‘I cut ties with my mum 17 years ago. It's made me a better mum'

A Melbourne mum has “no regrets” about blocking her mum - so much so that her own child has no idea that grandma even exists.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

 

Growing up with her three siblings in Adelaide, *Miriam had a childhood that she often wishes could be wiped from her memory.

“Dad moved the family from the US to Australia when I was five, and Mum was very unhappy about it,” the 43-year-old tells Kidspot.

“She would threaten to leave all the time and get angry a lot. There was a lot of drinking back then too. They were very young parents.”

The second eldest of three, *Miriam was forced into a role far beyond her years.

“By the time I was 10, I was cleaning the house with my brother and sister because it was always very messy,” she says.

“We had to make our own meals - we lived off processed frozen food that we heated up ourselves. We did our own washing and ironing our school uniforms. I had to get my mum out of bed so she could take us to school. She would be able to get herself up to get to the shops and get her wine, but if we asked to take us anywhere, she was always angry.

We pretty much raised ourselves because she wasn’t able to do it. And we felt like we were raising our mum.”

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Image: Supplied

Caught in the middle

Heartbreakingly, this was only the tip of the iceberg in Miriam’s suffering at the hands of the person she should have trusted the most.

“[Mum] would call us names - she would call me ‘fat arse’,” the Melbourne mum says emotionally.

“She would say our Dad doesn’t love us anymore, or that she only had us because our Dad wanted to have us. We would be at her mercy and be in absolute tears. There was a lot of yelling and things thrown around the house, so we were always trying to dodge the emotional bullets. We would sneak in the back door after school, hoping that she wouldn't realise we were home.”

Miriam’s parents separated when she was 14 years old, and she and her siblings had no choice but to remain with their mum.

“It was a horrific divorce,” Miriam remembers.

“There was a lot of chaos in the house and having to go to court. When Dad left, she completely gave up. There was so much volatility, I never wanted to be at home. I got a job as soon as I could so I could stay out of the house, and I would walk home the long way.

"I became a bit of an adopted child at friends’ homes, staying there for a few days at a time and Mum never asked where I was and I wouldn't get a phone call. I even used to say, ‘I don’t have a home’.”

Miriam says her mother’s drinking and behaviour towards her never improved. She left home at 20, relocating to a nearby suburb where she could still remain connected to her family.

“I would call her every week and go over to the house every couple of weeks,” she says.

“I was trying to have a relationship with her, but she would find something to have a go at me for, then she would reach out later on crying and she’d been drinking. I felt sorry for her so it became that continuous cycle.”

Stopping the cycle

One day, however, Miriam empowered herself to stop that cycle once and for all.

“I had been living on my own for a year, and she came to my house and banged on the door,” she says of that day 17 years ago.

“I pretended I wasn’t home and then she left. After that, I thought, ‘I’ve had enough. I can’t have her in my life anymore’.”

That was the day Miriam cut the cord - forever.

“A few weeks earlier, I’d said to her, ‘I want to reach out to Dad and ask how he is and she just went ballistic at me,” she reasons.

“That was probably the reason I stopped talking to her because it made me realise that she doesn’t care about my best interests.”

Miriam says it wasn’t until about three months later that the gravity of what had transpired really set in.

“I had a lot of overwhelm,” she says.

“I had come out of a very long period of being in fight or flight mode. I was so used to being on edge that I really felt it when I suddenly didn’t have it anymore. It was a big adjustment not having that chaos around me.”

Miriam remained completely estranged from her mother, even after giving birth to her own son, Blake, now aged 8.

“After I became a parent, I felt a lot of anger towards my mum because I cared for my child so much and it really confused me that someone could treat their child like that,” she says.

“I was also scared and empowered at the same time, because I had a completely clean slate and I had to make the decision all on my own about what kind of mum I wanted to be. My whole thing in being a parent is that I don’t want to do what my mum did. I know what not to do.”

Miriam is so adamant about blocking her mum (whom she knows is still living in Adelaide) from her life that Blake has no idea that she even exists.

“He’s never asked and I will have that conversation one day, but things will remain the same for a while,” she says.

Miriam doesn’t feel that her son is missing out on anything. Blake has two grandparents on his father’s side, and Miriam’s father and stepmother are also a regular presence.

“He has lots of love and support around him, his grandparents all adore him.”

Image: Supplied

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No regrets

And Miriam has no doubt that removing her mother completely from her world has made her a better parent as a result.

“Because she isn’t in our lives, I can be more present with Blake,” the now-single mum says honestly.

“We don’t have a chaotic and toxic person around creating issues. His home is calm, safe and secure. Not having [her mother] in my life has allowed me to create that for him. If I allowed her into our lives, it would be to his detriment. There’s no way I would ever trust her with my child and I never want him exposed to that kind of behaviour.

“I’m the caring and nurturing mum that she wasn’t to me. I tell my son every day that I love him. I never want him to ever question how I feel.”

Now, 17 years after cutting ties, Miriam has “no regrets” about making the most difficult decision of her life.

“I’m still sad about it, but I had to make the decision for myself,” she says.

“Every few years she found me online and reached out but the last time was three years ago, and I never replied to any of the emails. If I stayed in contact with her, I would be enabling her behaviour, and it’s not okay.

"Keeping that relationship was hurting me and causing me harm. Yes, she is my mum, but out of anyone, she should treat me the best, so if she’s treating me like this, then she can’t have access to me anymore. There are no regrets. Definitely not.”

Originally published as ‘I cut ties with my mum 17 years ago. It's made me a better mum'