Work out why you are angry a colleague hooked up with your ex – and then invest in you!

Psychologist Sandy Rea has some harsh advice for an angry employee caught up in an awkward situation.

Psychologist Sandy Rea.

Q. I have just discovered my ex-partner of five years is dating one of my work colleagues. I had considered myself friends with this woman and introduced her to my partner at a work function. Now I wonder if they began having an affair before he moved out two months ago. I am so angry with them both and it’s affecting my work because she is always around me. Should I confront her?

Rebecca, email

A. Let’s break this down. Are you angry because they are together, angry over lost love, angry because you feel betrayed, angry that you suspect they may have been having an affair, or angry that your friendship is seemingly compromised?

Work out which ‘anger’ is most affecting you. Then you can strategise your response and get clarity with your emotions.

You and your ex-partner had a long-term relationship. Presumably your colleague knew this, but frankly it is irrelevant.

You have not disclosed if your work colleague (who you also considered a ‘friend’) was someone who you had shared intimate details with about your relationship. If you had, then she may have insider information giving her both power and knowledge which she may have used or inappropriately disclosed in forming a new relationship with your ex. (Note to self: be careful to whom and with what information you disclose at work.)

Unfortunately, this is one of the costs of disclosure and may be partly why you are angry.

Feeling anger because your ex-partner has moved on with a colleague is a recipe for unhappiness.

Which brings me to my next point. When your colleague and your ex were introduced at the work function, had your relationship almost run its course?

Was the relationship break-up a mutual decision, your decision or did your ex decide it was time to finish up?

If you initiated the break-up, then you need to get over yourself. Life moves on and you have had a lovely time with your ex and now you need to look for a more suitable partner.

You do have a choice. You can crank this up and escalate it to give yourself sleepless nights or you can take solace that they are together and she, too, may find the positive things in him that you found.

If your relationship was in its dying days, then clearly meeting at the work function started the spark between them. And as we know, being open to a new relationship or an affair occurs when there are problems in the existing relationship. You would know that, if not her, then your ex would have likely found another woman to start a new relationship with.

Lampooning a co-worker about their new relationship with your ex would be petty and immature.

You would be mistaken to lampoon your colleague when your relationship was dying. That is simply being petty and immature. That they effectively met through you is therefore irrelevant.

Ruminating over the possibility of them hooking up before you ‘officially’ broke up is also irrelevant.

Let’s take the presumptive approach i.e., that they were. What would you do with this information? Seek an apology, undermine her at work, start whispering about her, leave your job?

It may be hurtful, and unethical but be clear that both parties engaged in this and not just her. People do behave badly but do not let this grievance cost you your job.

I doubt she was a ‘friend’ in the truest sense, otherwise you would have had greater clarity and honesty. Invest in you now; work on going out, being with friends and enjoying new possibilities. You do have control over this.

Originally published as Work out why you are angry a colleague hooked up with your ex – and then invest in you!