Friendship: The adult challenge you, nor I, signed up for
Wanted: Lifelong allies – Adult friendships are no longer simple. Juggling schedules, commitments, and just hoping someone shows up. Cairns Post columnist Emma Cam explains.
Why is trying to make friends in your mid-season of life so incredibly dang hard? Honestly, it feels just as complicated as dating.
I’ve seen countless people share their friendship struggles online, and I hear the same thing in real life. We’re all perplexed.
Was it always this hard, or does adulthood just … ruin everything?
If you’re new to a town or workplace, you hope there’s someone nice to show you the ropes – so you don’t have to eat lunch alone every day.
Okay, let me explain.
We’re sizing each other up, scrolling profiles on friendship apps, checking if someone looks fun, interesting, and — let’s be honest — not cuter than you. Why, I have no clue.
But you know you do it, so don’t lie.
And if the vibes aren’t right? Ghosted. Instead of saying, “I don’t think we click,” people just vanish.
A few of my long time gal pals have even done that to me. Instead of owning it, some “friends” just find it easier to go full ghost mode.
But should I keep investing in friendships where honest, grown-up conversation isn’t possible? No.
Because honesty and integrity are pillars in life to me, and when it’s a friendship … to me it’s the biggest gut punch.
If you’ve been following my columns, you’ll know I’m a single 30-something: no kids, no house, no dog (and yes, that last one stings the most).
Meanwhile, most people in my life are busy parenting, house-buying, spouse-managing. How do they survive it all? Picture me clinging for dear life, like a shipwrecked princess on a piece of driftwood in a romance novel.
Honestly, these people often don’t have time to call, go on girls’ trips, or lately even congratulate you on your latest achievement.
Kids to wrangle, husbands to scold, chores that never end … I didn’t join your exclusive club, apparently.
Naturally, being a full-time friend is off the table for them.
But no one can say I’m not committed.
It’s just … a different level.
I’ve always been career-driven and mobile. Vancouver, Canada, for five years – permanent resident-level commitment, Sydney, and now Cairns.
While Canadians are genuinely the nicest people on earth. I made maybe three Canadian friends, the rest were expats, all of us clinging to connection like oxygen.
Returning to Sydney after Covid-19 I thought reconnecting would be like slipping into an old pair of shoes. Spoiler: it was more like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.
Friendships had shifted. We’d grown in wildly different directions, and forcing those “friendships” just didn’t fit anymore.
Moving so much means most relationships live on my phone, which, if you’re not a phone person (looking at you, ex-girlfriends), isn’t sustainable.
So yes, I, like many of you, am craving human connection. Give me face-to-face coffee over a “Hey, seen your story on Instagram” any day.
Single, living alone, you can go weeks without a hug. And hugs? Absolute favourite. The kind where your loved one (usually my mum) just has you. (I’m not crying. You’re crying!)
Regardless where you stand, community matters. Supposedly, it improves mental and physical health, maybe even longevity. But it’s not about quantity — it’s quality. Honestly, how many of us have friendships that actually count?
I know I’m not alone. A recent Cairns community Facebook post hit me in the heart:
“How do people actually make friends as an adult?”
Yes! Hoooooow do you? Meeting people is the easy part – it’s maintaining the friendships that’s hard.
It takes energy, commitment, time. Something we’re all … slowly losing.
The comments were brilliant.
“Been here three years and ya don’t. Work, family pretty much. Peace over drama anyway. People whinge too much.”
“People generally suck and have their own agenda to push on you.” (I laughed until I cried.)
“Join community gardens, sports clubs, live music events.” (Because nothing screams bonding like yelling over a band or tripping on a wet soccer pitch.)
“Depends on your interests. We need more stargazing groups.” (Adorable. Protect this man at all costs!)
But one woman’s comment hit me like lightning and perfectly articulated what I’ve been thinking all along:
“Making friends is easy. Maintaining them is the challenge. Real friends share your core values, enjoy the same activities, make you feel safe, and reciprocate energy and respect.”
Yes. Rachel!
Standing ovation. You just articulated every fibre of my lonely soul. Friendship is a two-way street girl. You get out what you put in.
The truth? It’s hard. Really hard. We’re all hustling to just survive. I go home, work, pilates, home, work, gym, coffee shop, pilates.
Moving to Cairns was a career move, and that was my focus. I love my job and my colleagues, they are my second family. Without them, I would be lost.
So, dear reader, do we need to start a wanted ad?
Friendship wanted. Any gender. Interests: laughter, loyalty, hugs, stargazing.
Or do we accept that adult friendship might be an endless, never to be obtained Sex and the City-style search for the ever-elusive crew?
Signing off as your new pen pal – write to me at emma.cam@news.com.au – tell me what friendship is like for you these days.
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Originally published as Friendship: The adult challenge you, nor I, signed up for
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