse of the real Anthony Albanese.

This is not a detailed biography of the man that could be Australia’s thirty-first Prime Minister. It is mere scribblings on the screen of an Etch A Sketch, with the knobs being twisted by a drunk toddler.

Anthony Albanese talks to students at his alma mater, Hogwarts.

After following both gentlemen, one insight suggests Mr Morrison is the more insecure man.

A news.com.au investigation into the leaders’ coffee orders revealed the Prime Minister is hiding behind smoke and mirrors. While on a campaign visit to an Adelaide coffee shop, he was put on the spot and asked to order a beverage. He stumbled and – after frantically weighing up how the coffee he’d be photographed holding could sway millions of undecided votes – requested a short black. Why? Because real men drink black coffee. And not regular-sized black coffee. Small cups of black coffee. Real men are too busy to wait around for a for a full-size black coffee to cool down. Days later, Mr Morrison’s own advisers told news.com.au the PM was actually a tea drinker.

And Albo? The man keeps it simple with a flat white. News.com.au watched on as he sipped a flattie at a suburban Melbourne cafe while holding a baby and talking to old people. You don’t get a better campaign moment than that.

The coffee order revealed everything we needed to know about the Opposition Leader: he’s a no-nonsense bloke who’s comfortable with who he is. Unlike ScoMo, he doesn’t need a performative coffee.

A premium campaign moment.

To understand Mr Albanese deeper, one must commit to the Harry Potter comparison that was introduced by his arch nemesis.

“Labor doesn’t have a plan to get their costs down. They think they have a magic pen … or … wand … they can (wave) around like Harry Potter,” Mr Morrison joked at a press conference while visiting a Lebanese bakery in west Sydney as the campaign raced past the halfway mark.

“You can’t run the economy like Harry Potter.”

While the insult was aimed at Mr Albanese, it was Mr Morrison who copped the biggest sting. The Prime Minister regularly attempted to create viral moments during press conferences by issuing colourful sledges at his rival, but he confused himself by venturing into the world of wizardry.

He attempted the insult just days later and, again, got mixed up as to whether Harry Potter would be armed with a magic pen or a magic wand. Intended to disparage the Opposition Leader and his new circular tortoiseshell spectacles, the diss only showed how out of touch the PM was. As if pens would be used at Hogwarts. Everyone knows they write with feathered quills.

The botched sledge could’ve been a win for Albanese. He even tried to rise above it. But the peculiar insult came after several weeks of flubs from the Labor leader. And it’s those missteps that forced him to utilise another Harry Potter accessory – the invisibility cloak.

Storm-offs and abrupt endings to press conferences turned him into the invisible man. And after being struck down with the coronavirus – a diagnosis that led to a week-long campaign hiatus – rumours started to surface about the opposition leader disappearing to take afternoon naps.

News.com.au regularly experienced early arvo knock-off times while on Albo’s bus.

Even in the final days of the campaign, Mr Albanese tried to disappear by sending his travelling media pack to Canberra while he flew off solo on his broomstick to marginal seats in Brisbane (until journalists revolted and insisted they follow him).

Why did he feel so confident to be MIA? Because he prefers his party to be seen as a team, unlike the Liberal Party, where Mr Morrison positions himself as the one-and-only man in charge.

Shadow Treasurer Jim Chalmers and senator Penny Wong are Albo’s Ron and Hermione. Tanya Plibersek is also in the gang but her character is yet to be determined. Maybe she can be Maggie Smith.

Harry, Ron and Hermione.

RELATED: Read James Weir’s unauthorised Scott Morrison tell-all

Anyway, the cracks began to show in the exhaustive campaign when Harry, Ron and Hermione were busted having a secret meeting in a mystical chamber. When news.com.au discovered the trio having a low-key dinner on a cold Melbourne evening, Mr Albanese was not wearing his Harry Potter spectacles.

Were Mr Morrison’s nerd insults taking their toll? Perhaps he had taken off his glasses during the entrée to show Ron and Hermione what he’d look like after undergoing emergency Lasik surgery.

Or perhaps it was proof that the Labor leader was all looks and no substance – with the spectacles actually being prop glasses all along.

While we’ll never have the answers before the votes are lodged, one thing is for certain: Mr Morrison should’ve thought twice before messing with Harry Potter.

Obviously, the Prime Minister is unaware of the Deathly Hallows.

Its three components? The Cloak of Invisibility, the Resurrection Stone. And the Elder Wand, which has the ability to destroy anyone.

Avada Kedavra!

Come the weekend, Mr Morrison may rue the day he ever called it a magic pen.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as Federal Election: James Weir’s unauthorised Anthony Albanese tell-all