'You're not being selfish!' Aussie GP begs new mums to put themselves first

There's a mindset doctor, dad and husband, Dr Sam Hay, wants to change about mums. And we're all guilty of it. 

It’s a pretty special first two minutes, from when a woman transitions from being a daughter, a wife, an aunt, a girlfriend: into being a mother. 

Sure, you knew it was coming - for nine months - but that moment when bubba comes out and only wants mum, that skin-to-skin... it changes everything.

You’re still the same person, but you just look at everything differently. And you’d do anything for that little new person who looks up at you and needs you.

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"Sleep when the baby sleeps." Yep, sure thing! Image: iStock

There’s a reason they call it the baby bubble

But like all bubbles, all balloons, and all dreams - they’re eventually going to pop. As general practitioners, at the six-week mark, we do a check-up with mums and bubs. Officially it’s for vaccinations and a growth and development check.

But for most mums, it can be the first time since becoming a mother, that someone with no agenda, truly wants to know the answer, the real answer, to the question: “And how are YOU?”

The tricky part about this question is that the majority of my mums tell me that they’re “fine”.  And in their mind, they probably aren’t lying because when you become a mum, it’s no longer about you.

I can see the mums who don’t feel it is fair for them to be talking to me about not coping, and not liking motherhood especially when their best friend is still going through IVF.  They don’t want to talk about vaginal dryness or pain during sex cause that’s “women talk” not “mum talk”.

They mostly want to pivot back to baby - he/she/we are doing “fine” - don’t have a routine yet, but we are “fine”.

While that love and that bond is beautiful - a mum alone, or a mum in pain, can’t be the mum they desperately want to be.

I’ve seen this as a GP, and I’ve lived it as a husband and father. At the risk to my own safety, I often gave the oxygen mask analogy to my wife - you must secure your mask before assisting others. It’s the same for being a mum - you need to look after you, to make sure you’re the best you can be, so bubba can too.

RELATED: ‘Mums need mental health days too’

Self-care is not selfish

Self-care is not a day spa, a manicure, or a shopping trip. It’s truly understanding that you need to be healthy and happy to be a mum and you need to be the person to put you first, because bubba can’t.

You aren’t alone. A recent study by the World Health Organization found more than a third of women experience lasting health problems after childbirth. When mums put their own physical and mental wellbeing on the back burner, it can cause issues such as postpartum depression; plus physical issues such as incontinence, low back pain, and perineal pain.

The toll of a mum putting herself last can be significant. For her and for the rest of the family she desperately wants to support.

So to all mums, here are the practical tips you need to remember from me.

Allow some time to talk about YOU - You know you’ve got to come in for regular baby checks and vaccinations. So book extra time with your doctor. If you can, bring someone along so they can look after bub whilst you have your own time with the doctor. And when they ask you how you are - talk to them.

My wife still cries each time she sees her GP, who’s been there since Clancy has been six weeks. Because it’s the safest place for her to be completely honest. Just her and the GP - finding non-judgemental solutions to the smallest and the biggest of trials and tribulations of being a mum, and still being a woman.

Say yes to help - Take people up on their offer to help. Not so you can have a week away in a resort (although grab hold of that with two hands and book three weeks if the opportunity arises!) Take the little grabs and the little wins  - fifteen minutes for a shower, an hour for a walk, 15 minutes of the kids playing next door so you can have a conversation with your husband that isn’t interrupted with “Mummy”, food on the floor, or nappy changes.

They know when you're not OK - Don’t underestimate as your little ones get older, the power of them understanding when you aren’t OK you ask for help, or you see a doctor.

“Mummy is going to the doctor to make sure everything is alright”. Because life is not all roses - and sometimes we all need help.

RELATED: ‘I woke up and couldn’t breathe’: Mum’s health warning

Support is there when you need it. Image: iStock

Self-care applies to ALL mums not just new ones

When you are a mum, you are a mum for life. The challenges don’t diminish as you and your kids get older, in fact in some ways they become more all-consuming.

There are years of work behind you, you’re more set in your ways, you’ve learnt to be that strong independent woman you always knew you could be. Your child is growing up and challenging you and your body is changing, so there are extra things to contend with.

Throw some mid-40s perimenopause or menopause into the mix and you can make you feel like you’re pulled even further in every direction. Hormonal changes heighten emotions. Others around you want you to feel sexy, but it’s tough when your libido drops and it hurts.

Those little windows get smaller when you’re managing a household, your work, and caring for the kids. Solutions might get trickier when we’re juggling so much more in life, but one thing you can do is discuss with your doctor how symptoms of menopause might be contributing to your challenges. And ladies, please consider HRT if it’s an option put on the table - it can be life-changing.

At about this point of the article, it would be pretty reasonable for mums to be feeling that inner rage - “Why is this all up to me - Why do I have to do everything!?!” 

Chat to your partner about sharing the load. As a partner, I completely didn’t realise that asking me to unstack the dishwasher more than once caused more stress than just doing it herself. Just one of many ways to piss your partner off!

And to be honest, as a partner, and a GP, I’m pretty disappointed in myself that it took me so long to realise it too. We all think we know being a mum is tough, so why don’t we cut them more slack?  Why do we make demands on them when we’re perfectly capable ourselves? 

Now I’m not saying everyone else doesn’t have their own pressures, and I’ve witnessed the stress and guilt that can hit the ‘absent’ or ‘working’ parent when mum is struggling. But let's be honest, many can step up with little consequences. Partners need to be available, both emotionally and physically. They need to be intuitive and proactive - stack that dishwasher, clean the bathroom, or fold the clothes - you don’t need reminding, and certainly not five times!

And it’s even harder for single mums - so rally around them.

The journey of motherhood is undoubtedly one of selfless love and sacrifice. But mums, self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. 

The study from the World Health Organization reminds us that neglecting our own wellbeing can have lasting consequences. Mums, it's time to release the guilt and embrace the importance of self-care. By prioritising your own health, you're not only investing in yourself but also creating a foundation for a healthier and happier family.

And remember: self-care is not selfish.

Originally published as 'You're not being selfish!' Aussie GP begs new mums to put themselves first